Snarky Evolution

What A Boob

2012-01-07T11:33:00.000-08:00

Today I am just under three weeks post operative from a surgery. I am recovering without any complications, only having dealt with the effects of five hours of anesthesia coursing through my veins. Anesthesia is no joke people. One week later, I couldn't count change at the counter at American Eagle. Do you understand the humiliation of having a hipster 19 year old look at you as if you are in need of special medication?

So, I posted my vague facebook updates about my status and kept it clean for the most part. I wrote a post surgical column that could have been apocalyptic as the anesthesia also numbed my inhibited nature to want to say totally edgy things in a small town paper that would have surely riled the good citizenry that is not accustomed to my snarkyness. I actually used a poop reference last week. Poop and burp, yeah, I used poop and burp in my column last week.

Well, the Snarky blog is where I spill the beans, the poop and the real thoughts that I have about anything and everything. It is my evolution between something that bothers, annoys or plagues me and my dissecting it and making it something useful for my life and hopefully yours as well.

"what surgery did you have?" "did you have your back surgery?" Typical private messages and posts, texts and what have you. NO I DID NOT

Here is the deal. I had a whopping pound removed from my boobs. I had breast reconstructive surgery. A boob job. A mammo-something-or-other.

You see a year ago I went from having a back problem to having a BACK PROBLEM. See how the capitalization emphasizes the seriousness? I was sitting in church and I felt a spurt and that was it, I was nearly incapacitated. I started a new job on January and I worked in excruciating pain for 9 months trying to solve the mystery of the back pain.

Finally, I saw a back and spine doctor who ordered an epidural shot to assist in relieving swelling and pain. All good in theory, but yay for me, I was one of the few who received no relief. The spine doctor sent me to a surgeon who, how shall I say this....... Said in his Asian accent with no bedside manner "You need breast reduction." "it make no sense for me to fix back if you have big chest."

hmmmmmmm Music to my ears. Do I hear you correctly??? You support the fact that my boobs have no support??? You see beyond the vanity to the physical benefit???? Sign me up!!!!

So, off I went to the plastic surgeon who said "my, you really will benefit from this. I don't know how you have exercised, hugged other people or seen your waist line in years" OK, he didn't say that, but I know he was thinking it as I stood there in all my mamo-glory pre op. He must have sensed my urgent need as he had an opening in a week. Highly unusual to see a doctor and have a surgery that fast in the real world, but we were in the world of Christmas and hey, who can't squeeze in a little major surgery alongside moving into a new home, decking the halls, making fudge, shopping for Christmas and all that jazz? I sure as hell can.

So, on December 19th my new boobs were made. On December 20th my skin had a reaction to the tape the ensconced my body, nearly blistering in the chemical reaction. Lots of fun, but the red color made things Christmasy, you know.

The change has been phenomenal. People I can cross my arms in disgust now without having to heave breast first. I can not hold an entire packet of pens under my boobs. I am pretty sure a small number two pencil would stick, but not a pen. I can seen an entire row of buttons when I look down my body and the button where my boobs are is not spread so thin it looks like it will burst at any moment and put someone's eye out. I now have a gap between my boobs and my belt. Yes, I HAVE A TORSO!

I have heard the stories about women who get augmentations and go around showing everyone their boobs. I totally get it. If you want a viewing, text me, I will hook you up. You will not be sorry. It isn't vanity that makes us new mom proud, its is the sense of amazement that something that was so lacking is now so not.

The truth is that getting this surgery is a step in the right direction towards healing my back. I stand taller and my shoulders are not drooping like the girls were. I feel lighter and I am by a pound or so. As the Asian doctor said. "It make no sense for me to fix back when you just going have more trouble"

So now I am healing and I am patiently waiting "for the tape to fall of by itself." Then I will go back to the Asian surgeon and see where we go from here.

I am not sure that there is a snarky evolution here other than I wish I had done this long ago. I wish I had not thought of this as a vanity thing and maybe my back would have never had to go through all of this pain. My boobs were size F people. F for Faydra, F for Freedom.

I went to Victoria Secret last week and bought bra's. I would never have thought I'd see the day I could wear a bra from there. They don't do size F people. I have this great memory foam number that is rocking my world. 250.00 on bras. Wow, but these things are priceless to me, so "spare no expense" is my motto.

If you need to take care of an issue with y our body that is hurting you, causes you physical or emotional pain, do it. remove the mole, increase or decrease the boobs or the belly. Your quality of life will improve leaving you to improve the lives of others with your enthusiasm.

Finding the Honor

2011-07-24T11:34:00.000-07:00

In may I was talking with God. I was asking Him when my husband would be home. I was asking Him about issues that were important and on my mind. At some point in the conversation, he gave me a date. He also gave me the inclination to write the date down, put it in an envelope and mail it to myself. Ever obedient, I did. Two days later I got a pretty purple note card in the mail with my handwriting mailed to and sent from me to prove God's promises and to show the proof to my husband.

I thought the date was telling me when he was coming home. I thought the date would be a cause for celebration and we would rip open the envelope together and praise God's mightiness.

My husband came home on 6/16/2011. Over two years later and safe and sound and suffering PTSD from what he had been through. I never mentioned the envelope. I couldn't. The date was wrong. At one point he mentioned the envelope sitting there in its purple glory and I dismissed the inquiry. I thanked God for the early gift, figuring He brought Jim home sooner for a reason that is beyond my understanding and since the date was earlier, I certainly wasn't complaining.

A few days later, I tossed the envelope, figuring that I loved God even if His idea in my head failed. Just another mystery of faith I crossed wires on.

A few days later, Jim and I were headed home from the bay area and we got a call. My mom had just died. Anyone who knows my story knows that my mom and I were not connected the last many years. She had become so entrenched in alcoholism and poor choices. She was living with alcohol related dementia and she was unable or unwilling to manage a relationship with me.

The date on the card was the date that she died.

What was God telling me that day I wrote the date down? Was he giving me a premonition about the fact I had a finite amount of time to have said something, anything to my mother?

the last time I saw my mother was the day I convinced her she needed a will and a medical directive "in case" something happened. That was 2006. The day after her death, my brother and I and her attorney sat in his office and read that will. That will that left her estate to two other people who were not in that office.

My brother and I have followed her wishes to a T. She has bee cremated in the manner she desired and I am managing her estate to benefit two women I barely know and one of whom has no real connection to my mother. I don't have to do this. My mom didn't ask me to. She didn't intend for me to benefit from her death. She didn't like me much in the end of her life and I didn't much like the way she treated me in the beginning of mine.

What I am keenly aware of is this. God asks us to honor our mother's and father's. As a new women in Christ, I often asked myself what that meant for me. Was I supposed to run to my mother with her self induced dementia, unwillingness to be kind and who subjected me to trauma most of my life and hug her and tell her I love her when I wasn't sure I did? Was I supposed to give her the whisky if it was out of her reach and act as though it wasn't a giant white elephant in the room?

I knew that no matter what He asked of me I would do it. Here's what He has said. I am honoring my mother by taking the best care of her and her things. I'm selling her estate for the most I can simply to benefit someone else. I am lovingly preparing her house for sale rather than hiring someone to do it on my behalf. I am relieving my brother of the trouble of helping. I am honoring my mother as best I can.

When my mom died, I thought I might find a sense of something. I don't know what. What I found was a sadness and a worry that maybe she didn't know God like I do and maybe she isn't somewhere where I can see her again. I get why God allows anyone the opportunity to come to Him no matter what they have done. My mom lived a hard life by her choices, but maybe she didn't think she had any. Maybe she thought she was making good choices. I wonder if she knew of the choice to know God.

Though I know in my heart, I was not treated well as a child. Though I know that my mom could have made my life better and didn't. I am not glad to be rid of her. I am sad that her life seemed wasted. I am sad that she became broken and I became strong. It is as if we switched roles.

The snarky evolution is this: We can honor God's call on us to obey even when we don't get how or why we should. I have the ability to honor my mother in her death in a way she and I never could have done in life.

Peace and Light and honor to you all~

I Think I May Be Getting It Right

2011-04-18T18:15:00.000-07:00

There is a saying the God will bring you around the mountain as many times as He needs to until you get what He is trying to teach you. Unlike certain schools or courses, you can re-take His tests as many times as you need to and hopefully you pass before you meet Jesus face-to-face.

Today turned out to be different than I hoped and better than I expected in one particular way.

Today was a significant day for my family who have been facing persecution for over two years. Every time a significant turn of events comes to pass I have, in typical anxiety, faced the news with a smile on my face and a complete and epic melt down of the spirit that rivals Japan's nuclear plant. I face the adversity with a strong front and inside I question God- how long, how much more, how far down will He allow us to sink? I start to forecast the doom of my family and though you wouldn't know it from the outside, I feel alone, separated and condemned for something that actually has nothing to do with me. I am just caught up in the collateral damage. Such is the life of a risk taker.

So, the news came, delivered by an uninterested party who has no investment in my mental health or cares that bad news activates a never ceasing twitch in my left eye. Once the phone call was done, I sat and used Lamaze breathing techniques until the veins in my head stopped popping out. I put my car in gear and drove home. Actually, I stopped at the store, bought some Vegenaise, vine tomatoes and a cake mix and frosting and then I drove home.

I did what all good mom's do, I baked a cake, readied dinner, and otherwise tried forget that my life has huge holes of suckness in them, yes that is a word because I said so.

BUT THEN.........

God spoke to me as He sometimes does when I am paying attention enough to listen. He said to me that this isn't about the outcome that I heard today. It is about whether or not I can pass the test of moving past what I heard to a place of not letting it bother me, consume my every thought and make me question God's loyalty to me. It is about my loyalty to Him.

I know that there is nothing I can do about what happened today. I am a part of it, I did not cause it and I am not in trouble. What I can control is how I react to it. How I let it affect me. I choose to believe that God has told us that Love bears all thing, hopes all things, and believes all things. Most of all Love ENDURES all things. I think I may be going around this mountain for the last time.

Peace and Light and fewer trips around the mountain for you all~

How to Make a Flower Ninja

2011-02-20T10:36:00.000-08:00

I have a confession that will not make a very sweet person in my life very happy. I have a brown thumb for indoor plants and flowers. For whatever reason, I can't keep indoor stuff alive. I suppose that the benefit is that I will never be able to grow an illegal indoor marijuana crop therefore keeping out of a potential criminal issue.

I've tried. I really have, but for some reason, I have a brown thumb. I can grow things outside, roses, bushes, I even know how to prune, but if it is inside, no dice.

This really isn't a problem most of the time. I certainly know my limitations, so I never purchase anything, no matter how cute, if it requires me to care for it indoors. Also, my daughter is very allergic to most of flowers, so I rarely have bouquets in the house. I actually put them on the table outside on the patio and admire them through the window. Again, I never know how much water to put in the flowers, and what is with the Kool-Aid packet that you are supposed to mix in there? Also, same thing with the Christmas tree. Hate managing the Christmas tree. the best thing I ever did was buy a fake one and burn pine candles to make it seem like it was real.

sooo, my birthday was this week and someone whom I love left a beautiful lilly outside my front door. OOOOO the sheer panic. whenever I receive someone's floral love I feel very anxious because I appreciate the gesture, but the giver and the plant do not realize that it is only a matter of time before the poor plant will be a gonner. I struggle with the guilt knowing that someone used their hard-earned money to buy me something that they believe will incite beauty into my life. What they don't know is that it used to illicit dread.

I said Used to

Some time ago, I came up with a plan to save the plants!!!! Save the flowers and save the occasional gift balloon. I give them away.

Yep, yesterday, before the poor lilly had a chance to wilt, I watered it and got it ready for a journey. You see, what I do is write a card that has thoughts of hope and love and attach it to the gift and I take it to one of the local nursing homes and ask the staff to give it to someone who does not get visitors or who could use some love. The staff know exactly who could use some love, a lift or a hope that someone cares. I have been doing it for years. I have taken balloons from birthday parties to children in the hospital and I have taken un-used goodies from parties to shelters.

So, for my sweet friend who gave me the lilly. I made a ninja move and took the beautiful flower to someone who will love it and hopefully has a greener thumb than I do.

Peace and Light and spreadin' the flower love to you all~

The Difference Between Jealousy and Admiration

2011-02-12T16:36:00.000-08:00

I had an AHA moment today. I was sitting at the stop light and a woman whom I had always liked pulled up to the light to make a right hand turn. In one moment, I realized something profound-I ADMIRED her.

I realized I have admired her for a long time. I admire her statuesque composure, her wardrobe choices, her presence and her countenance. When I think of her I am inspired.

It that same moment, I realized something fundamental. Jealousy or envy is very different than admiration. I have felt envy before. Envy feels bitter, admiration feels better. Envy feels jealous and resentful, admiration feels inspired and challenging in that take-it-up-a-notch good way.

In that same instance, it was clear to me why I felt admiration rather than envy or jealousy and it boiled down to her car. You see, she was driving an older model car. It wasn't flashy and it was most likely paid for. When I saw her I felt respect for her. I realized that though we really don't know each other that well, I know her well enough to know this- She does not live outside of her means. She pays cash for her vacations. She saves before she spends and her priorities are straight.

I have been guilty in the past of being envious and jealous. I see people with their Miss Me jeans and the associated body types that fit into them. I see the shiny new 60K cars and the houses with ceilings vaulted to the heavens and utility bills to match. I see the ski boats, vacations and their children who never wear the same outfit twice. How easy it is to feel inadequate in their presence when you use that yardstick as your measurement tool for success.

What happened to me was that I was jealous of the stuff because I didn't necessarily respect the people who had it. I mean, I knew them and their personalities and damnit I thought they didn't deserve to have it all. Who the hell am I to determine what someone else is deserving of? I am a bitter person when I think that way. Dissing on people who have crap that I don't need that they use to impress people that don't care about them is none of my business.

But, there today in an older model car was someone who wears great clothes and goes about life in an ordinarily extraordinary way. She impresses me. She gives me a desire to step up my game. She could have the best of the best and more accolades and stuff than any one else in town and I would not feel the negative twinges. I would look at her and think "you go girl, good for you."

In realizing the difference between jealousy and admiration, I realize that I need to keep my thoughts and opinions in check and I need to keep my mind focused on the people who inspire me and I need to let the others do what it is they do, wearing what it is they wear and driving what it is they drive and paying allllll the bills that go with it.

Peace and Light and admiration to you all~

Isolated in the past

2011-01-22T18:08:00.000-08:00

So, I started a new position. I am overqualified, but the job market is such that it is the best thing going at this time. I am working in social work again. The all too familiar place for me.

Just last year, I came out of the molestation closet and started speaking publicly about my dirty little secret. Seems it has helped a lot of people and of course that makes it very worthwhile. Who knew that my snarky take on taboo subjects could be so healing. Go figure.

Sooo, as I am in endless trainings, I am remembering why I shoved so many of my thoughts, feelings and actions into that closet. Stereotyping. Yep. I had been out of the line staff limelight so long that I forgot one of the main reasons that I hid the part of me that social workers dealt with.

You see, in social work, a fundamental part of the focus is on child abuse, abusers and children. The workers are often times so immersed in the here and now of the abuse that all they can see, believe or predict is that the whole lot of the customers they serve are destined for failure, relapse and therefore write the whole experience off to certain doom.

One of the reasons I spent most of my career focused on what people can be, do and have is because I am living proof that you can live a childhood hell and turn out nothing like what you experienced. To be clear, there is a certain amount of collateral damage; however, I know like I know like I know that your destiny is not predetermined by your childhood. Try telling that to most social workers or other health and welfare professionals.

As I have sat in one grueling training after another, I am awash in the anger that I have been stereotyped and the persons sitting alongside me don't even know it. When the social workers are venting and telling the stories about the kids "who don't stand a chance" they don't know that I was that same kid. I bet you that many people thought they had me pegged and written off at various times in my life and I thank God that I never had a worker in my life pitying me and making assumptions about my scarred psyche and projecting my doom unto me.

I always thought that if I talked to people about my reality at home, that no one could relate to me. I always thought that my lifestyle was so weird that regular people would think I was a freak. Turns out that I still feel isolated at times by people who assume that if I was molested, neglected and emotionally abused I must, in fact, be unbalanced- potentially a child molester and certainly an alcoholic, or that I engage in domestic violence.

Turns out that I am often times asked to speak, talk and share information about success. Many of the people I talk to have no idea that the person before them was a scared little girl who was locked in basements, starved, and regularly ridiculed at school and knew more about good touch/bad touch than they cared to know. I just find it somewhat annoying when I hear other workers talk about kids destined to failure when they don't even know one of those "kids" is sitting right there. It's like someone cracking off an ethnic joke and later learning your name is Bearquiver or Chang or Lipskowski. I mean, I don't LOOK like I was abused, you know. I have all my teeth, I have not been in the woman's shelter as a client and my kids are not known to CPS and I don't get quantity discounts at liquor barn.

I guess I would be called an exception to the rule. That is the way that statisticians sweep the anomaly of my overcoming my childhood under the rug.

What I believe and why I had always been in the helping profession is to be a hope to others. I want to be the one to say "Hey, look at me, you can overcome whatever you are subjected to as a child." I have every identifying factor in my history that says I should be one jacked up woman who attracts bums, has multiple baby daddy's, is on the welfare doles and is a substance abuser. If nurture is over nature, and you do what you were taught, I would be a whiskey drinkin', child molestin', domestic violencin' machine.

I am in not your average, ever day child of trauma. I do have my issues, especially with authority, but I am very well adjusted and I believe something that makes me great at social work. I believe that it is possible to pull your head out of your butt and that nothing determines your future but your choices. People can do and say whatever they want to you, but how you react is totally in your control.

I want to reach out to all people who feel that they have not reached their full potential. I want to show them with words and deeds that all things are possible. You are not alone. If you have overcome your demons, you need to stand out for the others to see your strength and follow your lead. If you are beat down and think that your past determines your future, I want to shake you up and challenge you that you can be, do and have anything you want. Sure, you may have to unlearn crappy behaviors. You may have to heal deep scars. You may have to leave people and attitudes in the past, but you do not have to be that which you came from.

My favorite passage in the Bible is John 17:16 They are not of this world even as I am not of this world. "they" is us. We are not of the world of abuse. We are from it. We went there to learn the skills we needed to teach others to be like us. Survivors.

It's I Have a Dream Day

2011-01-17T10:37:00.000-08:00

Today is Marting Luther King, Jr day. I call it "I have a dream day." I posted a question on Facebook this morning asking people what their dream was. I got varied responses. I tried to think of what my dream was. I mean, with all I have managed in my recent past, one would think I would have quite the dream list. The truth was, I couldn't think of something to write. What? Me? Couldn't think of something to wish for, hope for or want. Nothing global, philanthropic or poignant to want for myself of the world. Nope.

Then I started to realize why. I realized that the reason why was peace and grace. There is a time in your personal struggle where all you want is release from the pain and the situation. You want to be set free from the reality you are in for the hope that you have. At least, I do and did. Almost two years ago, my life was shattered by issues that divided and displaced my family. It has been a long road back to togetherness.

On the road to togetherness there were a lot of choices that I had control over. I had the choice to work with God's program or try to work mine. I consciously chose God's program. I chose it, I asked for it and I openly received it unconditionally. That doesn't mean that I didn't cry, ask a lot of questions or wonder if I were misinterpreting Him along the way. The one thing that never failed, no matter what, is that I NEVER stopped believing or trying. EVER. I admit, I was shaken a few times and I thought to myself "will this ever end?" but I committed to the long haul. I just told myself double for my trouble and beauty for my ashes.

So, here I sit on "I have a dream day" and I realize that though not everything is over, I have something better than it being over. I have grace and I have peace. I realized today that when I did not have a dream to share it was because I am in the knowing that all is well and as it should be. One day, I will share the good news of what God has done for this family. How enemies tore at it like savages and blamed and cursed it and how God held it together, put it back together and how the ones who wanted to, found Him in the process. Not all, but most and that is better than not all, but some. Oh the stories I will tell that will shock and amaze. Stuff that is on 20/20 or that conspiracy movies are made of. Seriously.

There has been a HUGE change in the lives of this family and I can see that God is starting to pour out his blessings just like He promised. I am employed, I am financially stabilizing, and my family has been reunited and is living mostly under one roof. Great things are happening in the natural, but the one thing that has happened that can't be seen is the grace that is upon me and the peace in my heart. The loss of anger, the need to be vindicated in a big and public way, the need to control and (dare I say) manipulate outcomes for my best interest. The ability to walk a path that seems unwanted and counterintuitive to what I want and let the gift of it unfold and wait for the reason instead of insisting I know better than Him.

We have all heard the term, Let Go, Let God, I understand it now. It saddens me that so many people think that they believe in God and what He is. They make Him so small and act as though He is merely an afterthought unless someone they love is dying or they are making a deal in their hour of need. I guess I do have a dream that everyone will find the God that I know. The one who wants a personal relationship with you. He wants to be your friend, your counselor, your teacher and your mentor. He wants to deal with the crap in your life. The crap you put in there and the crap you didn't. He can clean it all up. What is more, He can put thoughts, feelings and actions into your life you never knew you could have. He can make you stop doing things you never though you could overcome and He can make you start doing things you never thought you could begin. His plan is the same for all of us. The best news of all, to me so far, is that when you really find Him, all the things that happen to you become benign. It all happens and you have a new way to deal with it. You can face anything and you can become anything.

I started my work in public speaking talking about how you can be, do and have anything in life you want. It is still true. What I know now, is that the path to be, do and have is better with God. Not necessarily easier or faster, but better and any one who has been through a storm will tell you the same thing.

Peace and Light and dreams to you all~

A Snarky Year In Review

2010-12-31T17:47:00.000-08:00

If you are a writer you understand the sense of utter need that pulls you to your keyboard, notepad, or whatever your writing pleasure. Writing is an art form and writers are artists who use their lives as a muse for sharing information. Just as there are many forms of art, there are many forms of writing.

I have never been a great story teller. I don't have a knack for character development and I hate setting up a scene. I write a blend of information and personal experiences with one singular purpose. So others like me, will not feel alone.

That is my truth as I discovered it in 2010. Prior to this time, I could not have told you why I write. I knew parts of why, but not the sum of the parts. For me, writing my column is a lot like the maladaptive behavior of cutting. I write sometimes to literally let off some of the angst or pressure I feel inside. I am oftentimes hit with a need so powerful to write about an issue that I leap up from whatever I am doing to get it out. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with a concept that I am compelled to sit down and do something about it. There is nothing about my writing that is planned per se, it is literally a releasing of information or a letting off of a pain.

I have learned more about myself in this year than any year I can remember. I have faced more demons, stared down more negative issues and grown more than I ever thought possible. Coming into 2010, I had lost my full-time position as an Executive Director, I had fallen in love for the first time is such a radical way and that person was taken away from me and it was any one's guess if we would ever be able to make a life together. I had lost my home to foreclosure and I had lost my credit to bankruptcy. Ever the optimist, I believed that things could not get any worse and that 2010 was going to be my year.

I wish I could say that in 2010, I was gainfully employed at a level that surpassed my previous duties or income. My personal life blossomed and culminated in a lavish wedding with all the pomp and circumstance of the British Royals and that I am settling in this New Years eve with my honey, champagne and more options than I could imagine. It's actually better than that~

In 2010 I discovered and spent an inordinate amount of time with Jesus. I still remember last June when I was thinking to myself why God, can't I find a job? and him saying as clear as a bell Because I want you all to myself right now. Don't think at that time I didn't tell myself I created that answer or that God does not talk directly to us. I did think that, but I know like I know like I know NOW that is was Him.

I have spent 2010 meeting and getting to know God and who He is and who He says I am. I have done more research and more asking and more listening than you could ever believe. All of the effort has been worth it because it is because of God and because of my conscious choice to believe Him over man that I have not taken a drastic measure to accept how things appear vs. how I hear from Him that they will be.

In 2010 I discovered who my enemies were and who my friends are. I have magnificent friends. Friends who held my hand, removed all doubt about whether or not people are inherently good over evil. The friendships I developed this year are nothing short of heaven sent and the ones that ended were divine intervention as well, for me and for them. We are in different places seeking different things and that is sooo ok with me. It is ok to let go of someone for no better reason than it just isn't a good fit. Neither one of you is wrong.

I came out this year. I came out the the world about being molested for 10 years of my childhood. I still remember being in theta therapy when my therapist told me that one day "that" would be what I use to helps others. I strongly disagreed. So unable to see past my shame and guilt, but more importantly unwilling to accept that what happened to me was not something I deserved. I felt that if I gave that topic any significance in my life I was somehow honoring my abuser. Giving him the credit I wanted in my life. As if he somehow was stealing even more from me than my childhood. Every time he abused me, it was about him not me. Every time I succumbed to his will it was about his power not mine. I felt without knowing it that if I "told" even alllll these years later, that the focus would be about my weakness and not about my power. It felt shameful to want to be called powerful. I built a life wanting to be seen as powerful and mostly the word used to describe me was "intimidating." so far from what I wanted. Make your mess your message. You are not what you did or what happened to you, you are what you become after.

I faced my darkest fear this year. I was cut to the bone by someone I loved. I was lied to and manipulated and outed for all the things I thought were best hidden. My life was splayed out for me on the internet. in 2010, my darkest fear was admitting I loved someone who was being accused of misconduct. My other fear was that people would judge me for it. I am no longer fearful. I have found in the aftermath that people are very reasonable and with just a little bit of information are incredibly compassionate. I have also found out that if you are doing what God asks of you, supernatural things happen. Doors open, favor reigns and love and hope fill the spaces that were dark. Light conquers the darkness. Walk into your fears, you have given them too much power.

I learned to let go this year. I lost so many material things, so many luxuries, so many things I thought I had to have. I had to pack up an entire home and give away, sell and store many things. I had to believe on the Lord for money to pay the basic necessities as I lived on $1600.00 a month. I let go of a family member this year. Unable to be there for her and not knowing if I would have to move into an apt. I found a home for my beloved Kattey with a family that lives the words Compassionate, Loving and nurturing. They made making the hard decision easier and I feel happy for all of us. Sometimes adoption is the best thing for everyone. It does not mean you failed.

I will never forget the day the foreclosure of the house was on the front page of the newspaper. I was in church and my phone started blowing up with people worried about me and disgusted with the media. I can't forget walking through the empty house and collapsing on the bedroom floor bawling because I simply ached so badly for the life I thought was lost. So sad to see the home becoming a house instead of the other way around. I can still see the contemptuous way the Realtor looked at me as I handed her the keys, as though I were repugnant to her, zero compassion in her thoughts, words or actions. Houses are only dwellings, you can be happy no matter where you live.

I gave up my column this year. I was so embarrassed and hurt by one person and a few inconsequential idiots that I skulked away from something I loved. Almost immediately God started dealing with me about how I reacted to them and how He wanted me to learn to deal with negative press, negative people and to finally realize that there is no such thing as an all-positive life. Man He uses everything to teach us. Before I knew it everywhere I went, people were asking about the column. It became so obvious to me that I made a mistake and here I am again back on page 2 every Wednesday. If you have a passion, don't let anyone steal it from you.

I lost weight this year. I had gained about 15-20 pounds in 2009 that I needed to lose. What I learned was that the weight was a by-product of other issues. You see I thought I already knew that having lost 100 pounds before. What I know now is that food is not love. It really is that simple. Amazingly, that weight is gone. If you have weight to lose, love yourself and it will be gone.

I have been the poorest I have ever been and I have been more places than I have been in a year. I have been blessed with the most magnificent friend who has helped me remember who I am and that my situation is transitional. She has provided support and opportunities for me for no reason other than to show love and compassion. She knows I can't repay her and she doesn't care. her love for me in every way was God Himself showing me my value. I love her and she knows who she is. If you can love someone without them repaying you, do it.

I found forgiveness this year. I reached out to someone I had hurt and gained a friendship that means a lot to me. No we do not talk everyday, but knowing that she knows that I am so sorry for my part in anything negative in her life heals us both. If you have hurt someone, say you are sorry.

I learned to tithe this year. According to my studies there is only one instance where God challenges us to give and test him to see if His promises are true. I have tested and I believe. I have been tithing 10% for an entire year and it has not one time failed me. No matter what the income source, I give away 10% (no, not to the government) every time, it comes back two fold or more. I am not joking. It is amazing to watch Gods promises unfold. I get excited for the giving. I wish I could write an entire book about the benefits to you if you give to others. Meaningful giving. Giving that hurts at the time. Giving that in the natural means you may not be able to pay your bills, but in the supernatural sparks an outpouring of favor you never thought possible. Tithe 10% of your gross income

As I sit here on New Years eve, I am highly aware of two gifts from God. both are about love. Truthfully, every single one of the things I mentioned are about love, but I am living in the moment in two specific areas of love.

For most of the year as Jim and I have weathered triumphs and setbacks, I kept telling myself how fortunate I am to have my health. I would always think to myself how I seem to have been able to withstand anything that has come, but Thank You Jesus that I am healthy. Well, just to make certain that God spent every last drop of our time together, He sent pain my way. Excruciating pain with no remedy for an entire week. No pain killer, no medical treatment and sheer will could lessen. For an entire week, starting in church last Thursday, through Christmas and up until today, I have been in the worst pain of my entire life (less labor, but that had an end sooner than this business) Today, I was reminded about love. My massage therapist poured her heart into healing me. She took her time and her expertise and her will to make me able to begin to rebound. Have you ever been in a situation where you literally thought you might die and someone actually saved your life. I feel this way towards her. I literally feel as though she saved my life. Survived cancer and wanted to hug your doctor? Gotten a liver transplant and wanted to hug your donor? Yes, I feel that way towards her. God showed me today that I have lost nearly everything this year, including health and it was again LOVE that restored me.

For the past week, my step-son has been here. I have not had him in a year and I was nervous about what the time would be like. This time has been amazing. I have been so living in the moment and appreciating how great it has been. He has been surrounded by people who have nothing loving to say about his dad and I can feel him soaking in our delight in him and his dad all week. Here, his father is a hero and the bravest man I have ever known. Here, his father is more than an accusation and more than a media spin. Seeing the kids together and laughing and talking about our lives in the present is as if God is reaching out to us and saying, hold on the best is coming for you all.

Tonight I watched JK Rowlings interview with Oprah. She talked about being a writer and how the Harry Potter series is a manifestation of her life's experiences. She said that her rock bottom became a foundation for her success. It was an aha moment for me.

I have come full circle. I start a new job on Monday. As God sent my healing angel to me to day and helped me recover from illness as I watch my kids getting ready to ring in the new year, I realize that though He isn't finished with me yet, He has used 2010 to teach me many valuable lessons and my foundation is built on rock not sand.

Peace and Light and Happy New Year to you all~

Thou Shall Not Judge

2010-12-26T12:51:00.001-08:00

Sooooooo, My herniated disks are killing me and I have been relatively out of commission since last Thursday. The pain is intense and no pharma-cocktail seems to be dulling the pain. So, as I sit here hyped up on Darvoset, I started thinking about New Years.

Ahhh New Years resolution time. It is that time of year when we try to analyze ourselves and see where we might want to make change. As a yearling Christian, I didn't need to look within to see where to make change, the Holy Spirit helped me out. Judgement has been on my mind for a long time.......

One of the biggest issues I have dealt with in life is the fear of being judged. I know it stems from deep seated feelings about my worth. The push-pull within between God telling me that I am someone of worth, no matter what has happened to me and the enemy reminding me that if I were of true value, I would have been spared much in life. Which is easier to believe? Well, it all goes back to the most basic of questions: Are people inherently good or bad? Is our God a loving God or a judgmental one? Is our salvation truly a gift or earned by works and outcomes? Are we the sum of our experiences or are we just sin, mistakes and inadequacy?

I used to be a very judgmental person. I would like to have believed I wasn't, but I definitely was. Kind of like, I'll find all your flaws before you can find mine that way when you find mine, I will feel like you are a hypocrite for finding mine without acknowledging yours. What circular thinking.

I have always been a very compassionate person. I have always been drawn to the healing arts. I have always wanted to be someone who helped others overcome. In my personal life, that wasn't always the case. I was often time jealous of other people, worried about their thoughts about me and feeling misunderstood a lot of the time.

What has come on my heart recently is that no matter who we are, we have a life time of stuff that we have endured that render us into the flawed people that we are. I believe that people are naturally good. I also believe that no matter who you are or what you have done, you are a good person. Sorta like don't hate the player, hate the game.

So, my plan for 2011 is to try to take my compassion for the masses and apply it to compassion for the people who are closer than most. I want to apply compassion for the people who directly affect me in negative ways. I want to stop and think about what they may be thinking and why they may be acting like an A-hole and not judge them. I want to realize that they have a lifetime of crap that has hit them that mixed with interacting with me, makes them akin to the Tasmanian Devil on Four Loco.

The thing that has come into my thinking is that if I can find compassion for people who mess with me and forgive them their fallibilities, it may mean I will lighten up on myself. Maybe I can stop being hard on myself when the enemy gets into my head.

Imagine if we all stopped judging one another and showed compassion how we would start to have more compassion for ourselves. We wouldn't berate ourselves for our weight or our poor choices. If we operate in love, then we can love ourselves and that my friends, is the key to truly being happy. When you love yourself with a magnitude of acceptance, nothing anyone else says affects you.

Having compassion and not judging does not mean splaying myself vulnerable to their crap. Just because I have decided to be more accepting, does not mean that I am allowing negativity to have free reign. It just means that instead of going for their jugular in response, I will try to not react to the hate. I will try not to seethe and plot ways to vindicate myself. I will leave any retribution up to the One who has the knowledge of their hearts and let Him deal with the situation. You know, let go, let God and all of that.

So, there are a handful of people in Faydra Land, who either bug the crap out of me, like to see me suffer or otherwise would be considered haters, thine enemies, or some other descriptive term. I will be spending 2011 thinking about you, but not like I used to. No, I will no longer be thinking about shaking you, publicly humiliating you, plotting your demise, wishing you were out of my life or visualizing you in unbecoming ways. I will be praying for your happiness, your success and your well-being. I will be reflecting on what I do know that was sad and scary in your life and attributing your meanness to those issues. I will be relating to your actions because I am equally flawed and in need of forgiveness. I will look forward to the healing that leaving judgement to God creates.

Peace and Light~

Lasagna Stare or Applause? Which Do You Prefer?

2010-12-03T06:17:00.000-08:00

So, this morning is just like every other Friday morning in my neighborhood whereby I am woke up by the familiar sound of the garbage truck. First we get the recycling truck that begins it's rounds at 5:00 AM-ish. Seriously, shouldn't there be a law about this? A garbage man's code? An ordinance against the recycling of items before 7:00 AM. I'm just sayin' that the biggest reason more people don't go green or render their yard waste is because they are trying to rebel against pre-dawn collection of said items. If you told this neighborhood that you would change the pick up time for recycling to one more civilized, you may find that we reciprocate with the highest yield of recyclables in the county. I think that a LOT of recyclable waste gets tossed in the "other" can just to spite your ridiculous timing...

So, After I jumped up out of my cozy tempur-pedic, yes this bed is all that the commercials tell you it is, I put my garbage out because, in my rush to sit before the Christmas tree and have a glass of wine and watch The Apprentice last night, I forgot. So, there I was back in bed waiting for the sound of my daughters alarm to go off and I could not relax.

My mind kept taking me back to something I have been pondering since Wed....

I spoke at a public event to promote the Books Change Lives project and I noticed something very interesting when I was speaking. I usually give a little bit of back ground when I am speaking to an audience. I mean, it builds credibility and all that jazz. So, I go through my litany of issues that I have tackled and some are more heavy than others. I don't go into much detail if I am speaking in my home town to protect the lives of the innocent (you know, my ego, my esteem and my pride) because the hometown crowd is kinda the last to want to know too much of your dirty laundry. I mean, the hometown has to socialize with you, interact with your kids and see you at the grocery store and there are some things that them knowing gums up the works and makes things awkward.

ANYWAY.....

So, I noticed something very interesting about this crowd and I have decided it bears watching in future speaking engagements. When I spoke boldly about child abuse, you could hear the tinkling of silverware and see the audience looking at their lasagna, and I thought I heard at least one cricket. When I spoke about having lost 100 lbs over ten years ago, I got applause and most eyes were on me instead of the lasagna. Hmmmmmm. Interesting huh?

So, I find it interesting that the subject of weight loss is far more interesting to people than other topics. The shift in the room from the lasagna to the my body was palpable. I could feel some people trying to imagine me with 100 more displaced pounds. They could turn on the photo shop in their minds and add and take away the mass and then translate that loss into success. they could mentally picture the reduction and that resulted in their applause.

Imagine if there was a way to quantify the other issues. I am willing to bet that someone in that audience understood me when I spoke about child abuse and related to me instantly. They could imagine the weight of the abuse on my inside and perhaps in their heads they were applauding. I also bet, and don't freak out on me here, there was someone in the audience who is an abuser and they probably didn't understand at all where I was coming from, but I believe that God can soften their hearts or that they can hear my message and make change in their lives.

So, it is on my mind this morning about how something like weight loss is applause worthy and something like overcoming child abuse is lasagna-staring worthy. I want to change that. I want to talk about this. I want to make a difference. I bet you that there are as many people who stuff the memories of child abuse as their are people who stuff twinkies in their mouths to cover that pain. Jus' sayin'. I bet there are as many people who would love vindication from their personal past as there are people who want weight watchers credits. I bet you a bag of chips that there are as many people who would love to be applauded for overcoming an abusive childhood as there are people who would love to be applauded for losing weight.

Peace and Light and applause to you all~

Books Change Lives

2010-12-01T20:01:00.000-08:00

Books first began to change my life when I was a school-aged child. Thank God that our school had a library where I could check out books at no cost.

The first way that books changed my life was that they taught me social skills. Since I did not have proper modeling at home, I learned a lot from stories. Through books I was able to escape from my life into the lives of other people who either had it better or worse than me. Thank goodness for VC Andrews because when I thought my parents were bad, I sensed that I had it easy compared to the characters in her books. I mean, I may have been momentarily locked in a basement, but I wasn't living in the attic....

I think my aptitude for reading really helped to increase my imagination, my vocabulary and my sense of self.

As I grew, I turned to books to help me when I wanted to make changes in my life. Books were affordable, relatively easy to get and were available anytime I needed them. When I decided to make serious changes in my life, one book: Dr. Phil McGraw's Life Strategies, Doing what Works, Doing What Matters literally changed my life forever.

I bought this book just before I went in to have knee surgery. I blew my knee out skiing and I wanted something to read as I recovered and this book was the highly anticipated first book by the new-on-the-scene guru.

I read that book while I was on morphine and I am not sure if it was the drugs, the Holy Spirit or my true desire to change that opened up my heart to what he had to say. Dr. Phil is a hard hitting tell it like it is guy and he got me right where I was. He told me how I was a martyr who was benefiting from all of my own self-created BS or I wouldn't be doing the stupid things I was doing. He was right. By the time the book was done, morphine out of my system and the knee rehabilitated, I had lost 100 pounds and had changed my life completely. COMPLETELY!!!!! Yes, one book changed my life.

A few years latter and a few books under my belt I encountered another book that changed my life. Jack Canfiled's The Success Principles, How To Get From Where You Are To Where You Want To Be was the next monumental book in my life. Through Jack's self-help Bible, I was able to develop my personal plan for getting out of the boat of mediocrity and walking on the waters of success. The truth is that I wrote my first book (just waiting to for the financing to print) because of Jack. I had a dream to co-author a Chicken Soup for the Soul book and I had read that Jack would only write with published authors and that was all I needed to launch my book writing.

There have been many book since that time that have changed my life. Most recently, Henri Nouwen's Life Of The Beloved and the Book of John from the Holy Bible.

I was running last week after Thanksgiving and I passed by a women's shelter here in town. As I was running, God spoke to me telling me to donate my entire personal collection of books to the shelter. He told me to write a message of encouragement inside each book so whoever picks it up will know that they were thought of, prayed over and that they can change their lives.

I am very excited to obey God in this task. Today I went to the local Kiwanis meeting to implore them to choose a book from their personal library and write a message of hope as well. The Kiwanis group was able to meet a wonderful woman who went through the program and has since graduated and changed her life. She said books helped make that happen. I know it is true.

Over the next weeks, I will travel around asking people to help change lives by donating a book that changed theirs. I hope to fill the house with a library of literary love that will help the women make the changes they so want in their lives. It is one thing to want change and another thing entirely to be shown how. I want to show them how.

As a small, frightened girl with no one to save me for ten years from a life of sexual abuse and pain, books and God were what I had. Only thing is I could only see the books, I didn't know God was there. He gave me the brains to be able to read when I shouldn't have had a very large IQ. He guided me to the authors who could be His stand in until I could realize He was the ultimate author of my life. I want to do this for others. They may not know it is God who has driven me to put books in their hands, but one day they will, when it all clicks together and their lives are changed, through a book with a message inside the cover that reads: Books change lived, you can change yours and you deserve it.

Peace and Light and please donate a book to Books Change Lives~

Step Away From The Credit Card

2010-11-29T08:55:00.000-08:00

So, I write this blog because I think it benefits people to see that you can be faced with issues that stress you out and you can face them and grow from them. We all have a talent that God put into us and mine is the talent of encouragement. I think it is encouraging to speak with, learn from and engage with real people who are facing real issues and dealing with them.

Today, I was faced with a decision. I could make a choice. I could tithe or not tithe.

I have been under employed for one full year. I have been living on $1600.00 a month for one full year. That has been very hard on my family and my ego. I have a Masters degree and a very full and rich resume with wonderful references; however, the job market is just at an all time low and there aren't many jobs out there. I am in the final phases of two job opportunities and I am amazed and surprised by the length of time it has taken to go through the interview process. One process started with an application last August. Yes, four months. I have been through one paper screening, one three hour test, three face-to-face interviews, one thorough background check, one set of fingerprints, am in salary negotiations and am waiting for a drug test and then maybe there will be a position at the end of the line. I also am waiting to hear on a final interview that I had on the 9th of November, like 21 days ago!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhh........ If neither of them comes through, I am back to the beginning.

So, now it is the holidays. It is the time of year when we are supposed to be making our loved ones feel as special as the baby Jesus as promoted by Hallmark and American Eagle. We should be baking cookies for exchanges, buying gifts for our co-workers and putting money into every kettle we pass. We should be joyful and triumphant and neary a sad thought pop into our heads as it leaves no room for the sugar plums to dance.

Okay people, here is the deal. I got paid last week, early because of Thanksgiving, which means I have to make the money stretch even longer. I do not get paid again until a week from this Friday. Once I set aside money for my rent (for December) and my car insurance, I will have 500.00 to last me 14 more days. But wait, I need to tithe. I need to tithe on my gross income, That will be another 110.00 dollars...

I realized I was at a crossroads. I had to make a decision. to tithe or not to tithe. I mean, I fall under the categories that agencies use to determine if someone can be on an angel tree. I'm pretty sure I could get some free cheese somewhere and perhaps a turkey basket from the Salvation Army. I need to give money away???? As I sit here, my heater is off and I see frost on the lawn. I smell the crock pot where I have carefully blended the same components from last nights dinner into a new form hoping to fool my kids that it is something I "just whipped up." I have to give to someone else???

YES!!!!

Here is what I know like I know like I know. The feeling I have right now is fear. What is different from me and thousands of others this season is that I am not going to stuff my fear. I know I do not have enough money to make my children's Christmas a Normal Rockwell masterpiece, but here is what else I know. When the holiday is over, I will not be in debt. I will not owe one penny to anyone for the month of December.

Many people are being faced right now with the insecurities of providing their families with a fairy tale. It is a fairy tale to believe that Jesus wants you to go into to debt over his birth. It is just another way that the enemy has crept into God's business. The enemy uses greed to lure you away from what it most meaningful this time of year.

many people are going to use their credit cards to buy things they can't afford to make it look like there is no struggle in their lives. they will forgo paying a bill assuring themselves that they will make it up next month. They are just postponing their date with destiny.

I may not like where I am today, but it is transitory. I am a good leader. I am leading by example. I am working within my means. My emergency credit card is still tucked away and my tithe is in an envelope going out into today's mail. Someone will be blessed because I made the right choice. I am making this choice in faith that God is good and His promises apply to me. I will see a return for my conscious choice to obedience even when I need this money, even when I do not know how I will stretch what is left, even when there are no guarantees, I choose to believe...

I implore you. Do not fall into the trap of the fairy tale. You can say no to the extra costs of Christmas. Your kids will survive without massive quantities of gifts. You do not NEED to send Christmas cards, bake cookies, or other extra expensive stuff you can't afford. The sense of self worth you will feel when you are flush this season far outweighs the guilt you feel when you clean up the Christmas wrap and realize that the holiday is over, but the bills still remain.

Peace and Light and Tithing to you all~

Sticks and Stones...........

2010-11-24T08:28:00.000-08:00

I'm Baaaaack in the Red Bluff Daily News today. I took a hiatus from writing my weekly column to learn to deal with personal criticism. I say personal, because what happened to me was a personal attack, not a constructive sort of disagreement.

My initial reaction to being attacked, was retreat. It wasn't so much that I believed what was being said was right, it was more that I knew that the energy that had attached itself to the mess was out of hand and that the fuel fed to the monster that is hate was so strong that it wasn't going to let up. It was a feeding frenzy of the most horrible statements back and forth between people.

So, as I always do in my snarky evolution, I got off the crazy train and I looked within to see how to learn and grow from the experience. The old me would have been sarcastic, snide and seething needing to find a clever way to retaliate. I used to be a fairly vindictive person. Yes, I wanted vindication when I thought I had been wronged. I also wanted to involve myself in other people's battles if I thought they had been wronged.

Boy have a learned a lot.

First, off, here's a lesson for ya. If you tell yourself you are loyal to people and that justifies you sticking your nose into other people's business and putting in your two cents, you are wrong. Most likely, when someone drags you into their drama you are getting their side of the story complete with how they were victimized, how they were hurt and the other person is 100% wrong. OK, reality check...... remember when our kids were tattle tales and you just knew that there was more to the story, Uh, yeah, its like that. So when someone comes to you with their version of woe is me, all you have to do is one thing, LISTEN to them. Give them a sounding board and let them vent. You do not have to adopt their opinion, get a posse and go all bounty hunter on the other guy.

Also, if you want to win more friends and influence more people, try to live by this notion: people are inherently good. If you believe, deep down that people are inherently good then you can get to the place where you realize that we are all flawed. We all make mistakes and some of us are farther down the self-enlightenment path than others. I tell myself that all people are valuable. All people are good, they just screw up sometimes; myself included. I guarantee that I have made multiple punctuation errors in this blog, but I am still a good writer. (I think)

So, after I picked myself up from the fetal position on my floor a few months ago, licking my wounds from being called a fraud, someone who should be ashamed of myself, in love with a con-artist, and a myriad of other things, I realized the old school yard saying was playing in my head: Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words may never hurt me.

First off, that is BS. Words do hurt. They leave life-long scars that can affect people. When one of my closest confidants blasted me and put my private info on the internet, she forced me to face my worst fear. Well, what others meant for my harm, God used for my benefit. When faced with the worst case scenario, I dug deeper than ever and decided to share my past. and I wrote the blog post "If you really knew me" That changed the playing field in that I was able to show readers my reality. Where I came from and that my ability to do things well as an adult is actually a miracle sometimes considering where I could have gone with all of that anger, abuse and neglect.

Words do hurt. f I had not been told many horrible things about myself as a child, I may not have developed many of my old icky habits like being a gossip, being hyper-sensitive to criticism and being vindictive.

Words do hurt. If I had better esteem I would have not been effected by negative comments posted about me. I think of it like the supermarket tabloids. Mean things are printed every week for the nation to see when they are buying tampons, beer and lettuce. People are defamed, demoralized and dumped on next to the Trident and M&M's. Mom's sanitize the shopping cart before they put their baby in it, but they don't shield their eyes from the headlines at the check out. It's all viral and poisonous.

So, after I stopped writing, I initially felt a wave of relief. I envisioned the satisfied look on about three people's faces just like they will have tomorrow after their holiday meal, right up until the guilt of all they've eaten overcomes them. I thought more about them initially and how they finally got what they wanted and I finally got what I wanted~for them to shut the hell up.

THEN~

it seemed everywhere I went people saw me and asked me about the column. How they loved the You Matter series. then John Fox died and people asked me to write a You Matter and I realized, I could't and I felt sad. It just became more and more evident that the column helped more than it hurt. It seems that I helped people more than I hurt too.

SOOOO

The snarky evolution has been this~ Face your fears. Walk into them. they are often paper tigers. One of the things you find out when you face your fears is that you are a better problem solver than you thought. Also, I know like I know like I know that if you are following God's plan for you, no person on earth can stop it. No negative comment, no spot light on your secrets and no words can hurt you.

Peace and Light and Happy Thanksgiving to you all~

Girls Inc. Awards Breakfast

2010-11-15T17:37:00.000-08:00

What a wonderful moment. I especially loved that the other women had such amazing stories of how they are Strong, Smart and Bold.

Be true to yourself. embrace yourself and love yourself. If you truly give of yourself, you will have the best gift of all. The gift of impacting someone for the better. Beauty for ashes......

Peace and Light to you all~

I have a healing hypothesis

2010-11-10T09:32:00.001-08:00

I have a new hypothesis or theory developing in my collective mind with God. He has been working with me on my messy message about surviving child abuse and the trauma it causes us that we take into our adult world and ultimately hurt ourselves with our own thoughts, feelings and actions. So bear with God and I as we try to use my fingers to put this thought into an intelligible frame of reference.

When a child is abused. Hit, hurt, humiliated, made to feel ANYTHING other than safe, secure, loved and valued, a part of them knows it is not their fault. It takes time to condition a child to the fact that they are whatever it is the abuser tells them they are. They are not hit once and immediately feel they deserved it. They are not molested once and thought that they are trash. It is through conditioning that they begin to feel worthless and dirty and all the plagues of abuse.

So, that being said, why is it that children morph into adults who have low esteem? Well, I have a theory about that.

There is a God-given innocence to children. There is a reason God made most infant creatures pleasing to look at: puppies, polar bears, sea lions and human babies all have the cute factor. Their cuteness gets them an automatic get out of jail free card. an automatic do-over with the adult world. Heck even the juvenile justice center is based on one more try, one more chance.

As children we know it. I knew that I was a child and was not expected to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders for the most part, just not the whole part. It seems as a child I knew that I had some sort of strength others did not have. I knew I was smarter than my mom and certainly more strong as I stood up for myself against the man who abused me when she wouldn't or couldn't. Even then I knew I was some sort of warrior though I couldn't have labeled myself. I just had a fire in my belly to succeed.

So, when do people, who all start out innocent, morph into self-loathing, esteem lacking creatures who spend their lives hating their own thoughts about themselves? When they commit their first sin.

You see my theory is that (and this is where my articulation is still developing here people) there is a period of time where we are just a reservoir, receiving information. We hear we are too skinny, too fat, stupid, not pretty enough, have kinky hair, straight hair, a crooked nose or teeth. In my case a motor mouth, spaz, hyper. We hear messages that we are lazy, no good, a waste of air, can't cook, can't play sports, can't be relied on. We are a jerk, cold, a wuss, a pussy. We get laughed at for wearing the wrong clothes, liking the wrong foods or loving the wrong person. We are just taking the mind bullets to the chest and soaking them into our psyche where they ruminate and stew in our spiritual juices.

For the most part, the meanness just hits you and it lays in wait. It doesn't necessarily define you at this point. As a matter of fact, you are pretty pissed off at the person who dealt you the comment and want to hurl a few verbal jabs back, but you don't.

Then one day IT happens. You do something mean, regretful, stupid, unplanned, hateful, gossipy, out of your character, unnecessary, surprising, foolish, and it all changes.

You are flooded with all the labels that have been growing in you like seeds. You are overwhelmed with the meshing of the names you were called and the fact that you actually just did something to earn those names. The guilt and the shame were the ultimate fertilizer for the nasty little seeds planted in your psyche. The seeds grow with the application of miracle grow (as bullshit does) and they become your new normal.

This is how a child that is innocent grows into hating themselves. They internalize the messages they received when they cross the line into making a mistake. BUT WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES PEOPLE...... (do you like the caps to emphasize my point?)

Who you are is not what you did. it is what you did after you did it that matters. Did you regret and make amends or did you become a jerk instead?

Who you are is not what happened to you. Its what you did after it happened that mattered. Did you shut down and become a victim or did you say "that was an action against me not because of me."

I struggle all the time with the messages I internalized as a child. It was a blend of the crap I got at home with the messages I received on the play ground. I could not separate my two realities. I was being forced to have sex at 3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12, and 13 and then going to school to learn social skills with kids who had been to church, had pajamas that zipped their bodies up tight and lunches packed with sandwiches with the crusts cut off and notes from their mommies who later came to cheer them on at flag football. I used to fantasize that the music teacher was my mom and I would try to be the best singer in the choir so she would just notice I was alive and then the girl next to me would say I was too loud. Kids who were friends one day would laugh at my clothes the next. It was a difficult time to believe in myself.

My point is that I have God in my life helping me to make sense of it all, so you can make sense of it all. He wants to help you too, but apparently He thinks I should be his mouthpiece.

What is the point of this blog? Well, if you have been abused, you can relate to what I am saying and you can maybe see the moment in your life where you crossed the line from innocent to guilty in your mind, but I say to you clearly. You are not what you did. You are not an incident. You are who you want to make yourself to be. All it takes is a desire and one step in the right direction.

If you are a part of the community, especially working with children. remember, you may be the one person who is a safety net. You may be the person who that child witnesses as an ambassador for kindness, humanity, safety, hope that there is something more out there than what they have experienced. If people could have signs that labeled the hurt that you could minister too, I know you would, but they don't so why don't you just go about your life trying to be a blessing to someone in some way. Even the darkest of people need God's love. Even the brightest of people need God's forgiveness. Each of us in no more or less than the other, our good and our bad just shines differently.

I spent my ENTIRE life never wanting people to feel sorry for me because the monster in me said I did not deserve the same things pretty little well-behaved girls had. Guess what, I still feel that way sometimes. I have a masters degree in psychology and 14 years experience in mental health and sometimes I feel like a hater is better than me. A person who viscously attacks my motives, my heart and my intentions sometimes gets the better of me. I am working on that because I know it is my demon and I will cast it out and I will continue to roll theories and hypothesis around in my mind and use them to help others.

Peace and Light and healing to you all~

Taylor Swift Innocent

Please Take The Stairs

2010-11-08T08:30:00.000-08:00

Guess what guys, the elevator to success has been out of order for years and the only way to the top is by taking the stairs one by one.

You have heard the cliche that there is no such thing as an overnight success. The people who have immediate success in life rarely sustain it. It is that 15 minutes of fame thing. They get the lime light for some weird feat of courage or some odd feat of wackoness and then they fade out. Someone wins the lottery and looses the millions within two years. It's because they didn't take the stairs.

There are so many analogies to taking the stairs. If you are fat, taking the stairs will get you to your goal of weight loss. If you are searching for meaning, taking the metaphorical steps to the top will get you to your goal. It is about the journey.

Have you ever walked more than a few flights of stairs? Your breath gets labored, you have to lean in to it a little and as the feel good chemicals release in your brain you become more determined to get to the top. Once you are there you are relieved and proud of yourself for making it.

When you were at the top of the stairs you were different than you were at the bottom. You are older (even if by a few moments) you have changed somehow and have gotten closer to where you want to be.

To me, success has to be a win of some sort that is so vastly different than who you were. I mean, the way I see it a success has to be an opposite. If you were already wealthy and you made more money, that is no success. That is more of the same. If you are thin and you go down a size, um, not so impressive. Success is a change in status that is significant.

The best successes are ones accomplished in such a way that people can't believe you did that. If you were a raging jerk and you have changed and become a cool cat that is success. If you had to become bankrupt and you now have a successful financial life, you are a success. If you were fat and you are not, that is success. If you had an idea in your head and created a tangible product, business or outcome, you are a success.

Here is the rub. Success is formulated in your mind long before the result is here. You have to take the steps to the top of the stairs. As you take the steps things will happen. You will feel the growth inside. God will see the desire to change and many things will happen. You will feel powerful, you will feel challenged and think things are not changing.

One of the hardest parts for me about trying to make change has been the outside world's opinion of my success. When I lost 100 pound ten years ago, the world did not notice my weight loss immediately. Though I had changed my diet and began to exercise, the weight did not fall of overnight. It took time. I had weeks where I busted my butt eating right and exercising and nothing happened. No pound lost, no change in clothing sizes. You could not see the change on the outside but it was happening. Over time, I lost 100 pounds and there was no denying I was a success.

In July of 2009 I filed bankruptcy. I had been caught up in the sub-prime mortgage rage when I got a divorce nearly 10 years ago and refinanced. I was working three jobs making it happen; paying my bills, filling my Suburban with 4.00 a gallon gas and commuting in it to Redding. I was making sure my daughters were in sports, I was volunteering and doing all the right things, but the fabulous loan I got at the time of my divorce matured into a high-priced loan for a home that had lost a lot of its value. Filing bankruptcy was a humiliating decision that I did not come to quickly or lightly. I did not have to bankrupt hundreds of thousands of dollars, but it may as well have been in my mind. The thing my attorney told me is that the ability to file bankruptcy is one of the principles this country was founded on. Before America, if a person could not pay their bills they were put into debtors prison and because of our founding fathers, we have a way to start and better life. I have a list on my vision board that lists the bankruptcy alumni: P.T. Barnum, David Buick (Buick Motors), Walt Disney, James Folger (Folgers coffee), Henry Ford, Conrad Hilton, J.C. Penney, Sam Walton, William Fox (20th Century Fox), Frank Lloyd Wright. The fact is that since before I filed, I have not incurred one dime of debt. For over three years I have been debt free. I have been able to survive on one part time job for over a year now and I have no credit card debt, no car payment and I feel free. I used bankruptcy to make me better not bitter.

Now when I filed bankruptcy, I felt like a loser for a long time. I thought people were judging me. Okay, they were, they posted it on my column. they said "she's a poser, a fraud, she's talks about success and she is bankrupt." The truth was I was a single mom working my ass off and the economy tanked and I had more car, house and kid-costs than I could manage. What I did that makes me a success was cut out the frivolous crap in my life. Started Tithing 10% of everything I take in. I started living right and that is a success. I have been debt free and responsible with my money and I will never worry about making foolish mistakes again. I am disciplined and that is success. No one could see the success on the outside, but it was already happening on the inside.

My point in all of this is that if you know you have a call on your life or you have a message you want to tell others and you feel shame because someone says you are not a good example of success they are wrong. It is far more impressive for God to use your mess as a message to people because you have the WOW factor. Your change, your success, your taking something horrible that caused you shame and teaching others what you learned is AMAZING!!! Do not listen to the people who say you are a poser, a loser or you are a hypocrite or a fraud. They are the enemy's mouthpiece and they do not matter. You matter and if I cross your path, I will share it with the world in my column.

Peace and Light and a messy life to you all~

Stronger, Smarter and Bolder

2010-11-05T09:02:00.000-07:00

What a powerful morning. Today, I was given an award by Girl's Inc. for my writing and speaking about my life. Who knew?

This award came at a very important time in my life. I know it was a God thing, as all good things are. I was beaten down by haters and internal thoughts that were telling me to stop. Stop writing, stop sharing, stop trying and stop putting myself out there for the locals to criticize. I quit my column, downsized my speaking to next to nothing and settled in for the mediocrity that was sure to follow. I imagined the people who disliked me dancing over burning copies of my column and rejoicing in how they had shut me up. Facebooking their innuendo and inside jokes and mocking me from a distance at the football games. I didn't feel defeated per se, more like wrestling with the fact that what I would prefer to do was retaliate, so I had limited options and taking a break was the best of them.

Within a few weeks, something interesting happened. People started stopping me asking where my column was. Not people I knew, people who didn't know me personally. The paper asked me to reconsider. In public situations, people started referring to me as the woman who writes. It was as if God was showing me that who I was wasn't who I thought. I wasn't only just part of who I knew; I was more.

Then......

The phone rang. I was sitting on the couch and the woman on the other end told me I had been selected to receive an award from Girl's Inc. because of my work with women and children and that she hoped I could come to their breakfast. I immediately burst into tears. What???? You want to give me an award. Haven't you heard? I am a loser, a poser, a liar, a fraud, arrogant, a horn-tooter, a know-it-all, a person who thinks too highly of herself. What's that you say? I am Strong, Smart and Bold? Oh, I did realize that.

That day was a turning point in my life. That day I embraced what God has been trying to get me to do for years. That is the day I wrote this blog: If You Really Knew Me That blog was the hardest thing I have ever written, but it was the most beneficial.

I learned recently that I had been spending my entire life hiding the fact that I had been molested and mentally assaulted from the time I was three to thirteen. I only spoke about the other side of the equation. The side that was all about success, resilience, not being a victim and all things we could be, do and have if we just followed some really simple steps. I spent all my time talking about who I am, not who I was or what motivated me to be, do and have. That was my mistake.

When I began to share my story of being molested and mentally assaulted for ten loooooong years; all of the years of important childhood development, I began to reach people at a different level. You would not believe the emails and contact I have gotten in response. I guess it made me seem a little less self-serving and a little more deserving.

I do not care to make an impact on perfect people who live in perfect homes with perfect lives. They have nothing in common with me and we can not relate to one another. I do not care to try to make an impact on people who look for ulterior motives in my work. I look to reach the one woman who knows the pain of being personally invaded and all the residual affect it has on her life. I look to impact that man who has wondered why he thinks about doing the unmentionable to a child. I look to witness to others that though you thought you were alone when you were being touched, beaten, and told you were nothing, God was there even though you may not have been able to see it.

Getting this award means a lot for a lot of reasons, but the primary reason is that it reminds me that I am Strong, Smart and Bold and not everyone can be. These are gifts. I embrace my Strength, my Intelligence and my Boldness. I appreciate those aspects of me because God gave them to me. My DNA would indicate that I'd be a below average IQ, alcoholic, underachiever. My upbringing indicates that I should have sexual dysfunction, hate all men and have a huge chip on my shoulder about power. My social status indicates that I should be ashamed of my brashness and boldness. Somehow, despite the odds, God gave me Strong, Smart and Bold.

I am who I am and that's all that I am. I am a daughter of the Most High, I am a survivor of a decade of abuse and neglect, I am a mother to amazing children and the loving granddaughter to grandparents. I am in love, I am made whole and I am Strong, Smart and Bold.

If you want to get to the other side of your mountain and let go of the hurt and the pain, all you have to do is acknowledge that you matter. You have a message, a ministry and by helping others you will be healed.

Peace and light and happy awards day to you~

Dancing around the subject

2010-10-20T16:27:00.000-07:00

I was just watching Tyler Perry's interview on Oprah about the abuse his father did to him as a child. It was one of those times where you feel you are in a special club that you really don't want to be a part of.

I can relate to many of the things he was saying and I am sure to a lot of people they seem really horrible. What I can relate to most is when he talked about how it changes you.

Being the child of abuse is not something I EVER wanted to talk about or wear as a badge of who I am. I spent nearly 37 years keeping that element of me a secret. I allowed myself to hide the feelings that inevitably go with trying to manage a pain so large you simply can't contain it inside your mind. The pain isn't the physical, it is the scarring that occurs in my being that I do not realize is a manifestation of the abuse. Said another way, the thoughts that form in my mind about my worth and my ability to cope with negativity have been disfigured. Because of my experiences as a child, I lack some of the natural defenses many of you have for attack. It is an AIDS epidemic of my own immune system. I lack the fighting power to withstand personal attack.

Being sensitive to criticism has been my Achilles heel in trying to make more of my career and personal life. When ever I start pushing my way through the barriers, I inevitably crumble when someone challenges me. That is why I have been achieving mediocre success. That is why I make a study of successful people and how they operate and share that information with others.

For me, when someone points out their mere opinion of me, I become a frightened child who is unable to withstand the criticism because I have held on the the lies that were told to me years and years ago by a man who's face I can barely recall even when I try really hard. The lies that I was not worth loving or being safe or that I was too loud, a spaz or whatever.

I spend more time believing the untruths about me instead of looking at the facts. The facts are not that I am an awkward, too large, too loud, not enough this or that of a person. The facts are that I am a woman who as a child must have had an incredible amount of strength to withstand 10 years of nearly daily sexual abuse and certainly daily mental abuse. I am a woman who has compassion for others that I learned by watching people I admired and wanted to emulate. I am smart as hell and I can adapt to situations better than most people. I am articulate and I am capable of teaching others things that matter.

BUT

when someone says on the internet or in an anonymous email that I am a fraud or a freak or worse, I have that part of my deep inside that has a face I can barely recall that reinforces their negativity.

God has been there for me longer than I have been there for Him. I appreciate the fact that He instilled in me the qualities that I listed. How do I know it is true? How many people do we read about who are in prisons or have done nothing with their lives and we can trace it back to abuse? I am not one of them. I am one of the ones who chose to make my mess a message.

I was afraid for years to talk about this subject. Afraid of certain people in my small town gossiping or staring or publicly humiliating me. Well, before I even said my story, that happened and it was the best thing that could happen to me. They caused me to live my life out in the open and being true to myself has been the best healing medicine ever.

I encounter people who say "remember me when you are famous" I used to think that would never happen because I knew in my heart I was too scared to withstand the negative people out there. I'm not so afraid anymore.

I used to think that I needed to hide my secrets from the world because I did not want my abuse to be what defined me, but I am realizing bit by bit that giving the real story helps people way more than dancing around the subject.

If you were abused, you know what I am talking about. You do not need to adopt the lies from someone else. Their opinions are not your reality. You never deserved one moment of what you got. If you are on the other side of that mountain, you can change and be, do and have whatever you want in life. I know you can.

Peace and Light and quit dancing around your subjects~

What Are You Trying To Tell Me Sandwich Lady?

2010-10-13T13:50:00.000-07:00

So, back in the day when I was my oldest daughters age, I loved a certain sandwich. I believe it had medicinal properties for late night issues that cause next day pain.

Quite simply, the sandwich was sliced sourdough, jack cheese, mayo, turkey, light lettuce, and extra pickles. I really loved those back-in-the-day.

So, despite my certainly more civilized lifestyle, I recently ordered that sandwich and have been on a binge ever since. Today, my daughter, her God-Father and I went to lunch and I ordered said sammy and asked for no sides because if the fries are there I will eat them. Not one or two, allllllllll of them and preferably with an additional side of ranch and BBQ sauce mixed together for my dipping pleasure. The waitress encouraged me to go with a side of fruit and I conceded as fruit has wonderful colon cleansing properties that I am certain counter act the surely carcinogenic properties of extra pickles.

So, here comes the plate and what to my wondering eyes should appear by HALF a sandwich and a cup O' fruit. I wonder what was up with that nonsense. Do you think the waitress was trying to tell me something? Do I look like I would benefit from HALF of what I asked for?

Believe it or not, my initial reaction was martyrdom. I mean, how would I look if I said I WANT MORE! More white processed bread, more cheese, more MAYONNAISE! I was pretty sad in the first moments of my denial.

BUT.....

The fruit was awesome. You know the good grapes that are firm and crunchy? I got those. You know the bananas that are ripe, but still firm and not too bananay? I got those too. You know the strawberries that don't make your mouth pucker and don't make your fillings ache? I got those.

I enjoyed my half of sandwich and fruit and when it was over I did not feel too full or too hungry. I did not feel deprived and I still felt like tipping the waitress..........

Peace and Light and a little less calories to you all~

A Metaphorical Life

2010-10-11T07:48:00.000-07:00

Most speakers love a good metaphor. We love a good story that illustrates a thought and makes it teachable through relatable material.

Well, I have a kink in my neck and it is a metaphor for change.

I've had this kink in my neck since last week. I woke up and felt the twinge and over the course of the day it morphed into a pinch, an ache and an acute case of the obnoxiously annoying OMG's.

My range of motion was impeded, my thoughts became cranky and the pain I felt was robbing me of any opportunities of joy in my life. I had a big weekend planned and I wanted relief, but my schedule didn't allow for a trip to the massage therapist and surely the chiropractor could not see me with no notice.

I tried to tell myself it wasn't a problem, that when I woke up in the morning it would be magically healed. "Get behind thee pain in the neck, in Jesus' name, Amen" didn't work.

I hemmed and hawed through the weekend mixing fun with pain and noticing how a chronic, painful kink in my neck made for a chronic and painful life. You know that feeling when you have heightened senses when the sky is crisp blue and the smells are amazing and the sound of birds is amazing and the thoughts you think are amazing and you just love and tolerate everyone's differences and you want to tithe and love and be a blessing to all? Yeah, well when you have a kink in your neck for four days, you do not feel those things naturally, you have to make yourself be better in spite of the pain.

Last night I took a Tylenol PM knowing that it would be hard to wake this morning and sure enough, I am a bit sluggish and look like a creeper at the keyboard with bed head and pajama's.

But, check this out, and here is the metaphor people. Emotional pain is like this kink in my neck. It starts out small and it twinges your life a bit, but then it grows and it becomes more pronounced in your life until it debilitates all the fun in your life. It dulls your senses and makes you not want to help others or do things for yourself other than eat too much or too little, sleep to much or too little, grouch too much or too little. Before you know it the pain of your past, the pain of your abuse, the pain of regret, the pain of decisions, the pain of your indecisions, the pain of your choices all manifest in this chronic and painful life.

Four days is all I can stand. Today I am taking this pain into my hands and going to get a massage. I am going to attack the pain, rid myself of its heinous side affects like bitchiness, slothfulness, a desire to eat baked potato soup and whole cheesecakes, and a sense that life is too hard.

Our inner pain is just like this kink in my neck. It keeps you from being who you want to be and who God wants you to be. It is there and how it got there is not as important as getting rid of it. You may not have caused your inner pain and the hurt of feeling victimized may make you think you can't control your own life, but guess what?! You can control getting it fixed.

Let me say this another way. You may not be able to change who did what to you or why you have inner pain, but you CAN CHANGE the pain being there. Allow God to massage your thoughts, feelings and actions just like a masseuse massages a muscle. Let the kink get worked out. Seek healing and knowledge about your pain.

Medicating the pain will not work, you will just walk around in a fog and haze. Doing nothing will not work, you can ignore the pain but it will rob you of the crispness of life until you barely remember being a vibrant person. blaming others for the pain will not work. They can not feel your pain and can not appreciate the magnitude it has in your life.

The only cure is to lay down, submit to the Healer and allow Him to push and pull and knead and stretch you until the pain has no choice but to leave your body. You must chose to lie down and submit to the pain of getting the kinks out. My skin is tender and I want the relief, but touching my neck hurts too. I know because I have walked the path of healing that it is worth it to go and get the kink worked out.

I also know that it is worth it to work with God to work out the kinks in my emotional life. I hope you take my advice and go see the ultimate healer soon.

Peace and Light and a kink free life to you all~

The Right Place at the Right Time.

2010-10-06T17:40:00.000-07:00

Note To Faydra: When looking up images on Google do not type in the word "gag"

Yesterday, I had an interesting experience that made me, how shall I say it, GAG. I wanted to illustrate that for you in the blog so you could appreciate the magnitude of the experience, but the images Google offered for the word gag would be as far from the meaning I was searching for as you can get.

Sooooooo, you get the element of crying baby instead.

So, imagine this. It is late in the afternoon and I am sitting in an westward facing, glass paneled room as the sun sets minding my own business reading a book; the temp rising incrementally with each passing second. The room has hard chairs and a cafeteria style floor. In other words, it is hot and every sound bounces off the floor and walls and echoes. Inside the room with me is a mom with her baby who has had enough of the situation and, as baby's do, expresses his extreme displeasure verbally (see pic above for reference) So, it is hot, he is screaming and it is bouncing off the walls and his mother bounces him on her knee certain that will entertain him into forgetting he is miserable.

Next, a woman comes in who has devoted her life to her two favorite things, cigarettes and romance novels. How do I know, she has both in her hand. That is of no consequence to me when she sits down and politely engages me in small talk. It is only polite to look someone in the eye when they speak to you and I am anything, if not polite. Well, imagine my horror when I realize that she has only one real eye.

Now, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, "Faydra, you are mocking the disabled?" "this poor woman has only one good eye and you think that is something to talk about?" Ummmmm, no. The horror came after I realized that the "affected" eye was glass (and to be honest with you I am glad it was because.......) it was infected. It was goozing (yes, that is a word) with green, boogery nasty puss. It had a hair stuck in it and it was staring at me the whole time I was politely speaking with her about our mutual love of reading; mine, Thinking for a change, hers, the Snow Vixen.

So, at this point, we have a hot and getting hotter room, screaming inconsolable child and goopy eye. I could feel the urge to vomit coming over me. I am 41, most certainly pre menopausal and this stuff just gets to me. But NOOOOOOO it gets worse.........

In rolls a young lady. Yes, young lady in a wheelchair. "What?, Faydra, More mocking the disabled?" ummmmmmm How's this..... the woman rolls up beside Goopy and I and there on her lap in full view is her bag-o-urine attached to the catheter that is running out of her capris. Clear tubing and clear bag, that by my inspection, was just about due for servicing.

Sooooooo, hot steamy room, screaming 11-month old, Goopy eye book club member and undignified paraplegic lady and I all bonded.

I could barely stand the sights, smells and sounds of my surroundings and I thought for sure I was going to lose it a few times, but I continued to chat away with Goopy and I shared my pen with Urine Lady. I told Screaming Baby that he was precious and consoled mom who was obviously at her own wit's end. Later, I ran with all the stamina my legs had to my car to sanitize my hands and decompress my thoughts.

I came home and told my daughter about my encounter and you know what she said to me? In all seriousness she turns to me and says "God was testing your compassion mom. He kept upping the ante to see if you would cave, and you didn't"

Wow. What a perspective. I mean this is the kid who loves a good excuse to rib her mom over some of the stories I have told her and without a beat, she delivered a message to me that said I was in the right place at the right time. Who knew......

Peace and Light and compassion to you all~

How a Beer and a Doughnut Helped Me Change

2010-10-02T19:34:00.000-07:00

Thank you to all of you who have sent me e-mails, texts and phone calls about my last blog. Whew, That was a load to get off my chest.

The main reason for me to tell you about the crux of my childhood experience was an act of obedience. I believe that God has wanted to me to share my whole truth for a long time. There is something about withholding important information that makes your message muddy.

I thought for a long time that I could share my message that any one can be, do and have anything they want if they took control of their situation, stopped being a victim and wanted to make change. By leaving out the key issues that make me a "survivor" I minimized the impact that my message could make.

As I tried to put myself out there to help others, I became criticized by people calling me a joke, a fraud or someone looking to garner attention. Well, I do not know how I look to them now, but I feel humble, relieved and ready to make more of an impact on people.

The main message I have spoken of for years is about accountability and the fact that no one is a victim to their circumstances. The one thing I have learned in life is that we may have all the REASONS in the world to quit, feel sorry for ourselves, be angry, think that the world is not fair, etc... but I don't think we have the RIGHT to.

What gives me the right to become a burden to others just because I was victimized as a child? Believe it or not, a lot of abused people do. They walk around trying in vain to find the love they should have been given as a child, but were denied. They make every person they love pay for the sins of the one who betrayed them. They become victimizers by default.

I did not start out healthy in regards to my past. I had such a huge chip on my shoulder by the time I was a teen that I could not see that I was hurt far more than I realized. It took a sincere desire to change for me to become who I am today. My hope for you is to listen to a story or two from me and maybe see yourself or your maladaptive behavior and make some changes for yourself too.

For, me child molestation was not about the physical act of sexual abuse. Much like rape (which, don'cha think molestation is?) it was about control. I knew from a very early age that all aspects of my life were in the hands of one powerful male in my home. He made all of my choices. When I could eat, what I could eat, If I would eat and so much more. He decided if I were in trouble or not, if I were left alone or not. My entire universe was at his whim.

The main residual aspect of that life was that I lived in constant chaos and inability to predict my own day to day life. It is human nature to want to create routine. I never had that.

In concentration camps, prisons and boot camps, one of the tactics used to control others is to manipulate their environments so they can not predict anything. This, coupled with making people dependent on their abusers creates the Stockholm Syndrome whereby the victim actually appreciates their abuser. Totally gross, I know, but hey I was a kiddo.

My point is that the one issue that haunted me throughout life was an utter drive to control my own destiny. If anyone, in anyway tried to tell me "how it had to be" I made sure to let them know quickly that I was in control of my life. This affected me primarily with men in roles of authority. Go figure.

I remember the first boy friend my mom got after her divorce. He was at our house one day sitting in the recliner watching TV. I came home from 8th grade, saw him and promptly went to the fridge, got a can of beer and a doughnut and sat my happy butt on the couch and popped the top and took a big slurp and looked at him with a "and what are YOU going to do about that?" sideways look. Turns out he didn't do anything at all. He ended up being the first example in my life of a stable male adult who saw me through most of my high school years. I owe him a lot because he showed me safety and acceptance without making me feel bad about myself. Score one for team Faydra.

Oh the things we will discuss, oh the things you will hear, Oh the things we will learn together.

Peace and Light and no under age drinking to you all.

If You Really Knew Me

2010-09-30T08:48:00.000-07:00

I have been in the "field" of being a helper my entire career. Since I can recall, I have wanted to help others. I don't know if it was in my original nature or if it was a character trait I developed. I believe that my drive to help others comes from a loss that developed in my childhood.

I have made it no secret that my childhood was difficult, but I have never really shared the magnitude of that difficulty with others. I think that has been my undoing.

When I was a child, I believe I heard God speak to me deep inside my heart. Not in the schizophrenic way, but in the knowing way that the Holy Spirit assures us of what is right, wrong and helps us where ever we are in life. As a child, God spoke to me saying the same thing over and over again. He said "You are not of "this" world, you will be from it" At the time, I did not know that it was normal or not to hear a voice in your heart that comforts you and lets you know that things are not as they seem. At 3 years old, I did not know that any of my life was normal or not because I had no frame of reference.

I did not know who God was because I had not been taught. I did not know that how I lived was unusual because I had not been taught. All I knew is that I lived day to day just like you did absorbing my experiences and making them my reality. Some of you reading this lived just like me and some of you lived as polar opposite of me as you can imagine. I am writing to both of you, but for different reasons.

When I was school aged, I began to be exposed to other children and adults and that is when my real trouble started. Based on my experiences with other children and adults, I stopped listening to that voice deep in my heart. When I learned about Christianity as a school-aged child, the message I heard was that if you were pleasing to God, your life would be magical and you would be rewarded with His love. By the time I was finished with Kindergarten, I realized that my world was vastly different from my classmates. By the time I was into grammar school, I had fully internalized that I was not pleasing to God, my classmates or my parents.

The best way to describe me as a child would be the equivalent to a feral cat. I had no social skills and no impulse control. I did not have a responsible person in my life lovingly teaching me how to behave, modify my actions or become socialized. I learned all of that on the playground trying to fit in with kids whose mom's had made them waffles for breakfast and packed them peanut butter and jelly in thematic lunch pails with Mork and Mindy or Care Bears.

My point is that I became very confused as a young child about who I was and what I meant to this world. I saw kids who had new school clothes and pretty combed hair and I wondered what they knew that I didn't. What did they do that I couldn't. Why were they so different than me. We all know that young children say exactly what is on their minds and my friends said things to me like "why do you talk so much?" "why do you wear the same things every day?" I literally did not know why I did either of those things, I just did.

When we are young, we lack the emotional stability and life reference to know that if we are in a bad situation that we are supposed to seek help. We do not realize that what is happening to us isn't something we deserve, earned or have to continue to be exposed to. When we are young, we do not have the reference to see that hurting people hurt people and that just because someone is older, it does not make them wiser. At least I didn't know that.

What I did know was how to keep a really good secret. I knew how to live two lives. One at home and one at school. There is a really good show on TV right know called "If You Really Knew Me."

This show is based on challenge day at the high school which is an attempt to humanize kids from different cliques to each other and show them that what they labeled their classmates as was, in fact, very different from who they really were. It shows kids from all walks of life that there are common misconceptions about them and it draws them closer together by sharing secrets about them breaking down barriers.

I want to do that with you now. I realize that telling my truth about why I do what I do will only help. It will help others who lived like I did and it will help others who judge to think twice before they do. There is a scripture in the Bible that says (I'm paraphrasing here people) that the devil loves a good secret. That the secret-keeping keeps us in bondage and when we put light onto the secret and tell it, we are set free.

Back in the day, God was there with me as a child. He was comforting me before I even knew who He was. Somehow His message was obscured to me all through my childhood and up until my 40th year, but the fact that I remember that small voice in my heart is why I am writing to you today. I have a message and I have a story and I have a way to help others.

If you really knew me, you'd know that........

The first time I was sexually molested, I was 3 years old. The last time I was sexually molested I was 13 years old. The 10 year time span in between was molestation on about and every third to fourth day ratio. So, if you were sitting with me on the bus, chances are while you were sleeping soundly the night before, I was coming to school with a totally different experience.

The first time I was locked in the basement for being bad, I was about 9 years old. It was the basement of a house built in the 1920's and my mom told me one night after using her Ouija Board that it was built on an Indian grave site and that the house was filled with haunted spirits. I could not see the spirits for sure, but I could see the spiders and other crawlies as I stood on the wooden steps and smelled the must of the unlit basement.

The first time I was told I had a cute dimple on my upper cheek, I said "thanks" on the outside, but on the inside I remembered the day I got back-handed so hard, it split my skin.

Whew! I said it. It is out there. ummmmm the sun is still out and I have not been struck by lightning. I am a little teary-eyed and a little scared, but I feel like I always have; like I can help.

I could go on and on about the details of my childhood experience and over the course of time, I will share specific situations that impacted me and how they made me who I am, but the most important part of this blog message today is this:

When I was an un-educated Christian I thought with all that I was that God chose me as a sacrifice. I believed for over 30 years that God chose me to be hurt, violated and abused because I was somehow a sacrifice. If you are a legalistic Christian you know about the curses put on generations by God in scripture. I truly believed that I was in some lineage of cursed people that God had damned. It was the only thing I could believe that made sense. I could not believe that a loving God could allow a child to be brutalized unless the child were worthless. I lived wanting a piece of this loving God I heard about, but I felt obviously did not want a piece of me.

Now I know different.

For years I was compelled to help others. I was amazed at my resiliency in life considering my upbringing. I was amazed at my intelligence as compared to what my DNA dictated it should be. I was amazed that I did not grow into a sexually dysfunctional adult after 10 years of constant abuse. I thought I did that for myself. One time in my late teens, my mother actually took the credit saying she "allowed" all of it to happen to make me be the strong person I was becoming. Seriously?

The point is, and this post seems to be dragging on far too long, is that I needed to believe that I made my survival happen because that meant I was in control of my outcome. I needed to believe that I could determine my response to me entire childhood and rise above it. I did not need parents, teachers, friends, or God. I could love me and I could control what I allowed in my existence.

This past winter, I was saved. I was born again and the moment it happened everything about my life and all I have lived clicked. It was like leggo's snapping into place. For years I had been helping others rise above their circumstances and telling them they could be, do and have anything they wanted if they just learned some easy steps. I had risen above the veiled issues I spoke about and if I could, they could.

Well, if you really knew me you'd know that I believe with all my heart and I know like I know like I know that God was with me all this time. He began when I was small and knew nothing of Him telling me I was not of this world of abuse, pain and hurt. He told me I would be from it. When I thought with the wisdom of a grade schooler that God sacrificed me, He stayed there giving me grace and resilience and keeping me from going mad or worse. When I was scared, He gave me books to read to teach me about how life could be. When I was lost and alone He kept trying to meet me where I was and put people into my life that could guide me to Him. Finally after many years, He put the perfect man into my path and used that man to witness to me God's true love and true messages.

When I was saved, I asked God to use me in a big way. I always knew that I had a message and I knew that I had a gift of talking. I always say I was punished as a child for talking too much and now I get paid to do it. He has worked on me this past year about being obedient and keeping secrets and walking in fear of condemnation. This post is my shedding of all those things.

It started over 60 days ago when I was living in fear of being exposed as someone who loves someone people are condemning. Turns out my closest friend made that happen. When I had to face my worst fear I learned that the sun rose and life moved forward and I actually felt relieved. It has been all down-hill since then.

God is using me in a big way and if He can use me, He can use each and every one of us. He wants to use you. Be strong and bold. Telling your secrets can save someone and that makes it all worth while.

I spent years convincing myself that being molested, emotionally and physically abused did not define me. I was right and I was wrong. The events led to thoughts, feelings and actions but God defined me. he gave me the wits, the grace and the ability to turn that mess into a message and I plan to shout from the blog spot and where ever He sends me the message of His love and how He did not sacrifice me He chose me to be one of His messengers.

Peace and Light~

Its A New Day and A New Message

2010-09-28T12:28:00.000-07:00

With one phone call my life changed today. Well, it wasn't just the phone call. It was a change that I made recently, that, with one phone call, solidified my decision to write.

I am amazed that one phone call could make me get down on my knees and thank God that I know, like I know, like I know that He is good, He sees me and He has my best interest at heart.

sooooooo, when I have a moment of uninterrupted time, I am going to begin to tell you a story that perhaps can help you or someone you know. It is my story. the story that very few have ever known. A story that makes me who I am and makes me who God needed me to be in order to help Him.

It may make you queasy. I may make you uneasy and it may make you stop and think about how you treat people in the future as well as consider how you have treated them in the past.

Got your attention?

Peace and Light and pleasant phone calls to you all~

Decisions, decisions........

2010-08-19T11:08:00.000-07:00

twenty four hours ago, I was reading a nice email from a woman who put on a magnificent event last weekend that my daughter and I participated in I wrote a column of gratitude for being a part of the event. About Thirty hours ago, the hate began.

It started with someone I know well taking issue with a portion of my column. Her interpretation was that I was bragging about my great fortune and over-dressed daughter and that I should be "ashamed" of myself. It also went on to state that I slapped the faces of all the people who were participating in the event.

It did not take long for a litany, last counted 54, comments in support of she and in support of me. I could not read the comments, because they made my physically ill. As the night progressed, my children became aware of what was happening and it opened up dialogue between us. Apparently, her family was well involved as well. the love of my daughters who reminded me of who I am and how I should behave was a gift in and of itself.

The issue went from her, and later other people's, misinterpretations about my meaning to personally attacking my life. My finances, my relationships and my worthiness to write for the paper. Along the way, she became personally attacked as well as evident by her repeated posts defending her character and constitutional right to a voiced opinion.

My heart breaks for her. I have had many negative comments about my work over the years. It hurts when people misinterpret what you say. I know she felt that people misinterpreted her. No one sets out to intentionally alienate themselves in writing. If they do, they are seeking the negative publicity out of one of two reasons: 1. They have an illness and do not know better or 2. they know that all forms of publicity are good and they want to shake up the world. I doubt she falls under either category, so I can only imagine that she simply wanted to put me in check for her interpretation of my column and perhaps see if others might agree. Some did, some did not.

My daughter got to see me cry last night. She hadn't seen that in a long time. I am not sure what the goal of all the hate was about me, but if that was the goal, then GOOOOOAAAAAALLLLL! I never regretted what I wrote in the column. I actually have someone who proofs the column to make sure it sounds non-threatening. I guess we both missed the mark.

The funny thing is that the person who posted about me initially, really knows personally what most of my readers who pay attention know. I am nearly unemployed, I am not wealthy and I am struggling. All of my comments about that in the column were lost. My point was that my daughter was dressed in the manner she likes. She dresses herself at this point in life. My point was her seeing the difference in situations. Believe me, she has given up a lot in life, since her father and I divorced, down sizing and all of the associated issues. She has learned to sacrifice and this was one more layer of her understanding about how fragile and fickle life is as she helped out last weekend. I realize now that I should have spent more time articulating this point. I also figured that the people reading remembered that I am a child who has lived on her own since I was 17, put myself through college and all that hard-working stuff. I certainly know that she knew all of that.

When someone faces such a huge amount of hate, it is interesting what options present themselves. I have often times thought that it is hard to be a writer. It is hard to write about your life and put yourself out there. Then you meet someone and they tell you how you inspired them or how they felt they can relate to you. Who has more credibility? The one who says you suck or the one who says you matter? Who touches the true essence of who you are? Are you a failure because life has happened to you and you survived or are you a winner because you learned, grew and made your mess your message?

I make no bones about the fact that I am recently born again. I am not ashamed of myself other than wishing I had believed in God's promises sooner. One of the things I learned early on in the process is that when you change teams, the enemy comes at you with all forms of evil, even using other people to do his work. The good news is that God uses other people too. He used Heidi to give me this scripture:"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Gal. 6:9 He used Janis to listen to me and share her interpretations. He used about a gazillion friends on facebook to remind me that they enjoy what I write. He used my children to remind me that they love me and support me.

Decisions, decisions, I have a lot to consider. Should I stop writing for the paper? There is no telling to what extent someone can go to rally others to hate. Do I have the strength to withstand whatever may be said or commented from this point forward? I don't know. What I do know is this:

In the last few months, I have made wonderful friends. Friends whose children died. I have made new friendships where there once was pain. Friends who apologized for being mean. I have made new friendships where once there was none. Friends who know the word of God and remind me of it when I am battered and bruised. I have revived friendships where once there was distance. Friends who make a point to make sure I am OK.

I have no anger for the person who stated their opinions of me. I could write a you matter column about her now. You matter because you are a good mother, daughter and wife. You matter because you are passionate about what you believe as evident by your many posts defending your right to take issue with me. You matter because I believe that people are basically good and that we may never know the issues they face. You matter because I have fond memories that override the current ones.

Decisions, decisions, Last night I thought my decision was whether or not to write for the newspaper anymore. Let's face it, I am not getting rich from it and I certainly am not becoming famous in the way one hopes to.

Today, I realized that this decision is much more important: The decision is whether I believe in who God says I am or if I allow myself to believe the negative. The decision is whether to log on to Topix or to go about my day being productive. The decision is to sit and fester or to put on my big girl britches and be the change I want to see in the world. the decision is whether I believe the negative or the positive. Everything in life just "is" until I attach a meaning to it. All the comments are feedback not a sentence or acquittal. I write for myself. I write because I think I can help. I write because I believe it is why God put me here.

It's my blog and I will blog if I want to.

Peace, light, forgiveness, and good decision making to you all~

Ninja Sista's

2010-08-18T10:28:00.000-07:00

I'm a Ninja. I use Ninja Punches and Ninja chops and other specialized Ninja moves. I have a secret Ninja language and I go on special Ninja missions.

I am not sure how the Ninja thing started, but some of my friends and I started referencing being some form of a Ninja as a show of solidarity and support for one another. It is a heart warming way that we set ourselves aside as a gang or a group of women who are Ninja Sista's.

I am pretty sure that the Ninja Sista's were born from a Facebook comment where someone was having a bad day. One of us, it may have been me or any one else, offered to go Ninja on someone should the need support their cause. It became quite popular and has grown into a pretty cool support group.

I consider myself a black Ninja, only because black is the most slimming of colors. One daughter of a Ninja tried to be a part of the group, but alas, one of the requirements is to be at least 40 and a litany of other Ninja rules that are yet to be determined.

The point is that the Ninja Sista's are a group of women who are there for one another. They vent to one another, they support one another. It may sound corny, but it feels good to belong, even at forty-something. It feels good that you can call on a Ninja Sista when you need your garbage can put back while you are out of town. To keep an eye out for you kids as they do what ever it is they do when they are not in your eye sight. A Ninja Sista is only a text away to discuss any issue. Ninja Sista's share their wine, their food and their pools.

All of us need a network of people who we can laugh with, cry with, and plot the destruction of evil-doers. If you don't have a group, go out and getcha one.

Ninja CHOP!

Who is more worthy?

2010-08-17T09:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had an interesting encounter. As I went to the station to get gas I saw a young, thin girl sitting with a sign asking for whatever I could spare. This is nothing new and certainly commonplace in America today.

I grabbed a twenty and a five and headed into the station to pay for my gas. Twenty was my weeks allotment for gas. As many of you know, I am in between full-time positions at work and minding my money is a full-time job in and of itself.

I paid the clerk, handed her a bill and walked out to the young, thin girl on the curb and gave her the other bill. She was gracious and I asked her what her story was. Her story was that she followed a boy out here from Montana and he dumped her and here she was far from home. I told her that God has helped me and so have many of my friends and that I wished her well. She was polite and thankful.

I went to the pump and began to get gas. Suddenly the pump stopped at 5.00. Oh No! I had given the clerk the five and the girl the twenty. I panicked as I realized I would barely have enough gas to get home, let alone to work and back the rest of the week. Then I realized that the person who needed the money most had it in her hand.

I like to post of Facebook and so I told my story. Here is an email I received: hi,i read your message,,,,,stop an think bout this,,,if you stood in the spot that gal stood,,parked your car round the corner,tossed some dirt on your clothes,get a sob story going,i wonder how much mony you would make at that time of day??? im a road driver,,,,i see this crap all the time,,,,they pray on your good nature,,,,,,the trick i play to em back to sort the ones in need out is offer to buy em a meal,,,,,9 times out of 10 they will decline,,,but there is those that will accept,,,,those are the ones that are to proud to beg,,,,,,,those that lie to you will steal from you,a liar an a thief walks hand in hand,,,they are the same person,,,carefull who you open your wallet in front of,,ill bet there was a 2nd one in the bush that you did not see

Here is what I replied: I know that, I have been a social worker for 15 years. It is more than that. It is about giving what you really don't have to give. It is about something bigger than you. I have seen many scams in my day and I surely thought that this may be one too, but I really don't care. I believe that when we give of ourselves, money, time, things, it comes back to us ten fold.
We will never know if the person is a scammer, but the test is about our willingness to serve others, not their worthiness to receive it. I believe the one watching from the bushes may have been Jesus and that is what motivates me. :)

What motivates you to give, to help, the look beyond judgment. I have a plank-filled eye and I can barely see clearly most days. Don't let stereotyping keep you from helping.

Peace and Light and worthiness to you all~

Real Cheese Comes From California

2010-08-16T20:25:00.000-07:00

I've been gone. I went on a hiatus. I retreated. I needed to get my head back on straight. I needed to figure a few things out, but now I am back.

Sometimes life throws so much at us that nothing seems fun. Nothing seems easy and nothing seems to matter. Lifecoach say what?

I have been offline from writing, not because I haven't had enough material. Oh contrare. (sp?) I have had enough material to overwhelm you in the same fashion I have been overwhelmed. Consider yourself loved so much that I have spared you the task of reading my angst. Perhaps you have missed me talk about all that is Faydra and all that is the sunny side of life's potential pitfalls. learning as I make mistakes so you have something to reference when you face similar challenges. Perhaps you have breathed the fresh air caused by the void of my posts. Well, guess what? You can't keep a good blogger down.

Much of my life's experiences are every day challenges that are not unlike your own. My cheesy life is not that far off from yours. I am divorced, I have kids who are not always grateful, my house gets dirty, my body expands and contracts proportionately to the crap to health-food ratio I put into it, my finances are affected in direct proportion to the sales at the mall and my ability to resist undue pressure from the MAC counter sales girl. I am a lot like you. I have to cover my gray, I have to chose to be productive and I into my life a little rain does fall.

So, where have I been? Well, I have been in my cave. I have been in a cocoon trying to metamorphasize into something with fewer legs and pretty wings. I have been growing and changing. One of my favorite quotes of all time does not come from a prominent elder who nobly stated the obvious. My favorite quote comes from Optimus Prime of the Transformers "Fate rarely calls upon us at a time of our choosing." I really love this quote of all the quotes I know, even the ones I created.

When we decide that we want to be of use in this world. When we ask God to use us for His will, I do not think we are honestly realizing what we are asking for. We do not realize at the time that God is going to take us up on our offer and there is no take backs. When we ask God to use us, we are also making the implied agreement that we will accept whatever assignment He gives us. That, my blog reading friends is often times waaaaaaayyyyy more than we bargained for.

We all have our limitations and when we recognize what they are, we are one step closer to being our best selves. When we ask to be of service to others, we are in essence asking to be changed and used in a different form. Kinda like turning milk into cheese. It has to be churned and processed and aged to perfection before someone wants to slap it on their salami sandwich.

God has done a work in me the last year that has not been as noticeable to me as it has been to others. Tonight I had a great conversation with a woman I really admire and don't know that well. She told me something about myself that I have been hearing over and over again. She said that the quality of my writing and the depth of my message has gotten better.

Sometimes changes in ourselves are too close to home to see. It is like raising your baby and not seeing the change because you are with your baby every day. Then you see someone and they freak out at how much your baby has changed and grown.

Perhaps it is true that my writing has deepened. More likely, I have just matured and listened to the Holy Spirit as God has worked on me so He can work through me. I have shed bad habits. I have let go of poisonous issues in my life and I have learned to let others hate me and still feel good about me. I have let the right people into my life and let the wrong ones out. I have given more though I have less and I have learned to thrive where there is no natural resources to sustain me.

I am the cheese. Sometimes the cheese stands alone. Sometimes people move my cheese. All I know is that real cheese comes from California.

A Test Of My Compassion

2010-07-25T14:09:00.000-07:00

A few moments ago, I was angry, adrenaline pumped and flooded with a litany of emotions rivaled only by the Hulk in a moment of "you wouldn't like me when I am angry."

Scene~

Before I tell you what happened, lets pretend this is one of those stories that starts with the ending and then goes back and fills you in about the details.

Scene One: This morning~ On my way home from Church at Neighborhood Church I was struck with a thought~ If revenge is best served cold, how should one serve up compassion? I posted it on facebook because that is what I do and I got a litany of answers that were as cute as the people who posted them. The point was it got people thinking.

Scene Two: My kitchen and my finances. So, as you know I am in between jobs at the moment and to say that I am feeling the stress would again be a statement akin to saying Obama is stressed about ocean hygiene right about now. I have not been cooking a lot lately and the mommy guilt of not making full on dinner has been getting to me. This morning as I lay in bed, I remembered this yummy soup recipe I have for sausage and fresh corn chowder. I decided to see how good I can be at saving money so I decided to go to the Grocery Outlet and buy the ingredients.

Before I went, I decided to look through my cupboards and make sure I did not already have some of the ingredients in there. What I discovered was a lot of things I had not looked for, nor would I use in the near future and it occurred to me to bag the items up and take them to the woman's shelter down the street. I am not talking about crappy odds and ends like a jar of sauerkraut or a can of hominy. I am talking Kool-aid, Jell-O, Spaghettio's and other kid friendly items. These moms all have young kiddo's and that sort of thing is a blessing.

On the way to the store, two things happened. One, I remembered that I did something I rarely do, I bought a lottery ticket. As my car passed over Antelope to the Shell station, I said a prayer to God reminding Him that as a committed tither, wouldn't it be great to be able to give away 10% of the super lotto money. Well, I won 1.00 on last nights millions. "Praise be to God, I am a money magnet." I learned that from T. Harve Ecker so I bought another ticket in hopes that my money will come to me like flies to fly paper.

On the freeway headed to the store, I started to talk myself out of going there. I told myself that there wouldn't be the products I needed, that I would have to go to two stores and it would end up being more trouble than it was worth. My self said that the only way to find out if it is worth it is to go and see.

Scene Three: So I went, recipe book in hand and started piecing together my soup fixin's. Most of what I needed was there, minus two things, aggggghhhhh BUT, I saved over 9.00 on my bill. so "Praise be to God, I am a money savin' machine."

Scene Four: As I walk out to my car, I pass a van parked next to me. I hear the voices of children. I look inside and see a car seat with a toddler and three bigger, yet certainly not teens across the back.

My mind started racing. I started having flashbacks to my childhood. When I was a little girl, that same location was the major super market in town. My parents used to take my brother and I into town on hot summer days and leave us in the car while they shopped. It is highly likely that all these years later, these children were parked in the same spot I had sat in, sweat dripping willing myself to fall asleep to get away from the reality of it.

I paced, I snapped a picture of the license plate. In the dust of the dirty back window is said "going camping." I walked back into the store wanting to tell someone. I wanted to call 911 and get someone. How could it be, all these years later, that mom's and dad's were still doing such foolish things. We have awareness campaigns, we have concerned citizens, we have CPS!

I literally did not know what to do. All the emotions of being a neglected and under loved kid washed over me. I felt all my rage well up as I got in the car trying to decide what I would do about this whole mess. As I looked over, the mother was back. I rolled down my window just in time to hear her yell at the kids "blah, blah, blah, don't you want to go swimming?"

Before I knew it I was confronting her. I told her that leaving her kids in the car was not safe. I told her that when I was a child my mother did the same thing to me in this same parking lot and to this day it has affected me. She started with the pat answer, "I just ran inside" I snarked back and her with my razor tongue about how in this day and age that is totally unacceptable. I was shaking. I was fighting about a 35 year old fight. The one I wish someone had fought for me, although truth be told, I would have never known I deserved someone sticking up for me.

All of a sudden, I was swept by the statement that had come to me on the way home from church.... How does one best serve up compassion. My heart softened. I told that mom I knew she did not mean to harm her children. I knew that she wanted the best for them. She started apologizing profusely, telling me she would never do it again and that she knew I was right. We parted with smiles and blessings and I went on my way to my second store to buy what I thought wouldn't be at Grocery Outlet.

Life comes at us in bits and pieces. My childhood and my past hurts are one of the reasons I lean on God. He puts thoughts into my head through the Holy Spirit. Without Him I would not have thought about how to serve up some compassion.

If I wasn't without a job and needing to save money, I would have never gone to that store.

If I had not been at that store with my serving of compassion, I would not have had the opportunity to witness to that mother the importance of her children's safety, given with a dose of compassion making my anger about my childhood little more relieved.

Peace and Light and child safety to you all~

Who Do You Think I Am?

2010-07-21T15:28:00.000-07:00

I read a poem today posted on a facebook page that was written by a concentration camp prisoner. The title was Who Am I? The crux of the poem was the mans inner struggle with who he thought he was as compared to who his captives told him he was.

Today I wrote a column highlighting my new friends Jennifer Botell and Suzanne Schoelen in the Red Bluff Daily News. Right away my stalker hater posted her snarky remark. The combination of the poem and the remark got me thinking and we all know what happens when I get to thinking........

Who are we? I mean who am I?

If everything in life just "is" until we attach meaning to it, doesn't that mean that we are all just beings until someone attaches meaning to us?

When deciding our value, what measurement do we use to determine our worth. I love the line from the Epic cult favorite A Knight's Tale "You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanten."

If we base our worth on the value scale designed by others, we will never consistently measure up; one persons expectations will never match another's. So who am I?

Am I the person my children think I am? Am I the person by employer thinks I am? Am I the person my critics think I am? Am I the person my fans think I am? Am I the person I think I am?

I am the person God knows I am. That is who I am and all I ever want to be. This is the gift of the cross. It does not matter who anyone thinks I am. It is written who I am and who you are and to worry one moment about who anyone else says we are is a waste of time we could be spending being a blessing.

I know who I am. I am the Beloved.

God's messenger

2010-06-25T08:22:00.000-07:00

An email I sent to the community-life pastor at my church:

So, I am sure you have had this type of experience and I wanted to share it with someone who understands, I appreciate having someone to tell......

Since realizing that I have and can benefit from my personal relationship with Christ, I took a bold step forward to declare my ministry through my work and especially my news column. Last week I wrote this column: http://www.redbluffdailynews.com/opinion/ci_15357773 It really wasn't hard because I want to share with the world all things fab about Christ.

The interesting thing is that as the column stated, only one business was written about. I always thought it was weird when God said to write about a frosty stand, but obedience is my new mantra. So, anyway, yesterday I went to the stand and placed my order: 32 oz iced tea with x-tra ice. The owner of the stand came up and started crying and thanking me for the column. Of course I said thanks and secretly wondered why I still pay for my .96 tea after making their stand famous, lol :) and she said to me, No, you don't understand, My husband was saved on June 8 and what you said about God wanting him to know that He loves him was the support that he needed at just the right time.

awwwwww~ God is good and it feels so good to be his messenger.......... Jim, we have cool assignments in life, I feel honored and blessed.......

Faydra A. Rector, MA
Certified Life Coach
530.200.2745

Faydra On The Radio

2010-06-22T08:45:00.000-07:00

I was walking with a friend yesterday. Power walking, not walking from my car to Sonic, silly, we drive up at Sonic, geesh.....

Anyway, we were talking about empty nest and my crazy job situation and the fact that when we were 19 we had the world in front of us and no limitations and how we were too stupid or boy crazy to see the opportunities available.

Well my life isn't all that different now than it was at 19 except I have a masters degree and a lot of years of work and life experience and boys are over rated at this point.

All night long, it kept gnawing at me that I have always wanted to be in radio. At one point I spoke with a local radio station owner who heard my CD and thought I could manage a talk show. It was all about sponsorships and advertising. At the time I was working three jobs and it seemed like a lot to add to my plate.

But now.........

Now, I can do it. BUT~would people listen? What would my shtick be? How would I get funding? hmmmmmmmm

something to think about. I have a friend who is a DJ on a popular station out of Redding and I have done some voice work with him before. I called and got intern info from him today.

I called the radio station owner today and while he is currently on the air, they were glad to hear from me.........

Maybe this it the next chapter in my life................................

To play it safe, I also applied to a position for an Executive Director/Administrator for a program. Same thing I have been doing, but still a doable situation.........

Confessions of a Garbage Lady?

2010-06-20T20:17:00.000-07:00

Okay, so let me go back and explain where this all started. It is a crazy story that I am still trying to piece together and any insight from you would be highly appreciated.

Last fall, I had a serious God experience. I closed my eyes and asked God for help and when I opened my eyes, I was literally a changed person. Seriously.

Well, since that time a lot of weird things have happened to me. Some good, some scary, some weird and I believe all of them important.

So, here I am writing this book about weight loss and blogging about my experience. One of the ways that I get exercise is that I run. If you read the blog this piece of information is obvious, redundant and probably annoying. Well, I do not run on a treadmill, I run outdoors.

When I asked God to help me navigate this thing called life, He has used some pretty funky things to get my attention. I liken my experience to putting lego's together, you know how they just come together with a satisfying "click."

Okay, so I feel like I am rambling here, but you need the back story people.....

One of the ways that the lego's click is that I am compelled to do something and when I do it, something good usually happens. I have had a lot of compelling moments and they all began when I agreed to put everything I had on the altar for God to take away or do with what He wanted in order for me to be the best me I could.

I let go of my home, my car, lots of my things, my old habits, my anger and my resentment and I really didn't think I had much left, but it turns out I do.

You see, one of my lingering issues was resisting authority. From where I came from in life, I did not want, need or appreciate anyone telling me what to do. I was the captain of my own body, my mind, and my life. So, when I decided to give up anything I was asked to do, control was on God's list.

Enter the garbage. One day when I was running, I got the sense that I was supposed to pick up this trash that I kept seeing on the ground. EWWWWW. Really not that bad because most of the trash on a running route is basically sun-dried, old, nasty paper or cups or the occasional paper bag-covered tall boy beer can. So, here I am running and filling my pockets with bits of paper and such and taking it back to my house and properly disposing of it. Not such a bad chore........

Well, one day I was in the parking lot of the local Safeway and I saw a bag stuffed and lying on the ground, so I picked it up and planned to throw it away. All of a sudden I realize the bad was full of VOMIT!!!! So, here I am a child of God walking up to the Safeway with my bag-O-vomit! thanks be to God.

Then, last week I am running at the hills and I take the long steep driveway at the peak of my run and what do I see? Two large bags full of garbage! Seriously? I looked within to see if God actually meant for me to pick them up and carry them the mile back to my car, my new car, the one with new car smell and nothing grody in it. He said yes.....

So, here I am sweating, walking down the road with two hefty bags full of God-knows-What wondering what is the point???? then I saw one of the people who live in the neighborhood and asked him if he would throw away the bags. He seemed pretty stoked because they were "recyclables." ummmm Okay...You are living in a 600k house and jazzed about some Boones Farm bottles and Keystone Light cans........

So, now you see my new lot in life. I run and I am drawn to the garbage. I am compelled to pick the crap up that jerks throw out of their cars. So, what do you think? What is the significance?

I thought to myself. life coaching is a lot like picking up garbage. I help people pick up the trash in their lives and put it where it belongs. I help them assess what should go into the recycle bin and make their lives cleaner and their landscape prettier to look at.

I thought to myself that since my full-time job collapsed and I am facing looking for work in this economy, God is showing me that I am not beneath any job. I do not relish the idea of being a garbage lady, but there has to be something to it. Is it the obedience factor? What is the metaphore?

Most recently, I decided that one day I am going to pick up what looks to be a piece of trash and find a $1000.00 bill and that will be the reward for picking up vomit and Boones Farm. I mean a vomit covered bill is still worth its face value.

Peace and Light and DO NOT LITTER For My Sake To You All~

How do you manage ex-stress?

2010-06-17T16:24:00.000-07:00

I am pretty sure I am not made of scratchy rope material and when I looked in the mirror I did not see the words "walk on me'' embedded on my forehead; however, somehow it appears that I am a doormat.

I used to write more about my thoughts about my divorce and the difficulties I faced having an ex, being an ex and trying to keep my sanity with both. Then, over time I felt like it was only seen as a beard I used to take jabs at my ex and the juice wasn't worth the squeeze so to speak and I let that stinky dog lie.

The problem with not having an outlet to vent anger, frustration and pain is that it becomes internalized on your thighs and on your back. Keeping it all in becomes a self mutilation in the form of large milkshakes, boxes of Girl Scout Cookies and Jumbo Jacks with Cheese. Though you don't realize it, when you stuff your legitimate feelings in the guise of "taking the higher road" you find yourself stuffing the same hole that could be helping you cope. You choke down your thoughts and words of frustration with Rolos and RC colas. You find yourself in the Taco Bell drive through ordering the number 9 with a diet coke.

It isn't good to pent up your legitimate feelings. It isn't good to be Ms. Nice Person all the time. I know for a fact that many of you who are battling weight are actually battling anger and oppression issues. If you can't say what you really feel, if you feel as though you can't ever win, if you see yourself as a victim to the whims of others you are not going to feel in control. One thing you can control is what you put in your mouth.

If your ex gives you crap and you feel you have no recourse, you know that candy bar won't talk back. As a matter of fact, it says really sweet things to you. It says, I am good he is bad. I will make you feel better, he won't. EAT ME!!!!! Oh the smoothness of the chocolate and the yumminess of the caramel on your tongue. It tastes better in that moment than the kiss you had on your wedding day.

In the battle to lose weight between your ears and see the resulting weight loss from your ass, you have to be real about your feelings. You have to stand up and say, Don't tread on me a** Hole. I am not your Biatch and you can't decide how it is going to be all the time. Or some equivalent statement that fits your circumstance.

I am seething and yeah, I'm blogging about my upset. What of it? I am not sitting in front of the open fridge with a can of whipped cream squirting in my mouth. I am not in front of the frosty stand ordering a double burger and fries. I am sitting here, venting. I am sitting here planning to go run when I am done venting. I am taking the better road. I am being real, honest and in the moment. In this moment, boys suck, being an ex sucks and life sucks.

The cool thing about anger is that the chemicals released in your body help you cope. Once you vent, you cool down and it all becomes better.

The crap thing about stuffing your feelings and binging on food to feel better is that fat applies itself to your thighs, arms and butt and then you not only have the anger of being mad, but the self loathing of feeling fat and having to work even harder to work off the food. Who wants that?!

Be true to you. Say what you feel. Journal, blog, call a friend, drive your car with loud music and scream. Do something to validate your feelings and let it all out.........

What does Crap look like?

2010-06-15T18:26:00.000-07:00

Today I feel like crap. That is actually what I wanted to call this post. "I feel like crap" I actually google imaged the word crap in hopes of finding a nice representation of how I feel for my post. All I got were images of, well, crap. Not a great visual.

"What are you looking at?" That is what I want to say to people today. I was just looking at pictures of poop and it was not what I was looking for. What does feeling like crap look like? It feels lonely, it feels sad it. It feels depressed and it feels fat. It feels like you have no energy and no interest in anything at all, but what does it look like?

It can look like your best friend, your doctor, your coach, your police officer, your banker or your Realtor. Get it, we all feel like crap from time to time.

So, as far as eating is concerned, I have zero energy to go get food, go make food or otherwise engage in food activities. I have noshed on some cookies my daughter made and now am interested in some milk; however, that would require getting a glass from a cupboard and walking to the fridge for some milk and frankly that is more than I am willing to commit to at this point.

Birds are chirping outside and someone, somewhere is exercising with an iPod and I think they suck right now. I hope the bird poops on their head and they feel like crap too.

Ever have one of those days when you wake up and for an instant think to yourself, all that is on your mind was part of some twisted dream you had like that whole season of Dallas when everyone thought Bobby was dead? Well, that is how I woke up this morning and damn it if I didn't find out that my life, in fact, did suck to the degree of a bad nightmare.

Depression is a biatch. It doesn't want you to feel good and that is bad. It takes time to waller in your self-pity and stew in your juices. It is a Prozac or Jesus kind of day or is it actually a Carona or Venti green iced tea, no sweetener, light water kind of day.

Note to Faydra: No matter who you are, you will face adversity. You are not alone. Maybe in circumstance, but not in humanity. the fog will lift, the sun will rise and crap dries up on the lawn and becomes fertilizer that grows fresh green grass with which you can crinkle your toes and make yourself feel better.

Peace and Light and a crap-free evening to you all~

Pocket Full Of Rocks

2010-06-15T11:21:00.000-07:00

Virginia Woolf was a depressed writer who filled her pockets with rocks before walking into the river to commit suicide. I have often related to Virginia other than the fact that I have a better nose. I understand when people tell you that you write well, but you feel unwell.

When I started working with Jill Becker at Body Projex she and I took a run to the top of Hogsback one day. Hogsback is a total ascent into the foothills just adjacent to the small town I live in. It is about a one mile incline into BLM land that is all dirt and rocks. At one point Jill asked me to pick up a rock and when I go home to write something on it.

When I got home, I wrote the date: 3-25-10 and the word BELIEVE. around the rock I wrote: what others mean for harm He uses for good.

I have gathered three rocks since that time. One dated 5-23-10 says forgive and has the names Joy, Rachel, Jessica and Jim. I forgave and was forgiven that day.

The other day I added one more: Worthy picked up on a run at the hills on 6-12-10.

I am making a rock pile in my room that is next to my vision mirror that has important things that matter to me.

If you see me with a pocket full of rocks, don't worry if I am near the water, I intend to win this battle and have a meaningful life.

Peace and Light and Rock Hunting to you all~

What do you want?

2010-06-12T22:31:00.000-07:00

What I wanted: Burrito bowl with black beans, chicken, fresh corn salsa and fresh tomato salsa, cheese, sour cream and guacamole (no I do not mind the 1.65 extra) with a side of cilantro and lime.

What I had: Two chicken soft tacos with fresh tomato and corn salsa only.

All the Yum, none of the guilt.

You can go out. you can have discipline. you can live life when you are losing or maintaining weight.

It is about moderation people. No one wants to believe it. They want it all or nothing. I just want the back fat off my body. Compromise is part of the bargain.

Peace and Light and eat some chicken~

Jesus and Prozac

2010-06-12T12:55:00.001-07:00

I have been in the mental health field my whole career. I have seen a lot of seriously depressed people and Prozac is an often used drug given to alleviate the symptoms of depression. I have seen significantly debilitated people who have benefited from medication. I have also seen people who would have benefited from looking inward and solving the roots of their depression and they would have been able to get along in their life without the Rx.

When I was running today trying to rid myself of the guilt of Sarah's amazing yet, no-way-on-this-planet-is-it-healthy- artichoke dip and two very yummy blueberry vodka lemonades, I realized that Jesus and Prozac have a lot in common.

I have had one hell of a year. Not a calendar year, the time between last May and today. Whew, a hell of a year. I have lost a lot, gained a lot, given a lot, have had a lot taken, found friends, lost friends, been happy, been sad and yes, even depressed.

That is the reason that I put on the 20 pounds I have just about lost. I let my life's depressions get the best of me.

People who are depressed and have a modicum of self-awareness know that they are not happy, they have no drive for life. They see that their thinking is not clear, they are helpless, hopeless and have no direction. They feel lost in life and they have enough of the real them still trying to get out to know they need help so they see the physician and ask for assistance.

I have been depressed. Rightfully so. I have a modicum of self-awareness and know that this unhappiness has taken a toll on my drive for life, I have had fuzzy thinking, I often times feel helpless, hopeless and have no direction, I have felt lost in life, but I have enough of the real me still trying to get out to know that I need help so I went to Jesus to ask for assistance.

People who see their physician are often times given a prescription for Prozac or other anti-depressants to assist them in lifting the weight off of their shoulders. Prozac can help people who worry too much, worry less. Prozac can help lift the fog of depression and balance the serotonin in your mind and allow some light and happiness to creep back into the darkness.

People who seek Jesus are given the prescription for the Holy Spirit to assist them in lifting the weight off of their shoulders. Jesus can help people who worry too much, worry less, by taking their worries to God. Jesus can help lift the fog of depression and balance your mind and allow light and happiness to cancel out the darkness.

As I reflected on my life the last six months, I recognized a significant similarity to Jesus and Prozac. A dangerous one.

When people take anti-depressants, they can increase their risk for suicide. There is something about lifting the fog of depression that gives otherwise sedentary people enough energy to carry out suicide rather than just think about it. What was once just a desire to go to sleep and never wake up, actually becomes a plan and sometimes has drastic results.

For me, sometimes having Jesus in my life in this new way made me suicidal. Once you know that you know that you know that God is real, is eternal and that heaven is a glorious place where there is no more pain, no debt, no hate, no condemnation, you start thinking (OK, I started thinking) that gig sounds way better than this one here. From the utilitarian approach you split the paper down the middle and you weight the pros and cons.

Here: depressed, no full-time job, kids growing and moving on, TWENTY POUNDS OVERWEIGHT, condemnation, uncertainty, blah, blah, blah.....

Heaven: EVERY POSSIBLE GREAT THING YOU CAN IMAGINE.........

So, just as Prozac can help you and hurt you all at the same time, so was my thinking about Jesus. I started thinking maybe I have done all I can here and now that I am excited about salvation, I am ready to just be there and be done with all this hard crap here that requires so much more than I think I can handle........

Problem was I didn't want to be dead. I just wanted the absence of pain, hate, problems, and wanted something to be happy about that was more than what life had become.

But seriously, isn't that what we all want? Don't all of us have a plate full of crap that we think we can't handle. Don't we all have issues that need tissues. I am no more alone on this earth with my problems than I am in my spirit.

The key to Prozac is to talk to your doctor about your symptoms and seek counsel. Over time, the medication evens out your mood and your thoughts and you lose the negative side effects.

They key to Jesus is to talk to Him about your symptoms and seek His counsel. Over time He evens out your mood and your thoughts and you lose the negative side effects of life.

I have really gotten to know God over the last six months. I feel that the Holy Spirit has always used me to teach about cope, success and how to be, do and have things in our life. Even before I was giving the credit where it was due. I see clearly that my story is a part of His plan to show others His love. My crazy life has PURPOSE!!!! so does yours!!!!! Yaay for us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God has told me that the last six months have been necessary for Him to have my undivided attention. I mean, I know me. If I had stayed working three jobs, running around like a manic person, I would not have sought Him, dug deep and listened to what He had to say. I would have been trying to make life happen instead of letting it happen in a much better way. If my finances had stayed stable, I would have been carrying on through life spending and earning and not tithing or worrying about ways I can use my money in ways other than self-service. If my kids were home all the time, I would never have thought about ways to be helpful to others or to find ways to seek a bigger picture than my family nucleus.

So, if you are depressed, you have choices and though they have side effects, I recommend that you consider the free, full-potency of God vs. the man-made anti-depressants that have a co-pay and no built in counselor who will show you that suicide is not the answer to your problems.

Though I still sit in the knowing that I have a lot of things I have to cope with, I also have the knowing that I am not alone. Neither are you.

When I was running today and feeling proud of my weight loss, I think I actually felt hell shake when I realized the value God has in my life and I think God smiled a big sigh of relief knowing I am putting my life in His hands instead of taking the easy way out....... (but isn't that ultimately THE easiest way out?)

Peace and Light and happiness to you all~

Peace bigger than problems

2010-06-07T18:41:00.000-07:00

Today was an interesting day. I have had to delve into things I do not like to get into. You know, divorce drama, childhood drama, IRS drama and employment drama.

The purpose of this blog is a keepin' it real perspective about the everyday and not so every day stressors that affect us between the ears and possibly on our waist. I speak about my struggles in life and how they affect my choices including, but not limited to, my food and my fitness.

Surprise! not every day is a fun-filled love fest that once you lose over half your goal (Yes I have) weight means life is miraculously better. No, no, no my blogspot partners. Life continues to happen to you even after you look fabulous in a pair of jeans. The key is to allow your peace to be bigger than your problems.

I met an amazing woman today who is helping me sort out some of my God questions. I actually have found that I have a host of women who are more than willing to help me stay on team Jesus and I am glad because the other team plays dirty and has lots of Jedi mind-tricks it tries to use. You know, the ones who tell you your are no good, people hate you, you are a waste of flesh and you should just get out while the gettin' is good. The old Faydra back in the days gone by would have wallowed in the pity of such a trying day. I mean, what sets you off more than baby-daddy drama, the IRS and needing a full time job??? Lots to poke and pick at your psyche and weight management success.

The old me would have felt scared, defeated and in need of a Mt. Dew and a Twix bar. Then at dinner a huge plate of chicken fettuccine and about a sleeve of Chips Ahoy and a tall frosty glass of milk to top it off. Instead, today I had a bowl of cherries, a handful of nuts and about a gallon of water.

The old me would have felt depressed, tired and weary in the physical. I would have laid on the couch, watched Oprah on Tivo and wished someone in the house knew how to make chicken fettuccine so I would not have to get up. Instead, I put on my shoes and I went to the hills. Now in all honesty, at one point I was crying and I had to walk on the way back, but I went to the hills and I was sweaty and I could not breath easily, so I had a meaningful workout.

My talk with my new friend really helped me in the coping dept. The bigger talk I had with God as a sniveling little mess at the hills helped even more. The new me is still scared and feels pitiful, but less scared and pitiful than the old. It's about degrees of scared pitifulness at this point.

The old me would have spent the majority of my time stewing over baby-daddy drama. The new me wished him all his heart desires and believes that if he were happier in life, he would be kinder to me.

The old me would have vomited when I got a notice from the IRS. The new me knows it will all be alright and I can do what I can do and that is all that I can do.

The old me would have resisted talking about childhood issues. The new me realizes that I have a painful and important story that when heard will make people look at me differently and feel compassion and that can change lives.

The old me would look at my bank balance and part time job and freak out! The new me believes that God has a plan for me and it is a present that is on its way. If anyone needs a great employee, I know one :)

Peace to you all~

In The Event of Life, Please Place Mask On Yourself First

2010-06-05T17:44:00.000-07:00

Ever heard the pre-flight speech about using the oxygen mask? The one that says to place on yourself first, before assisting others? Many moms can't handle the idea of selfishly meeting their own life or death needs before that of their children and family; but they should follow those directions.

One of the reasons that overweight people exceed the weight limits on flights and in life is that they take care of themselves last. They are the ones who meet everyone else's needs before their own because they were taught that to do otherwise was unacceptable. Putting all the energy into care taking other peoples needs leaves precious little time for our own. Likewise, when you do not allow yourself to get what you want in life, you may make up for it with food.

When I was REALLY BIG, ten years ago, that was my issue 100%. I felt as though I did not have many choices in my own life. I felt that I was trapped in a lot of ways and the only thing I could control was what I put into my mouth. I was a young, overwhelmed mom, money was tight and had some pretty negative coping skills for conflict. I was jealous of lots of people, I had a warped sense of what friendship and love was all about. I was a child in a woman's body with no mentor to show me the way.

Since I couldn't spend money in ways other people I saw could, I spent it where I could~the grocery store. I pampered myself with potatoes. I smothered myself in onions and I cuddled myself with cream. I couldn't go on vacation, so I had staycations instead. Want to go to Italy~Lasagna. Mexico~burritos. Sad while people were in Vegas and you can't go? Nothing a porterhouse can't fix.

Though I felt I couldn't control much, I could control what I ate. I could eat until I was satisfied and worry about all the things that seemed unfair, unflattering and unfixable later. On so many levels it was pure and horrid sabotage.

When you live on fat salt and sugar, you have zero energy. When you are trying to be super mom and have no energy, you become grouchy, resentful, short tempered and mean. When you do not exercise, you become flaccid and weak. Weak people can't life groceries, push strollers or take long walks with their kids or spouses.

When you get out of the cycle of putting yourself last in a healthy way, you discover the energy you need to be the things you want to be. You have the energy to be a better, kinder person. One filled with anti-oxidants and riboflavins and other good stuff.

When you start to take care of "you" it all falls into place. The fog lifts, the hate dissipates and the pressure in your "cabin" stabilizes.

Put on your version of an oxygen mask first and get stable and then help the ones you love. I did and my plane righted itself and it has been less of a bumpy ride since~

Uh-Oh, Spaghettios!

2010-06-03T14:49:00.001-07:00

I knew I shouldn't do it. I thought to myself, white pasta, sugar and other non-nutritive substances, not Jill friendly. Not good. BAAAAAAAAD.

I was HUNGRY. The kind of hungry that comes from having your head down and not watching the time while you work and your blood sugar drops and says ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, feeeeeeed meeeeeeee. That kind of hungry.

So I went to the cupboard and all I saw was a lone can of Spaghettios. I know, you are thinking how ghetto are you that you own spaghettios? Were they next to the Spam and Nesquick? My goodness woman.

Yes, not sure why I had them. Maybe they were prop one of the kids used at some point in a You Tube video. So I went for them. I thought low in fat, quick and easy.

Want to be really grossed out. I ate them cold out of the can. I sure did. They were gone in a moment, but the pain of that decision is sitting with me in my gut and in my throat. Heart burn via Campbells......

When I was a kid, I was jealous of anyone who had the cool food marketed on TV. I wanted Jiffy Pop, Sugar Smacks and Uh-Oh Spaghettio's was a slogan I loved. I thought there must be magic in that can and it surely had to be Yum-O as all the kids in the commercials had big smiles on their faces. Well, today I say Oh-No Spaghettio's.

Eat whole foods people~

How Faydra Got Her Groove Back for 3 1/2 Minutes

2010-06-02T18:42:00.000-07:00

OK, I am trying to be less of a sailor-potty mouth, but today was Sh**ty. Big doin's in this life. Thank God for good friends who care and checked in with me and a BFF who swept me up, bought me iced tea and took me to her private booth at the Green Barn for lunch where I had a salad and an appetizer for lunch.

Today was pretty crappy, but there were moments within the crap where the sun poked through and I could escape my angst.

I used to be such a negative person. Years ago I lived with a perpetual cloud over my head, expecting the worst and complaining about it the whole time. I am not that person any more, but I still have moments. Moments where the cloud opens up and into my life a little rain must fall.

I don't have any disease, my children are healthy and happy and I have potential, so I get mad at myself for even feeling the way I do, but stuffing this feeling could revert to stuffing myself and I do not want that to happen.

I decided to try to get a bit of movement in today even though sulking seemed far better, but less of a calorie burn. I started out with no iPod. I wanted to think and clear my head, but the sound of my own breathing was annoying me so I plugged in and hit shuffle. As I have said, my kids hooked me up with the iPod and I never know what is coming so all of a sudden, here comes the Commodores, Brick House. I gotta tell you, for 3 and 1/2 minutes, I got my groove back.

From the first whistle to the funky beat, I was runnin' and groovin' and I did not care about the world, my problems or who may be watching. "She's mighty, mighty, just lettin' it all hang out. I actually thought to myself, "actually no, a lot less is hanging out, thank you very much Lionel Richie."

It is important when we are not feeling all that great to fight the doldrums, to not allow ourselves into that space that requires Zoloft or Prozac or a high ball to get through the day. This too shall pass. The Bible says to not let the sun go down on our anger, I think we should not let it go down on our sorrows either.

Today I literally am Psalm 13 that reads " How long O Lord? Wilt though forget me forever? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart all the day? How long will my enemy be exalted over me? Consider and answer me, O Lord, my God, Enlighten my eyes lest I sleep the sleep of death. Lest my enemy say, I have overcome him. Lest my adversaries rejoice when I am shaken. But I have trusted in thy loving kindness; my heart shall rejoice thy salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me."

When you are sad, broken and hurting, reach for healthy things to bring yourself around. Lunch with a trusted friend, exercise, read the word of God and find some funky music to lift your spirits.

da da da ta, da da da ta.... ta da da da Built like an amazon......

I Love My Job!

2010-06-01T18:30:00.000-07:00

One of the cool things about my part-time job is that it takes me all over. Today I got to go to Dunsmuir. I went to the Dunsmuir Brewery and Pub for lunch and had a roasted red pepper, portobella mushroom and eggplant sandwich and a salad with fresh veggies and champagne dressing. It was delish. I sat outside and I listened to the breeze and the birds.

I saw a group of very large people walk up to the pub, read the menu and walk away. Seems that they were not as impressed with roasted veggies as I was. As I left Dunsmuir via the quaint downtown, I saw the group at the local frosty stand mowing down some fries and burgers, boy did they miss out.

Eating healthier is sooooo nice when you have cool places to go to. I still love a good frosty stand, but I felt very Yuppie at the Pub.

The drive home was great, a combination of puffy white clouds, balmy weather and snow capped peaks that will eventually continue to fill the near capacity Shasta Lake . I can't wait to spend my fair share of time on the lake this year in my new and improved body.

Peace and Light and Lovin' the North State to you~

A memorable Memorial Day

2010-05-31T14:00:00.000-07:00

Me: "Happy Memorial Day Supa J" (That's my friend)

Supa J "Thank You-you too"

Me: "Me?, It's Your day"

Supa J "It's for everyone to remember"

Hmmmmmm- Then I sent an email to my friend Rachel who I thought had been in the military, but wasn't sure and sure enough, she was! She wanted to be a pilot, but when she was there, they only flew supply helicopters.

I don't know too many veterans, but the two that I do know, Supa J and Rachel, are awesome. Supa J always has lots of stories, mostly about things he did "off duty" but nonetheless, he was shaped as a man during this time in his life. As for Rachel, I say~ Girl, life is short, learn to fly now!!!!

Then I started thinking about how could I connect with Memorial Day this year. Part of the discovering Faydra tour is learning that I am not as important in the whole scheme of things, you know. I mean, I am a pretty changed person since I allowed God to work through me and my "stuff" I am a lot more grounded, and realize there is a much bigger picture than I had allowed myself to consider before.

Then it hit me and off I went.... God is fun, if you let him talk to you........

I went to Oak Hill cemetery and I parked my car and I walked and walked and walked. I saw so much........ Above is a picture from one of the areas reserved for the military.

First off, here is a little known Faydra Fact: If I were starting over in this lifetime with a career, I would be compelled to work in the field of either cemetery maintenance or some form of helping the dead. Not creepy to me at all. I see helping the dead as the most sincere form of respect to people who rely 100% on you for their final issues in this world. I have traveled to cemeteries all over the nation and I always feel like I belong there helping. I have been to amazing cemetery's in New Orleans, New York, All over California and Oregon. Cemetery's have their own feel. Very cool.

ANYWAY~ Red Bluff has one of the most beautiful cemetery's I have been to. The markers are large and beautiful, like the lives of the people who rest there. It has an amazing mix of how we do it now and how it was done back then. The way we commemorate our loved ones has changed. I love the markers that say "lived 35 years, 14 days" It was as if the life of the loved one was so precious that the family wanted to remind us of every day they were here. What an honorable thing.

There were lots of flags today. I saw an entire family in lawn chairs laughing out loud and enjoying the balmy weather. I just parked and walked and read the beautiful names. I love reading the names. Some make me laugh Like a Asian name: Chew You, no lie.... Then there was the marker that just said "Vote" I can't make this stuff up......

I saw markers of people I knew who died when we were children, I love the pictures on some of the markers. I saw the repairs that were made to some of the oldest markers when vandals swept through years ago, Seriously, you gotta have cajones to vandalize a cemetery....... Nothing I want on my resume.

It was a memorable Memorial Day. Listening to the birds and the breeze through the trees, the way the overcast light fell on the grass and the graves. The mingling of people and flowers and flags all there to remember who has gone before us, our ambassadors to heaven.

Peace and Light to you all~

lead foot

2010-05-29T18:04:00.000-07:00

So, I just went for a run which took me since I woke up to convince myself to do. I put it off until the Nag in my head shamed me into it. I went to the hills in my shiny clean car after I surfed the web, picked out my clothes for church and did anything else I could use as an excuse to put off going.

I used my iPod and took off. Initially, I was doing ok, but when Prince or the artist I have always known as prince or whatever he calls himself now hit the hills, I got lead foot. You know, the way your feet feel when you are not in the running mood.

I kept thinking that this was a chore and though I had nothing better to do, I did not want to do this. The Blackeyed Peas didn't seem to help me either, which is unusual.

So, I had to power walk part of the way. I know that I COULD have ran, but I flat did not want to. *stomping on ground with running-shoed feet*

So, I didn't. I walked and ran and walked and ran. I listened to the words of an Evanessence song, I had never paid much attention to and I contemplated the neighborhood. I realized that I was moving and that some form of exercise is better than none and that not every day was going to be an A-game event. I mean, what was riding on this run? I don't have a bikini shoot tomorrow. I am pretty sure a bag of money won't fall into my lap if I run the whole thing in record time, so why not let it be what it is~ A slow run......

It is about movement and doing something vs. nothing. It is about breaking a sweat, which I assure you I did as my sitting here in running shorts and a sports bra and red face can attest to.

I did not change the running world today, but I am pretty sure I burned off the greek yogurt and almonds I had for breakfast and the possibly a bites worth of the open-faced spinach and tomato with one slice of swiss cheese and vegonaise sandwich I had for lunch (al a carte) That means "no chips" in Faydra language.

Move dammit, do something to make yourself proud or to get the Nag in your head to leave you alone.

Peace and Light and a slow run to you all~

Taking Scott for a bike ride

2010-05-29T09:55:00.001-07:00

yesterday Afternoon was BOR-ING! I had spent the day helping at a memorial service for a young man who, by the outpouring of love, obviously touched the lives of so many. I really did not know him, but I knew his mother.

She is delightful. She is a woman I worked with and felt very connected to at one time. I wanted to go and show my support to her through service. I just knew that the family needed to be in the moment and not have to worry about the behind the scenes necessities of putting on this memorial and reception.

So, I helped with the food table. I want you to know that I took on the food table monitor role with full gusto. I was hawk-like. If something spilled, I was on it. If something needed replenishing, it was filled. As the food was consumed, I collapsed the trays and rearranged the decorations to make it look good all the time. As Oprah says~ Love is in the details. I am a detail kinda girl. I wanted to make this last opportunity to honor her son, the best it could be from my two-cent part. I bussed tables, and I bagged and gave away food. I made small talk and I did what I could to make this the best food table that anyone ever approached.

Then it was over. The finality of the over was weird. What a day. How do you move on from honoring a life cut too short to back to the every day. I went to the store and rented movies and got some food to make a healthy dinner. The sun was finally out. I went home, tired but still wanting more. I lay on the couch and engaged in my weekly guilty pleasure, thumbing through new magazines. Then what to do? It was oddly silent in the house. Just the gentle tic toc of the wall clock. I cruised Facebook seeing whose life was better than mine and the moment and felt BORED.

I had this nagging in me, and nag is the best word. It is that mean voice in our heads that says. Hey you, fatty, remember the crap you ate last week, HELLLOOO you are failing. You had better do some sweatin' or you are gonna blow up like a balloon. Your blog followers are gonna see your chunky butt up town and say "You know, I just don't see the weight loss there girlie."

I hemmed and hawed and I looked at the weather and it hit me. Why don't I take Scott for a bike ride. I mean, he can do so many way cooler things than I can now. He can talk to Benjamin Franklin, Napolean and Jesus. He can be in all things and knows the answers to really cool questions, but he can't peddle my bike, (I think).

So, in honor of Scott, I took him on a bike ride. I thought about him and his mom and how much she loves him. I thought of the multitude of friends and family who loved him. One of his friends from San Francisco spoke with me and I really enjoyed her, she reminded me of my oldest daughter and I sensed that my daughter and Scott would have been friends. Similar mindsets. I spoke to his Grandmother and his Uncle. I got to meet new people introduced by Scott. Very cool.

I thought to myself that his mother, who had fought cancer, may have gone through her experience to teach him how to go through his own. Maybe God used her life to help him end his. Maybe she had an empathy with her son that other mothers could not. It is delicate business assuming about other people's paths and best not tread on lightly. All I know is that she has been an inspiration to me for years. She is physically beautiful and she has never radiated more than when she spoke about and on behalf of her son.

So, Scott and I went on the river trail yesterday. He helped get the Nag out of my head and made the ride less about weight loss and more about enjoying everyday life. I doubt that Scott cared one bit that my back has bumps and my thighs have dimples. He was just there for the ride.

Peace and Light to you all~

Huuuuuungry Or Not

2010-05-27T14:01:00.000-07:00

It is 2:05 and I want to eat. I just ate lunch and I still want to munch. (oh noetry, poetry)

This weather makes me want to eat. I want to have soup and garlic bread and chili and corn bread. I want hot tea with milk and sugar. I want to bake cookies and I want to fall off the wagon.

I want to rationalize to myself that it is ok and that if I binge I will not gain weight from one time.

I want coooooooookies...............

Grrrrrrrrrrr~

The Power Of Forgiveness And Weight Loss

2010-05-27T08:02:00.001-07:00

Last Sunday was an unusual day for me. First off, for the first time in about 5 months, I felt compelled to stay home from church. Unusual, because I love The Neighborhood Church in Redding. I am not sure if I can call it "my church" other than I have been attending since Christmas Eve and I tithe 10% of my income there at this point, so somehow, I guess I belong to them or they belong to me or some sort of co-mingling of my funds and faith and their facilities and I co-exist.

So, I felt a little strange not doing my usual Sunday routine. You know, church, a little Black Bear Diner where I have a Shasta Scramble egg whites only with dry wheat toast and fruit on the side and an iced tea to go. I did watch some Joel Osteen and of course some Joyce Meyer on my couch. I just love those two. Very different messages and very dynamic speakers.

So, I kept myself occupied looking at facebook, went for a run and cleaned up a little bit. All of a sudden, three things happened at once, all on facebook. I got two emails and an instant message.

The instant message was from someone that I had heard was talking about me behind my back and being nice to me to my face. I know how high school, but stick with me people. So, I have been allowing my anxiety and upset about this person take up space in my mind. Negative space. the kind that makes you eat potato chips for no reason space. The kind of space I see Melina about. In other words, not good.....

So here is the IM and I know I need to reply but there is a war going on in my head. One side says "forget her" "she is playing you and you don't need that" The other side says "Wouldn't it be nice to just get this out in the open and resolve it one way or another?" So, I listened to the more mature part of me because I have to tell you, the older and the wiser I get, the less I want the drama. I mean I have see the Housewives of New York and frankly, no thank you.......

So, I did it. I sent an email back explaining my position and how I hoped the best (I really did) but didn't want to be in a negative situation. AND GUESS WHAT?!

She emailed me back and was honest about herself and her part and who she is now as opposed to who she was then and that she would like to start fresh. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you imagine the anxiety I felt between getting her IM, me sending my email and getting my return email. Huge!!! At forty-something, my body is not as willing to have all the chaos induced hormones flying around in my body. It wants calmness; namaste.

I told her we were officially "big girls" now and I was proud of both of us, because I really do like this gal and she is one of the few people I know who have my energy level.

So, here I was on my forgiveness high and I have two emails. One is from a women who wanted me to know that for a significant time, she pretty much thought I sucked. She didn't care for me or believe my messages as she had an encounter with me once and after that I was on the no Christmas card list at her house. BUT, she wanted me to know that she has been following the blog and that I, in fact, have some redeeming qualities and she wanted me to know that the blog has been helpful and she has let go and re-evaluated the situation and though I may not get a Christmas card as the price of postage is ridiculous, I am hoping we can be facebook friends!!!
Seriously though, we shared some emails and did some healing and again, the pain lifted.

THEN~ I got an email from the Little Dark Haired Girl!!!!!! Remember the column I did, Little Dark Haired Girl, You Matter. Well, we found each other and I was able to ask her forgiveness and process those years of crap that she had to live through. FORGIVENESS!!!!!

The lifting of the shame and guilt I felt for her childhood and how she was treated by myself and my classmates literally has been heavy on my heart for years. I knew God forgave me of all my crap, but to make amends with someone I hurt and have then say that they accepted that was magnificent, you may want to try it yourself sometime.

How does this translate to weight loss? Think about it. The negative space I allowed the angst to live in with my IM friend, was poison. the guilt of living with knowing you were a part of angst in another is more poison. Realizing that you have people who don't like you and you didn't know it is another poison. I was a toxic dump and in three facebook emails, I was cleansed.

When we harbor negative thoughts and feelings it sabotages us. Being angry with me for being mean to the Little Dark Haired Girl often times crept into my thoughts about my deserving good things. Not being able to have closure can eat you alive, so often times we eat to stop the pain. I mean, if you are hurting, isn't the first thing that comes to mind is a bag of Dorritos or a hot fudge sundae?

I posted on my facebook early Sunday "I want to be a blessing, how can I make your life better" I had no idea that three people would take me up on that quote in a magnificent way.

Heal your past, heal your heart, lose weight in your head, lose weight on your gut...........

Smoke and Mirrors Baby, Smoke and Mirrors

2010-05-25T09:51:00.000-07:00

When I was a young girl in High School, I was about one size smaller than I am now. I was a 12. Most of my friends were a range between a 4 and an 8. I used to look at that number and think, if she is a 6 I am twice her size! I was 5'9" and weighed more than 150 lbs. I spent a lot of time thinking I was fat. The truth is that the average size of the nation is a 12. If, after over twenty years of graduating I am only a 14, I say Wooooo Hoooooo because I remember being a size 24 ten years ago.

This video reminds me of the fact that advertising is all smoke and mirrors. So is the notion that having a slender body, perfect body or less than zero-sized body means you have value. I know a lot of very small women who look great in clothes, but that is where it all ends. What they gain in looks they gave up in class, compassion or other important aspects of humanity. Being small isn't "all."

I have been told by more than one man that a woman with curves and flaws and features that we have been told by advertising are unattractive, is exactly what they are looking for. One guy told me that if he takes a woman out and no matter how great she looks, if she orders a salad or wimpy dinner, he never asks her out again because life is supposed to be lived and fun and a salad-eating woman is not his idea of fun.

I also heard this saying that makes me laugh all the time. No matter how good she looks, someone, somewhere, is sick of her crap. That goes for guys too...........

The fact is that losing weight between your ears is more about esteem than waist line. When you fix the issues that make you eat poorly, you fix issues that make you love poorly, make you friend poorly, make you parent poorly, make you community member poorly. When you lose the weight between your ears the weight loss on your back and thighs is a by-product. Losing weight between your ears is love taken inward. Imagine if we were blind and didn't have eyes with which to judge by appearances. The criteria for love would be whittled down to how does the other person smell, talk and navigate walking in a sighted world.

I want to lose this last 10 (cuz, yeah I already lost 10!) pounds because when I am at a particular weight, I love life. I told my trainer, Jill Becker, that I have no desire to sculpt myself into a chiseled, hard body. I have no desire to drive myself into the ground and do what it would take for me to be a single digit size. I love life at a certain harmony that allows me to move easily, eat easily, and live easily. I am 5'9" weigh over 150 pounds and love it. I find it easy to get the things in life I want and I bet if you polled men and maybe some women, they would say it is my attitude that they find attractive more than my looks. Smoke and mirrors baby, smoke and mirrors.

You have to FEEL good to LOOK good

2010-05-24T07:59:00.000-07:00

One of the roadblocks to maintaining an exercise program is that our bodies hurt sometimes. One of the first excuses overweight people use against movement is that they have a bad knee, hurt hip, sore jaw, week nose joint, blah, blah, blah.....

When I weighed over a hundred pounds more than I do know, pain was a part of my everyday living, especially a horribly debilitating condition known as sciatica.
Sciatica is a nerve problem in the hip and leg that is very painful, limits mobility and range of motion. Couple this issue with being overweight and you have a recipe for a sedentary lifestyle. You do not want to do anything that will awaken that sleeping giant so you avoid any type of strenuous exercise.

Well, I faced that demon and moved anyway, but I also learned strategies for making my life easier and better along the way~

Massages seem like a luxury to people who do not value themselves. Some people see a massage as the quintessential example of spending money in a self-serving way. I mean that money could have bought food, something for my kids or paid part of the utilities. What good mom or dad would spend that kind of money a month on themselves for something so individual and selfish?

Helllloooooo people, let me tell you what. The money you invest in massage will net you dollars. The benefit to your body is not just the seemingly exotic part of being greased up and rubbed down. Do not confuse massage by a professional with the massage you give or get with your honey when you are looking for some sugar (if you know what I mean) they are two totally different things. Additionally, I bet you some of you are spending the equivalent dollars in diet soda, movie rentals or non-fat lattes at Starbux that are not helping you lose the weight or cope with your life.

Massage works in many ways. It works on your mind, body and spirit. It realigns your muscles, spine and other very important parts. Hey, I'm no physician here, I don't know the best terminology to use other than massage makes your body come back together and work right again. Massage alleviates pain in the moment and prevents pain in the future. It makes it possible for you move no matter what your compliant. Does your shoulder hurt so you can't do yard work or lift weights? Massage and can fix that. Does your knee hurt so you can't walk, jog or run? Can't climb a stair or go get the mail? Massage can fix that. Do your shoulders feel like earrings because they are tense? Massage can fix that.

Remember when I talked to you about the importance of good equipment: running shoes, bras and wicking fabrics? If not, please review all previous blog posts until you do. Well, massage is another way to help you change your life and have an A game instead of a D game.

First of all, if you think massage is an elite or extravagant thing, get over it. You are just telling yourself something stupid to make your mind think you don't deserve health or a better life. MIND GAMES people. If you think massage is too expensive, get over it too. There are so many options and prices, you can get a one hour massage from some people for as little as 35.00. I will tell you though, that a great average for a great massage is going to be somewhere around 40.00-60.00 an hour. Well worth the investment. If you think massage is too touchy-feely, get over it. People who do massage are professionals who love helping people, not nymphos or voyeurs or weirdos with a hidden agenda. They have no desire to see you in all your glory on their table. they have the desire to help the human body be all it can be. They are good people, doing good things to make you a good person who can do good things. Don't be embarrassed. You can wear as little or as much as you like, you can fall asleep, snore and ignore them the whole time, just remember to leave a nice tip when you go.

The bottom line in the reality that weight loss is between your ears is that eventually when you exercise your body is going to hurt. Some people need to not hurt in order to keep moving. Massage is a fantastic (I would say vital) way for you to make sure you feel good. When you feel good you have the stamina and energy to keep up the fight.

Peace and Light and go get a massage~

Sunday Sermon

2010-05-23T09:45:00.000-07:00

"Hurting people, hurt others. It is that simple. If you are hurting someone, you are hurting. If you are being hurt, that person who is hurting you is hurting. It is all that plain and simple. Love begats love. Joy begats joy. It is time for you to address the issues in your head that are keeping you from the life you want. Part of this life is your health and you body image." Taken from my book-in-the-works In The Meantime, Ten Habits To Develop On Your Way To Losing Weight~

Weight loss is more about the mind than the waist line. Losing weight is a by-product of a healthier mind. Conversely, gaining weight is a by-product of a unhealthy mind. We all have ways to sabotage ourselves. Believe it or not, not everyone who is thin or fit has their act together, but I guarantee that their life is jacked up in some form.

The sooner you can wrap your brain around the notion that you must love yourself before anyone else can AND that you must love yourself before you can healthfully love another, you are going to be miserable and unable to wear Missme jeans from Buckle that are too damned expensive any way.

Get to the root of the problem, why did I pick up chips the other day after that text? Because I felt picked on which triggered a ton of old thoughts and feelings. What did I do about it? I made an appointment with my adviser and Theta practitioner, Melina Robison, and got the the root of the problem. Do you know how freeing it is to remedy long standing personal issues that manifest themselves in the form of bags of chips? Pretty darn good people.

The key to this change is that you can't do it alone. You don't have to talk to someone about it, you can read a book. You can meet with someone who can help like a coach, therapist, God or trusted friend. You can work it out in your head, but all I'm sayin' is if you could do it on your own, you wouldn't be reading this blog........

Peace and Light and Sunday's best to you all~

Bye Now, Gotta Run

2010-05-22T17:15:00.000-07:00

As a Certified Life Coach, one of the values I offer my clients is the G.Y.S.T. program. I lovingly call it Get Your Shit Together or Get Your Stuff Together if you are less like a sailor. One of the benefits of the GYST program is access to me when you need it~in the moment. In the moment of crisis, decision making, sweating, wavering, vulnerability or in need of some sort of support.

I know that coaching is most effective when you are in the game, not just at practice. So, if my clients are having a "moment" and need to process, I am there via text, phone or email. Pretty cool, huh?

So, yesterday was a busy day. I had a hot lunch date with G-Steph (and I don't mess around with my G-Steph commitments) and I had an open house to attend at Body Projex where I would showcase my smaller version of Faydra in my smaller sized gym-wear. So, I wanted to make sure to get a run in before I ate and all that jazz.

On my way to the Hills, my phone rings and it is someone who needs a lot of assistance. I was glad to help, but it cut into my running time. I felt anxious as I saw the time drifting away and guilty that I wasn't going to get in my run. Then I decided to challenge myself. I decided to run my run in the time that I had.

I used my Ipod, which I generally leave in the car (I know, you think it is weird that I do not run with my Ipod) that made a big difference. I covered my usual terrain in ten less minutes. OMG, yes, I covered all the same mileage in ten less minutes. I mean. no one makes you run faster than Barry Manilow and Lionel Richie....... What? you don't agree?

My lungs were burning, The rest of the day I coughed that weird cough that you get when you scorch your lungs with air because you pushed yourself so hard, but I did it. Go Faydra Go Faydra.......

The Body Projex open house was a great success, lots of people, demonstrations and the news was there. I met some new people handed out some CD's and felt confident in my appearance. Jill commented that my midsection looked noticeably improved (my words, not hers) so I felt like a "good girl."

The vibe was great, you can't feel bad about yourself when you are in an underground gym with the likes of Jill and Avery Vilche, newly retired cage fighter.

Make the best use of the time that you have. You don't gain anything by coping out when the time flies. Do something for fitness even when you think time is tight. It isn't just about the physicality. It makes you proud of yourself when you do the right thing, use discipline or make a good choice. I may not have given myself an advantage by running less time than I normally do, but the time I ran was quality time. I put more into that short amount of time than I normally do in a longer amount of time. That means a lot to me in my battle to lose weight between my ears. I am proud of myself and that feels even better than a little weight loss.

You see, when you turn things around in your head, the weight loss becomes a secondary gain. Your faith in yourself. Your love for you is actually what you are trying to achieve while losing weight. It is the dream of loving and accepting yourself that you are truly looking for. Most people think that looking a socially idealized way will make them have value and so they think that they are going after the goal of weight loss. It is actually looking for acceptance and self love that we all want. I loved that I made the most of my time. I loved me in that moment, bumps and lumps and back fat and all.........

Go Faydra ~

I'm Faydralicious

2010-05-21T08:43:00.001-07:00

so, I am getting ready for the Body Projex open house and I decide to drop some stuff off at the gym. I also decide to get on the scale and see whats up with my weight loss. I have lost another 7 pounds! Pretty sure it all came off my back and so glad that it did.

Then I wrestled with the most important question about the entire open house, WHAT TO WEAR! do I dress life-coach professional or do I blend in to the environment and wear work out gear? Jill said to go for the workout gear and since doing what she has told me has worked out pretty good so far, I decided to mind.

I went to Big Five and looked at their over priced and sale items scanning the racks and feeling sad that they did not have too many XL choices. I took a size XL bottom and a size L top into the room and hoped for the best. Oh man, my ........... pants were too big (you thought I was going to say my shirt was too small, gotcha) I ended up a whole size smaller in the work out wear!!!!!
The mere fact that I fit into a smaller size made me throw common commerce sense to the wind baby. I'll be sporting my hot pink and black Addida's gear at the open house tonight. I think that Addida's should be the official weight loss garb of this famous blogger, don't you?

Anyway, I swear to you I have been walking so tall ever since my 7 pound weight loss discovery. I feel like they do on the biggest loser when they get on the scale and realize that it all went in their favor. It was like wind in my hair riding in a convertible with a really hot guy cool.

Yesterday was even better because it was spa day for Faydra, I had a wonderful microderm abrasion treatment from Debbie at Rio Skin and Body Works. Essentially, she sand blasts my face (which sounds more painful than it is) and tells me that with a bit of luck I may look like Kris Kardashian, which is always a way to get me to cooperate with you. Then I had a so-good-for-words-I-can't-describe-it massage with Michelle who said to me "you are getting skinny" which is the smartest way I can think of to be able to charge me anything you want for a massage.

I rounded out the day with the Red Bluff High School Track Awards. These awards are great and you know why? The food. The families bring a pot luck dish and there is amazing food. If you know Red Bluff, it is Chemistry Affair kind of good. If you don't know Red Bluff, think multicultural smorgasbord of amazingness and calories. For me, I sat there and enjoyed my skinny self and waited until after the event to nosh on spinach enchiladas a la carte por favor. Yeah, I am Faydralicious.

It's An Open House!!!!!

2010-05-20T08:19:00.000-07:00

If you want to see who I have been talking about, what I have been talking about and why I have been talking about it, then make sure you come to the open house at Body Projex Friday night at 5:30!

Jill will be introducing her Zumba classes and I will be there with CD's that show you how to be, do and have all the things in your life that you want.

Is there a better combination on the planet than Jill Becker and Faydra? Um-no people, there is not. You need to come check this out. My girl, Avery will be there. There will be local businesses there who can show you how to get the most out of this life and this body that you have.

Make sure you check out all the info in the Red Bluff Daily News article out today.

Soooo can't wait to see you......

What's My Purpose

2010-05-19T16:10:00.000-07:00

It is approaching 5:00. I am bummed. Usually at 5:00 I would be in my car ready to pick my daughter up from practice. I would be necessary, important and vital to her. If I did not pick her up, she would be stranded. Now she can drive and I have lost an essential purpose in my life.

I no longer have to get up to take her to school or to accommodate her social schedule. I no longer have to take the thing she forgot to the place she forgot to take it. I don't have to pick her up at the end of her dad's weekend. The sheer magnitude of it is overwhelming.

I became a mother at a young age and I had my kids three years apart, almost to the day. As the baby becomes less of a baby, I am having to redefine my role and my time management. My time needs less management.

The emotions associated with empty nesting can cause us to eat if we do not embrace the loss and identify and appreciate it. As the kids spend more time away, everything about food and fitness changes. I do not need to cook full meals and I certainly can't say I don't have time to exercise. The good news about empty nest is that I don't have an excuse not to exercise. The bad news about empty nest is I do not have an excuse not to exercise. Get it..........

The other night, I had yogurt for dinner. That is a big deal! I never understood people who could have cereal for dinner. I thought they were cop out losers who were bad mom's and here I was slurping down the Yoplait at 7:00pm. I get it now.........

It is a reconditioning of the mind. I am 41 and have grown or near grown kids. I can do what I want as Cartman would say. It is bittersweet and freeing at the same time. It is empowering and debilitating in tandem. It is sad and cool in unison........

Now is the time to roll around in my mind the opportunities that present themselves in my new found aloneness. The choices I always wanted as a busy mom but don't know how to make as an unbusy one. I remember day dreaming about what I would do with my time when my kids were on their own. I seem to have forgotten what those dreams were as of yet, but I intend to find them again.

Peace and Light and time management to you all.......

Faydra Food and God

2010-05-17T09:05:00.000-07:00

I am reading a new book: Women, Food and God. I saw the interview with Geneen Roth on Oprah last week. I went to Barnes and Noble and got my copy.

Over the weekend I had a few "Aha" moments as Oprah calls them. It is awesome how God has worked in my life to open thine eyes to what makes me tick. This book has been very useful at doing this.

As I was reading the introduction, a text came through on my Blackberry that sent me into a familiar feeling of anxiety. Someone was wanting me to do something that was a boundary issue for me. I immediately felt out of control and as though I was being forced to do something I did not want to do. All my "stuff" came to the surface. For years I have been on the "finding Faydra tour" and I have cleaned up a lot of crap that I used to think, feel and do. I have stopped a lot of poor behaviors, I have let go of a lot of issues and I have become a better person. Still, there is always work to be done and some of the hardest work we put off until there very end.

I was reminded of that yesterday with a one sentence text. I put my book down and instantly thought, "I am hungry, I want chips." Now I rationalize and tell myself that the desire to eat chips is purely coincidental and it is totally OK because I eat these really great baked chips that are less fat than regular and they are quite simply heaven on earth. They are made by Kettle. So, I go to the cupboard and grab a bag of chips and sit down and stare at the book and my Blackberry. What to do, what to do with the anxiety and the pain I am feeling. I start munching and I start thinking about the interview with Oprah and the video's of women binging in their cubicles at work. I think of the 100 pounds I lost and the 20 I am currently working on and I feel sick on top of my anxiety. What an emotional cocktail.......

So, I allow myself to entertain the thought that the chips, albeit better than full fat versions, are still in my mouth for a reason other than nutrition. So, I put them away. the anxiety remains..... Then I see the trail mix sitting on the counter. I tell myself that I am hungry so I get a small handful and sprinkle them on my mouse pad as I peruse facebook to see what is happening in other people's lives that can distract me from mine. My rationale is that "if" I am hungry, I will be satiated with the trail mix. I will be full from the type of food that I am eating. Nuts instead of chips. It worked. Whew I made it through.

I still can't get away from all the feelings wellered up inside of me so I go to write, Gods gift to me to help me cope and hopefully help others. As I write, I start out about my anger. I am angry about people who cross my boundaries. I am angry when I feel as though I have no say in my life. I feel violated. Then I realize that my anger is actually fear. Fear that there are people who take my power to manage my own reality and life. I think about my step-father who abused and tormented me. It seemed that there was never any consequences for his behavior. Then I think about my ex and our divorce and my anger about that. Then I think about my current boundary crossers. People who hate on me with anonymity and face no consequences.

I realize that it is the issue of control that makes me freak out. That people who do not value you can affect your life in a such a way that you end up with the feelings I am feeling and trying to make it better with chips and trail mix. Not knowing what would actually make it better. The chips and trail mix are tangible. Forcing people to be good to you is an intangible. When I break down my thoughts is a life coach sort of way, it goes like this:

Faydra, what are you feeling? Mad, violated and picked on

How does that make you feel? Hurt

Why? because I don't think I deserve this

Have you ever felt this way before? Yes

When was the first time? As a child with my step-father

Any other time? Yes when I was divorcing and my ex and his girlfriend flaunted their relationship.

Any other time? Yes in my current relationship and how his ex and his child treat me.

How do you feel about it now? Like I am insignificant and don't matter. That I don't deserve people to be respectful to me because I am less than they are and they know it.

So, through this book I am exploring my thoughts about food, Faydra and God. I am exploring how my feelings about people messing with me actually makes me mess with me. I tell people all the time that only we can control our thoughts feelings and actions. I control how I respond to uninvited texts, uninvited hate emails and posts about my column. So far, I have controlled those reactions through trying to comfort myself. Wouldn't you?

As I write this book about weight loss and blog about this process you see that it is not magical la la stuff that takes off the weight. It is about what goes on inside of your head. Imagine if I just went with the urge to binge on chips or worse. Imagine if I had starved myself or something, but never explored what was between my ears. That is how people lose it all and gain it all back. We have to fix our thoughts and I think this book may help. GO GET A COPY!!!!!!

Peace and Light and Good Reading to YOU~

Too Much Information or Useful Information?

2010-05-13T08:40:00.000-07:00

It is that lovely time in the month when lots of things about life seem to whack out of control. I feel gittery, edgy, cranky, depressed, anxious, and frumpy. Wow, what a list of adjectives. I feel kinda guilty writing them. Life coach says she isn't perky and joy-filled......

I learned many years ago on my self-awareness tour that there are times in the month when I am not suitable to make decisions, change plans or make large purchases. Now that I am probably peri-menopausal or pre-menopausal or whatever they call it, I find that I am suffering a bit more during that time.

This is the time of the month when I have a tendency to sabotage anything that is going well. I have anxiety that comes in the form of self-doubt. I start to see more of what isn't working that what is. I feel like I want to be left alone, hide and not interact with others and then wonder why I feel so alone. The sheer idiocy of it all is mind numbing.

What I have learned is that it is only a moment in time and not reality. Where people get into trouble is by not knowing this and allowing what happens when Flo is town, to stay in their lives even after she is gone (for a while). It's like Vegas baby, leave the crap that comes with that week in that week. You have to take charge of the situation. Communicate to your loved ones that you are a toxic waste dump of anxious negative thoughts and allow yourself the options to take care of you. Be honest with yourself and tell yourself that you do not have to believe every thought in your head.

Move... exercise relieves the symptoms of unwanted guests like Flo. Take a walk, look at nature and nurture your soul.

Food..... Flo is a a beast. she is there to take you off track. She says, "hey girl, I'm here to visit and everyone knows that what you eat while I am here is a freebie" Don't buy it. If you know that you have no ability to hold out while she is here messin' in your business, then build falling off the wagon into your routine. Schedule an indulgence day into your month when she is here, messin' up your life. Make up for it the rest of the month by eating well.

Thoughts...... The thoughts you think that are not positive are lies. If you feel excited about life that is God, if you feel flat, derailed or negative guess who that is....... the Devil. Remind yourself that you are fabulous and that this is a chemical issue in your body. Drink some water take a walk or read something that stimulates your mind and move forward.

Kindness.... Now is the time to show yourself some kindness and compassion. If you are like me, you actually experience body pain this week. My lower back is so painful and my shoulders feel like earrings. Get a massage, take long baths and rejuvenate. Ask your honey to be nice and be sure to repay the kindness to keep the relationship equitable.

Flo is a biatch, but with realizing the fact that she is a necessary part of your life, you can manage that associated problems. You can keep fit, eat right and keep from gaining weight between your ears.

A Little Forced Down-Time makes me a Thinner Winner

2010-05-11T09:09:00.000-07:00

Last week, my computer crashed. For a writer, that is a BIG deal. My usual routines were interrupted and I didn't quite know what to do with myself sometimes.

No Facebook other than on my BlackBerry, no blogging. Thank goodness I had pre-written a column or two for the Red Bluff Daily News.

So, you must all be wondering if I used all this free time to cook and eat or to move and lose. Wellllllll........ I did move and lose. I have been running, choosing to eat better foods and being thinner and a winner.

Of course we had Mother's Day weekend, but guess what. I did not cheat. I did; however, have a slice of Baskin Robbins ice cream cake, but I ran first so I burned the calories to make room for the calories I took in. You see, it isn't about deprivation and leaving everything you love behind in order for you to have a more manageable behind. It truly is about moderation. On Saturday, I went to the Cheesecake Factory which is all that its name implies; however, I had the special. cup of soup, salad (no dressing) and a half of a turkey sandwich on whole wheat. I thought about the cheesecake. I looked at the cheesecake. I could smell the cheesecake, but I am just at that point in my process where it isn't that hard to say no. I mean, if it were a ROMANTIC trip to the cheesecake Factory with one piece and two forks and the promise of romantic exercise to follow, perhaps I could have been swayed. I was with my daughter and a BFF, who is size 4, so that was all of the inspiration I needed.

I am happy to report that the mountains of back fat on my body are more like foothills and that the pot holes on my thighs appear more like gentle worn asphalt. That is a measurement of success. I am on my way!

Peace and Light and ice cream cake to you all~

A Word From Our Sponsor

2010-05-04T18:21:00.000-07:00

Hi Guys! It's Jill~ I am so excited to get Faydra's permission to post on her blog. I have really great news! I have Faydra's first month's stats to share with you and I am sure you will agree that her hard work has paid off. As a matter of fact, she is due to be weighed and measured already, I have just been so busy with personal trainings and fit camps at Body Projex that I am behind schedule.

When I first heard about Faydra, I knew some of the women she had been helping. Her name kept coming up with my clients as someone who was inspiring them to reach some of their goals. If their goals were fitness, I realized that her helping them was leading them to the Body Projex studio. I started thinking, I have got to meet this lady. I already knew about her from her weekly column in the Red Bluff Daily News and I liked what I saw there.

When we met, it became very obvious that she had some great talent. I realized that she had skills that I could use to catapult my business. After talking over iced tea, we decided to form a partnership where I would help her while she was writing her second book about weight loss. I would coach her through toning her body and helping be ready for the cover shoot. She would coach me about expanding my business and offering women more ways to be healthy inside and out.

What a team! she has already achieved amazing results and I am seeing growth at Body Projex and in private training thanks to her coaching! Let me tell you, Faydra is determined and her programs in life coaching really work. I think she agrees that my fit camps and one on one training work really well too.

So, here are her stats for just about four weeks of work:

Starting body fat 31.95%
Current body fat 24.17%
change: 7.79% WOW!

Lean body mass (muscle) 133.24
Current mass 145.89
change: 12.65 Super WOW!

Weight 195.80
current weight 192.38
lets remember all that muscle mass counteracts that weight loss

Waist: then 37.44 now 33.50
Hip: then 43.50 now 43.31
Chest: then 43 now 41.50
Bicep: then 13.06 now 12.75
Calf: then 15.31 now no change
thigh: 24.56 now 24.25

I am so proud of Faydra and I can't wait to get her newest measurements and post them for you to see. Make sure to cheer her on, she needs the support.

Most of all remember, any of you can have these amazing results. It is about smart choices and movement.

Faydra and I are participating in the St. Elizabeth Hospital's Fashionably Healthy Affair and our give away item is a combo package of 6 weeks of Fit Camp at Body Projex and a 6 week membership in Faydra's GYST program. That is an 850.00 package for one lucky winner.

Come and meet my wonderful trainers and learn how we can help you achieve all of your fitness goals! Check out our website at http://www.bodyprojex.com/ and find a class schedule that works for you.

Until Next Time!

The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of God

2010-05-01T10:47:00.001-07:00

When I first started exercising at "the hills" there was only one house. There was a lot of beautiful paved road, no chasing dogs and lots of driveways that were up hill. I began running at the hills over ten years ago when I was losing my first 100 lbs.

The hills and I go way back to the times that I didn't know what I believed about anything. My marriage had fallen apart. I didn't understand myself very well and I wasn't sure if I believed in God. I mean, I think I did, but I didn't believe that God loved me. When I looked back on my life, I did not see mercy, I saw abuse, lost love and confusion about where I belonged and who I was outside of a mother.

When I was losing the initial weight between my ears, I lost most of it pounding the pavement at the hills. There is a moment when you are exerting energy that your mind releases chemicals that cause a calming effect. It is natures way of balancing your mood. When I ran at the hills, I had many different kinds of runs.

I had great days when I was strong in mind and body and could run every step even uphill and through the entire course. I had days where I was forcing myself to go. Mad or sad with the world and hoping I would find the release of emotion through running the hills. I had days of victory when I was excited about life and running was a reward for a day well spent.

I remember the beginning at the hills when I did not have the stamina or the ability to run uphill. I created mantras in my mind and said them over and again in my head to encourage myself and challenge myself. the first one was "quitters never win and winners never quit" Over and over in my head as my back hurt or my feet were burning.

At times through my divorce or when I couldn't make sense of my world, I would run and have fights in my head with my ex or whoever I was feeling victimized by. The combination of exerting myself and releasing the anger left me better in the end.

Something started happening through the years as I ran the hills. I became a better person. At the time, I did not know how it was happening. I just know that my life indicated that I was making better choices. I was changing from a gossip and a victim to a survivor and a more put together woman. I was shedding negative traits that kept me from what I wanted. At the time I didn't equate the change with anything other than "processing" my thoughts. I attributed my changes with the action of running as a form of meditation. I just thought I was growing up, you know?

Years into running, I began writing my weekly news column for the Red Bluff Daily News. I started noticing that when I was running, often times I was getting strong ideas about column topics that were effective for teaching the message I had. I was overcome with ideas about funny titles and content that would help others. It got so strong at one point that I started having to leave a paper and pen at my car so as soon as I stopped running, I could hurry and write it all down before I lost my memories. Many times I would be pondering an aspect of my life and an answer would appear in the form of a column.

then I would go home and write columns, sometimes two or three, that I would submit for the readers about how to be more successful. Later, I would read the column in print and be amazed at the content. I would literally think "I did not write that"

I ran the hills in all kinds of weather, during and on holidays and any time of day. I knew the trees and the cracks in the road intimately. I cringed when a new house was built knowing I would not have access to that driveway in longer and I secretly wished I could live in the neighborhood and just walk out of my door and run.

One year when I was running, I started to notice that routinely two birds would be circling above me or just adjacent to me. In my frame of reference, I believed the birds symbolized me and my best friend who was always there for me. The two amigos. I would look at the birds and feel supported by them. One day, I had a revelation, the birds were actually symbols of me and God. I started crying when I internalized this idea. That the birds represented my flight with God. that as I ran, God looked down on me.

It was a while after this recognition that I started noticing that there was only one bird. Each time I would look for the other bird and it was gone. One day, it hit me there is only one. God and I are one. I am part of God and He is in me and we are One. I know this sounds deep people, but it was a BIG deal to me.

Even though I had this experience, I still only had a vague understanding of the bigger picture. It has taken me the last year to really sort out and piece together the actuality of who God really is and how he is working through me. That is another story in and of itself.

When I set out to rework myself for the new book I am writing: In The Meantime~ Ten Habits To Develop On The Way To Losing Weight, I started working with Jill Becker at Body Projex. I was working out at her gym and being focused on learning new ways to sculpt my body. In doing this, I was trying new things and experiencing the "group" aspect of exercise. I got away from my hills. If you look at the older posts you will see that I had a tough time with some of the activities, physically and psychologically. Especially breathing.

Last week I went to the hills. I was drawn to them. I wanted to run by myself and just do something familiar and comfortable. Guess what? I ran and I breathed deeply. I felt that connection again and came home to write three new columns that will begin this coming Wednesday.

I get it. This is my time with God. This is the gift He gave me years ago and the way that He uses to help me help others. My first book about to be released: In The Meantime~Ten Habits To Develop on Your Way To Success was born and written in my head at the hills. The things I learned pounding that pavement are my ministry. The tears, the revelations, the insights and the healing were all part of God's plan. I know it like I know that I know it is true.

The hills were where I shed so much. I shed my anger, my hate, my child-like cattyness, and a lot of weight. I gained so much more. Strength and acceptance and a ministry to help others.

So, now I realize that in addition to working with Jill I have to stay true to my first love of the hills where it all started and will all be finished. I owe it to myself and to all who enjoy my message.

Peace and Light and a talk with God to you~

Being at the gym with my mom

2010-04-29T20:16:00.000-07:00

Well, today was a hard day for my daughter, but it ended up with me beaming with pride.

My daughter is a "thrower" in field events. She throws shot put and discus for her high school. Who knew that a girlie girl, cheer leader could do so well at a sport. She has done so well, in fact, that she has broken the JV records at her high school, swept every track meet she has attended and broken the records at two invitational meets. I just registered her for the Iron Wood Throwing Camp this summer is Spokane Washington. It will be a fun road trip for sure.

So, here is the deal. This weekend is the Meet of Champions in Sacramento. It is held in an official track stadium and Meaggan and I were really excited that she was eligible to represent. Well, imagine her upset when she was told today that someone forgot to register her for the meet. Yes, whomever is responsible for signing the throwers up forgot about Meaggan.

So, she had a pretty bad day and when I picked her up I was worried about how she was going to react to the issue.

I am so impressed with what she said and did: She said she wanted to go to the gym to work off her anger and disappointment. So we did, she kicked my butt. She took me in Dave's Cave at Tehama Family Fitness Center. This is a place for guys! This is where she works out. It is the friggin' free weight, testosterone laden environment that I thought you had to have special male plumbing to use. After she made me do twenty minutes on the elliptical on full speed with hills, she made me go in the cave and do weights. I was humiliated when she used one apparatus for our backs and she used about 80lbs and I could barely do 20. She is a goddess. She is a mini-Jill I am telling you.

Then to make me even more proud, we went to dinner at the Countryside Deli and she ordered the stuffed avocado and fruit.

I loved watching her process her anger and upset (she had some boy issues today as well) in a healthy way. She relieved her stress with a work out. She ate well in spite of her upset. She made really good choices. If she makes these kinds of choices about stress I feel confident that she will make good choices about other issues like drugs or sex. It makes me proud of her and trust that she is on the right "track" in life.

My other benefit was that I got a great workout and I saw her MySpace and it said her day sucked and the best thing about today was "being at the Gym with my mom"

Peace and light and working out your anger to you~

You Gotta Love It

2010-04-28T08:57:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here laughing at myself. Giggling at my silliness and reveling in my self-awareness. Today, my weekly column comes out in the Red Bluff Daily News. It is a "You Matter" column which I started nearly a year ago after listening to a commencement speech by Fred Null at the RBUHS 2009 graduation.

Last week, my cyber-hater was all over me with criticism and venom about my worth and my credibility to write columns. I was not happy and I was critical of their criticism. It was starting to make the day my column came out icky instead of fun. I dreaded seeing what she would say next.

Well, today, I got quite a surprise. Bill Hill one of two new directors at the Red Bluff Chamber of Commerce referenced my column in his titled: Red Bluff You Matter. I started giggling thinking that at the same time my hater was reading, he was reading and having a different experience. He was getting what I was trying to do.

See how it all works. What some one wants to use for bad others will use for good. It just goes to show you that every day is a new day and with every day comes new opportunities to grow and heal and become who you want to be.

Peace and Light and Read the Red Bluff Daily News today

The Tipping Point

2010-04-27T19:13:00.000-07:00

Jill, via Text: "Your results are amazing! I can't wait to show you"

These results are the measurements she took a few weeks ago which were taken a month after I began to work out with her at Body Projex. It has been about three or four weeks since and I know that the results are even better. I mean, look at me in my new suits!!!!

There is a tipping point when all the pain starts to fade. The pain of not eating things that are bad for you, but seemed so good at the time. The pain of being unable to breath or manage your body during physical activity. The pain of looking at yourself in the mirror and wishing things were different. All of this pain fades and is replaced with pride.

I have to admit, you may think I am a quitter, but I have not been in the Body projex studio in more than two weeks. The truth is that the times haven't jived for my real life situation. I simply have not had the luxury of being available when classes are scheduled. BUT, the cool part is that I have taken it upon myself to make sure that I am fitting fitness into my life. I am running, I am going to the gym and I am using my time wisely. I walk the stairs at work instead of taking the elevator. I park my car far away from the store and my work and places where I can get a few extra steps here and there. I kagel, lol, I clench my butt and I try to do what I can when I can.

That is reality people. Unless you are a trophy wife or a trust fund baby, you may not have the same schedule as your fitness club. You may have to actually discipline yourself to do something on your own. One of the success habits that I write about is that you have to internalize the things that are good for you and you have to do them when no one is holding your accountable.

I choose good food when no one is looking. I make my bed when no one is coming over. I wear clean underwear and I shave my legs even if there is no chance of romance. I think I even say excuse me if I burp and no one hears. My point is that discipline is a habit you must develop on the way to losing weight. How you do anything is how you do everything.

Tonight, is my daughters birthday and she is with her dad. Kinda sad because I want to share this time with her. She is having Mexican food, the little brat, lol. I called in my own order of spinach enchiladas suiza, a la carte, no chips and no cheese or sour cream. Yum-O. No one would know if I ate my old favorite cheese enchiladas with red sauce, sour cream and a Carona Light (hey, it's just like you fools who order a pile of crap and a diet Coke) No one would have known except me and God. He forgives me easier than I forgive myself, so I took the high road and had the spinach.

My point tonight is that if you give it time, you reach the tipping point. You reach the point where the pain is worth the gain and the loss is worth the cost.

Peace and Light and Happy Birthday to Meaggan~

A Few New Suits

2010-04-25T16:43:00.000-07:00

One of the best things that can happen to you when you decide to lose weight is that you eventually see the results. Today I went shopping and had a great time. I found a bunch of new suits for the summer and they all fit. I had to decide what to put back based on issues other than fit. I had a pile O' suits and they all fit!!!

That motivated me to keep on with my good decisions. If I make good decisions about my eating, if I make good decisions about exercise then the hardest decisions become which of the great fitting suits do I want to buy.

Wow, it used to be that the decision to eat a salad over a burger was my toughest decision, now it is which awesome suit should I buy? With all the money I have saved not buying fast food, choosing smaller meals and making other healthy choices, I have freed up some benjamins for my wardrobe rewards.

A fabulously sinful treat may make you feel good for a moment, but nothing tastes as good as knowing I look great in my clothes feels.

Yay for today!!!!!!!

Up In The Gym Justa Workin' on My Fitness

2010-04-24T16:38:00.001-07:00

Today Meaggan and I went to the gym together. I enjoyed it. I didn't think I would. I used to hate the gym. I hated the environment. The women in lipstick at the gym. the guys watching and you are never sure what everyone is thinking in their heads. Back then the atmosphere was too much for me. It was really fun going with my daughter and being on the same level physically.

I remember taking her there and putting her in the daycare and now she was actually pushing me to go harder and do more. That girl kicks butt on abs.

After the gym, I went home and mowed the lawns. Bonus calorie burn!! Later a little lunch at Mr. Pickles. I had the vegi sandwich on sliced wheat.

Last night I met the ladies for our monthly Diva Dinner. We meet at someone's home once a month for a themed dinner. At one time I would have had a hard time attending and falling victim to the amazing food choices, but last night I found that I was able to use portion control very well. I didn't even approach the appetizers until they were mostly gone, that made it easier to eat less. At dinner, I took smaller portions of the dishes and tried to take smaller bites making the meal last longer. I didn't stay for dessert so I was not tempted to over do it.

There is something about all of the effort coming together that makes you look at food choices and weight management differently. It is a healthy way of viewing the world. It was about the fabulous ladies and sharing stories with each other, not centered on the food. Could it be that I am developing the habits I need to lose weight?

Peace and Light and mother-daughter time to you all........

Feeling Pretty Cute

2010-04-23T07:08:00.000-07:00

Today is a good day. I am wearing my cute new little black dress and I feel GOOD! The fat is melllllllting and I see more of a straight back than a bumpy one.

It felt good to get my anger of my chest last night and even better to wake up refreshed today to take on the world.

Weight loss success is a matter of overall picture. One day does not define us. Last night I could have made a lot of poor choices, but I vented my anger instead. Today is a new day and I am excited to get a lot accomplished.

Don't stuff your anger, don't eat your anger. Allow yourself to feel your feelings and you will set yourself free...........

Peace and Light and A Cute Little Black Dress for you

Whatever West Red Bluff

2010-04-22T15:58:00.000-07:00

The best thing about the blog that I am going to write today is that I know my favorite hater "West Red Bluff," who tries to change their name every time they display their sickening sense of melodramatic crap about the newspaper column I write, will read this. She just can't seem to help it. She claims I amuse her with my hypocrisy and my plagiarism and she fears for all the readers who are being duped with my nonsensical musings about everything droll and drivel.

I could care less about the content that she posts on the only location she can because she can remain anonymous. She can't post on my blogs anymore because I require the reader to identify themselves. I mean if you are going to challenge me to a duel, at least reveal yourself. Lots of people have pointed out the cowardice of her posts as she sends flaming hate from Topix. She never seems to address that issue, only responding that she somehow knows me better than anyone else and that I lead some form of a double life that she is compelled to expose to protect the citizenry.

Most recently, she has decided that my accepting Jesus into my life has ruined her salvation and no longer makes the prospect of going to heaven very fun for her. Seeing as she is probably going to have to answer for all of her behavior towards me, I would have been afraid long before I was saved if I were her. Heathen or not, I was still being victimized by her for a looooooong time and based on my baby Christian understanding, sounds like a sin to me.

My real friends know that I have been on a spiritual journey for a long time and along the way I discovered some really great teachers and learned about the law of attraction and more about Christianity. Through witnessing some very dynamic people and experiencing a personal relationship with Jesus, and asking a LOT of questions, I decided that a lot of the anger I had as a child was based on my abuse at home and I thought God did not love me because everything I knew about God at the time said he only punishes those who displease him. Pretty hard to take when you are being hurt since the age of three by the adults in your home.

I held on to that anger and wanted to find a better explanation for why I was being hurt and so for years I held back from God and love and made a lot of pretty poor choices. If you need a list of them, get a hold of West Red Bluff because apparently she not only has heard all of the stories, she can read my mind and tell you the things no one knows but her as she is so close to me.

Anyway...... The point is, this past winter I had an experience that put everything together and I learned that I was not being punished by God. He was allowing an experience to come over me that was far from fun, but what made it worthwhile was that He was also giving me tools to survive, become something from the experience and thrive.

What man meant for my harm, he used from my good.

I have often said that a lot of the columns I write I feel are not me. According to West Red Bluff, they are plagiarized. I admit it, it's true. I plagiarize what God has put into my head to help myself and others. I steal His words, His thoughts and I put them on paper every week opening myself up to the hate of people like West Red Bluff who tell me I am a sham, I am worthless and I do not matter. I speak about painful lessons I have learned and risk alienation, ridicule and meanness in the process.

According to West Red Bluff, I am so narcissistic that I crave, long for and want above all things fame and acceptance. It's true. I do. I want my stories to matter. I want writing columns about good people who do good things in this community to matter. Do you know what it does to someone to see that they are valued for who they are and what they do? Do you know how much it helps others to see, in writing, that there presence on this Earth is valued and that they make a difference? How selfish must I be to point out how people can be better with just a change in their thoughts, feelings and actions. What a incredible bitch I must be to honor local people with the "you matter" series. I am ashamed of myself. I am ashamed that I allow the small mindedness of West Red Bluff to get to me sometimes.

People know when the have a calling and I know that I do. I know God uses my simple messages to reach people. Not hard-core educated self help people, but the regular person who may see something in my message that resonates with them. The person who needs a lift or a nudge in the right direction. It disgusts me when this hater tells the world that I am so in need of recognition that I put things out there just to see my own words in print. What an insult to the editor of the paper.

At one point, she almost won. I wanted to quit. Not because of her comments, but because I knew that she could not be stopped and that no matter what I wrote, she would be there, hacking at me with her hate. Sitting there in her mismatched clothing, eating twinkies and diet coke with bad skin and fowl breath and typing away on Topix. Truth is, if she is one of my friends, she is a beauty is only skin deep kinda girl as most of the people I know have it pretty together. She is also a disgusting person who would pretend to be my friend and smear me on the side.

So, why didn't I quit? Because really cool people with their act together pointed out that the Devil puts things in your path to spoil God's fun. The Devil works through others to hurt. Also, I figure if God wanted me to quit, it would come through another path. The paper would cancel the column or something.

What does this have to do with weight loss? We all have our own version of West Red Bluff. We all have haters and they block us from achievement. I see that after surviving the things I have, after coming as far as I have come, I do not need to second guess my path. It is kind of like pain after child birth. Once you experience the pain, you measure all other pain by it.

This hater and her snarky bull-shit does not stop me from my calling. I will not sabotage myself through eating something to feel better. I will not stuff my anger. This blog will upset some of my personal "advisers" who think I should not blog about my feelings, but this blog about weight loss while I am writing a book about weight loss would not be authentic without this rant. This is a part of my stress and stress and weight issues go hand in hand, or hand in mouth......

The absolute best part is that snot-nosed woman can't say a damn thing in reply because she doesn't have the guts to post a comment with her real name or email address and Oh, by the way...... One of my REAL friends, has offered to hire a computer "detective" to find out who she really is.......... so who knows, maybe one day you will see a Hater You Matter column with her name revealed........

Whew~ blowing off steam is great for the soul and the waistline

Peace and light and a hate free day to you all

I Just Don't Have It In Me

2010-04-15T10:30:00.000-07:00

Jill via text: "I'm going to pick u up this morning for work out K?"

Faydra via text: "I'm going to get my taxes done this morning. I was thinking with all we are both going through I wasn't sure what our plans were. I am having a hard time being motivated to 'move' I don't feel like 'digging in' I feel weary. Maybe we can talk later?"

Jill: " Yes! This is where your spirit tells your flesh truth U r in control. We need to press in now. This is a deciding moment. Don't lose another week."

Sometimes our emotionally lives are so unbalanced that it affects another of the five elements of our harmony: spiritual, physical, relational and financial. This is the case for me. I do not feel the desire to tax my body when my mind is all ready maxed out. I do not want to feel physical pain while my mind feels emotional pain.

For me, the eating is fine, I really could care less about eating today. I want to feel motivated, but I also want to preserve my sanity. There has to be a trade off. I do not want to participate in an exhaustive battery of lunges, squats and teeth clenching exertions today. I am up for a bike ride and a run that is not at a 12 mile an hour pace.

I am feeling that same feeling I had with the running group I was a part of a few years ago. I participated with a group of women who started out as non-runners and quickly became half marathoners. I never felt that calling. I was a 5k at best kind of girl. I went back to my solo career of running the hills and the streets around my home.

I am feeling this way now. I do not have the all-consuming desire to chisel myself or to "prove" something to myself. I think this work happened for me with my initial weight loss ten years ago. I think I needed to prove and did prove to myself that I had it in me when I lost 100 pounds. I know what I want, to look nice in my clothes, no back fat and no bumpy things. Really, that is my measure of success. My back is getting there and my thighs are catching up. I tell myself that this is a process and will not happen in 30 days. I certainly do not want the lifestyle I would have to have to get the results in 30 days.

So, I guess I will take the step to do SOMETHING today. I will run. I will do some weights at home. I will work on my mental fitness and manage my personal issues. If I allow the symphony to play in my head, you will hear the emotional side of life playing a solo while the physical side is part of the background.

Physical fitness is a component of weight loss. The book I am writing is about the Ten Habits To Develop On Your Way To Losing Weight. One of those habits is to recognize your present. What is your "present"? You must live in your moment and make sure you are dealing with it and not ignoring it.

If I ignored my mental stress right now and just started a major workout with my trainer I would find that I had no stamina, hatred for the activity and no awareness of why. By accepting my present, I am conquering the issue at hand. I can do what I can about my stress, pray and leave the rest for God to sort out. After all, He asks us to do what we can and He will do what we can't.

I can do what I can manage in the present. I can take a relaxing run to clear my head instead of freak it out. I can eat well to balance serotonin and blood sugar and I can get some vitamin D from the gone-for-too-long sunshine. Sounds like a good plan.

Peace and Light and Sunshine to you~

Weight Loss Road Trip

2010-04-11T19:11:00.000-07:00

This weekend my daughter and I took a spontaneous road trip to Monterey. What a fun time with my fast approaching off to college daughter. Who knows how many more opportunities I will have to get away with her before she is her own woman like my oldest.

I am proud to say that I remained in complete control of my eating while I was gone. One of my friends told me about deep fried Twinkies at the Santa Cruz boardwalk and luckily the weather was too bad to tempt me.

The first night, we went to Mexican food where I ordered spinach and mushroom enchiladas and a side of veggies. Yes, they can do that. I did have some chips and salsa and I did have 3/4 of a Carona. For breakfast I had dry cereal and a banana with some peanut butter.

Most importantly is what I did not have. I did not have a bad attitude. I did not throw caution to the coastal wind and say "what the heck, I'm on vacation." I stuck to the plan. I walked on the beach and I sipped iced tea instead of soda. I fought off the urge to have an English Tea when the morning was cold and I thought to pack snacks so I was prepared when the munchies hit. I said no to dessert and yes to wiggling my toes in the sand. I said no thank you to the croissants and yes, to some almonds.

On the way home, we stopped at an local iconic joint in Williams called Granzella's, fully intending to have a deli sandwich. I REALLY wanted salami on sourdough with cheddar cheese, mayo and mustard, BUT, I had a sliced whole wheat veggie sandwich instead. Still had all of the atmosphere and non of the guilt.

The best part of the trip was our great boutique hotel called the Wild Palms. I love the comfort and style of boutique hotels and if you have never experienced one, this is a great place to start.

Lots of memories were made on this trip as my daughter could attest to, but she has been sworn to secrecy. It was great to have my daughter all to myself and to experience her excitement at the beautiful coastline. If you go, make sure you take the Pebble Beach 17 mile drive. The amazing homes were spectacular and really motivated My daughter to work hard to achieve the goals she has in life. The beautiful cars were amazing. We decided we like the Range Rovers the best.

Working on my weight did not have to be an issue on my trip. It took some planning and some smart decision making to ensure my success, but I am proud of myself. It reassures me that weight loss is a mindset and a lifestyle choice. It boosted my ego to feel confident in my clothes and to come home feeling proud of myself instead of feeling like I did a back slide.

Peace and Light and coastal breezes to you all~

I Found The Secret To Dining Out!!!

2010-04-07T12:33:00.000-07:00

I found the magic trick to going out to eat and not over indulging!!! Are you ready to know the secret? Are you dying to know how you can go out and not make a pig of yourself?

I have a girlfriend visiting from out of town. She is an amazingly beautiful woman who is size 00 I am sure. She has big beautiful eyes and an amazing smile. To top it off she is a professional woman who really has her act together. Wait, aside from the 00, that sounds pretty familiar......

So, I expect that you want me to say that the secret to going to a restaurant is to be with someone who is so intimidatingly beautiful that you are too embarrassed to eat. No, silly... Go to eat with people who are interesting. People who have their act together so there is more to the situation than the food. We talked so much that I did not miss anything caloric.

Part of the time, we do things with the same groups of people who do very little to stimulate our brains or to make us reach higher. Do you go out to eat with your family? You eat with them all the time. You are more likely to have emotional eating issues if you are eating with people who remind you of the stress in your life.

Imagine a fight with your spouse or other family member just before you go out. Chances are you will pick poorer food choices when you are upset. Balance that with lunch with an important business contact, you will most likely make impressive and better food choices.

Have fun when you go out and make your conversation the highlight of the meal, not the food.

Sunshine Girl

2010-04-06T20:38:00.001-07:00

Tonight was the night for Sunshine on the Biggest Loser. Tonight, sunshine got her groove. I won't say she got her groove back, because at twenty-four, she is just finding it. It was a great reminder to me about my earlier weight loss journey where I lost over 100 pounds ten years ago.

Prior to losing my weight, I was the Biggest Martyr. I was a woman who did not know how to ask for what she wanted and certainly didn't expect to get it anyway. I lived my life in service to others hoping I would be appreciated and showered with the love and acceptance I craved. That plan always seemed to backfire as no one ever seemed to meet my expectations.

When I began to lose the weight, I had a lot of weight to lose between my ears. I had to let go of negative behaviors that were keeping me a prisoner to my own esteem and mind. At that time my mind and esteem were so negative. I thought that the world was a mean place where you were used, thrown away and only valued if you brought something important and arbitrary to the table. I say arbitrary because I never seemed to be able to figure it out. What was the "something" that all of the women I saw had that I didn't. Life seemed magical to other people. I mean it seemed as no one I knew was over weight. It seemed that they always had the energy to look good and be put together, while I was struggling just to make it though the day.

When I began to take my life back, one of the things I took ownership of was that I was responsible for my situation. I made the choices that got me to where I was. I used the food to replace what I wasn't getting from my environment. I lead the sedentary lifestyle. I hid my feelings. I allowed myself to get FAT.

If I had the control to do the bad to myself, that meant I had the control to do the good. I started making simple choices to make my life better. Most importantly, I did the psychological work to find out what made me tick. What made me be the martyr that I was. I educated myself into losing the weight.

Just like Sunshine had her Aha moment with Jillian Michaels, I had mine with a Dr. Phil McGraw book. That book changed my life. I owe all that I did to that moment of time it took to read that book. Just like Sunshine changed her life after that conversation with Jillian Michaels.

It only takes one question, one book, one exposure to the right thing to change your life forever. We have the power within us as soon as we discover it.

Jill Becker at Body Projex has awakened that same drive in me. She has become my Dr. Phil of sorts. I do not need as much psychological support this go around, but there is still some work. If I can do it you can do it. Find your Dr. Phil, Find your Jillian Michaels, find your Jill Becker and become your own Sunshine.

Peace and Sunshine to you all~

I'm Bored and I Want To Eat

2010-04-04T14:28:00.000-07:00

It's Easter Sunday and until just a moment ago, I was all dressed up with no where to go. I had been to church, volunteered to clean up afterward and now I am here, all alone.

One daughter is recovering from her 19th birthday party on break from college, the other is with her dad and her "other" family. I sit here, snarking away, with my dog at my feet and food on my mind.

I'm bored, my mind is drifting to the Hallmark card idealized versions of Easter. Families together carving ham and eating green bean casserole. I sat at the counter at the Black Bear Diner and had an egg white, veggie scramble, fruit and dry wheat toast. I'm bored. I've washed some laundry and am thinking about breaking out the Fabuloso and cleaning, one of the things I do when I am bored and being a martyr. "Boo Hoo no family, I'll just clean......."

I should be writing in my weight loss book. I should be running in the rain and conquering my boredom, but it is Easter and I am full of gratitude for God's sacrifice and I want a chocolate bunny. I want ham and potatoes and dessert. I want family and someone to dress in a pretty Easter dress. I do not put clothes on my dog, so I am out of luck.

These are the days that challenge our weight loss plans. These are the types of days that our matter is over our mind. What I bring to the table is discipline. I have lived enough weight loss life to know that I can make healthy choices today. I have lived enough psychological life to know that this is only a day. Literally one that God hath made and I need to rejoice in it, or something.

My worth is not caught up in my Easter social calendar. I have friends that I could visit. I am just mourning the loss of the earlier years when the kids were little and hunting for eggs. Loss is important to acknowledge; if you don't , you will eat the pain, literally. I am bored and a bit sad, but my butt is smaller and my back fat is diminishing. In mere hours this day will be but a memory and I will be on to bigger and better things.

Peace and Light and Green Bean Casserole to you all~

Where Does The Time Go

2010-04-01T11:34:00.000-07:00

OK people, I have discovered one of the ways that we get off track with our fitness and our writing a book about weight loss, life keeps getting in the way. What is up with that??????

Being busy is a real reason that people get sidetracked from their goals. Life gets its ugly nose into our plans and ruins the party. I have not blogged in more than a few days and it would be so easy to say to myself, "self, you aren't finishing what you started." "You obviously aren't serious about writing this book or you would make it a priority." "You would forgo your family, your church, your other 'jobs' to get er done." "Loser." the truth is that I have realized that the time crunch is a real bummer but that there is no way around it, but there are things you can do to make it better.

In my first book about to be released, In The Meantime~Ten Habits To Develop On Your Way To Success, I spell out real solutions for real people who want real results. I address time zappers and ways to make your time more yours. Imagine ten easy to implement habits that will change your life FOREVER! They work, people tell me all the time that making these simple real-life changes make it easier for them to live the life they were meant to have.

As a success teacher at the local community college, I taught my students this mantra: BALANCE IS CRAP. Yes, that was on the final and something we said aloud many times. I taught my students that balance equates no movement. Envision a balanced scale. the weights placed on either side of the scale renders the scale immobile. People who teach the life balance philosophy need to be beaten about the face and neck in my humble opinion.

What we need friends is HARMONY. Imagine a symphony playing. You hear many instruments, you hear horns and strings, and pianos and brass and woodwinds sometimes together and sometimes individually. Our lives are like that. They are a symphony of these elements: Mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, and relational. At different times in your life one of these elements may need a solo. One element is at the forefront of your life.

Most of the studying I have done about all things "success" indicates that when you understand the harmony concept, you get that there is no way you are going to balance five major elements of life at the same level, hellllooooooo. Simple ideas here that anyone can follow.

So, fast forward and apply this to weight loss. Though I did not write in my blog about losing weight while I write a weight loss book, I have been losing weight. Yes, ladies and Gentleman, I have lost weight, gained muscles and lost inches. Wooo Hooo GO Faydra. I feel stronger and my clothes are looking pretty good I must say.

In four short weeks I have gone from a wind sucking, chest heaving mess to a more able bodied, agile person. My posture is better and my attitude is better. Yay for me.

What I have learned is you do not have to give up on your fitness goals when one element of life needs a symphonic solo. For me, my daughter and track season has been a huge focus. I have personal elements that are requiring a lot of me right now. If I do not make it to the gym for a sweat fest four times in the week, I am not losing ground. I may be slowing the pace, but this is about lifetime change, not get-it-off-quick-and-be-done-with-it. Incorporating good eating with routine exercise is the key to lifelong fitness.

I readily admit that for ten years after I lost 100 pounds, my workouts were as regular as taking a shower. Somewhere the last year, I slacked and I gained twenty pounds. The cool thing is that ALLLLLL the stuff I learned and wrote about in my first book is internalized in my brain. It takes the same fundamental habits to lose weight as it does to succeed at anything.

You see, the weight I lost between my ears is what is making this weight loss easier. I bet if you asked Jill, my trainer at Body Projex , she would say that I have been pretty darn easy to train. I don't gripe, I don't beg for mercy. I listen, I push myself and I conquer my inner wuss.

So, if you get off track, do not quit. Make the best of the available choices. If you can't work out, park your car as far away from the store as you can and walk your chunky butt to the door. If you can't work out, do keggle's at your desk (your mate will thank you) If you can't work out, make the best food choices you can. Drink more water and remember this: Each day is a new beginning and you can get back on track.

Peace and Light and Time Management to you all.

Shot Put and Mexican Food

2010-03-26T21:01:00.000-07:00

Spent a fabulous day at the track meet with my daughter today. She recently broke the high school record for shot put and almost squeaked out the record for discuss today, but we'll get them next time.

I am filled with such pride for her. She has won first place in every meet she has been in for the last two years in shot and discuss. It isn't luck that has brought her that success, it is a combination of work ethic, skill and endurance. Meaggan gets up at 5:00 am to go to the gym to lift weights and work on her fitness. She watches what she eats, she lives a clean lifestyle and she believes in herself. I see the benefit that ten years of dance class have brought to her ability. I see the benefit spending hours in the gym have brought to her ability. I see the benefit of teaching her that food as fuel has brought to her ability. I see the benefit of teaching her about commitment to all things has brought to her ability. Most of all, I see the benefit of telling her every day of her life that she is loved, amazing and special has brought to her ability.

I did not have anywhere near this type of support in my childhood and I know that it has affected me in my own journey. If I had the benefit of the support, who knows where I would be now. The fact is that mother has healed herself by being the mother I never had. I heal myself through loving my daughter as I witnessed others being loved as a child. I am incorporating all of the role models I knew into my parenting.

After the track meet, we went out for dinner. My favorite, MEXICAN food. I will have you know that I ordered the spinach enchiladas a la carte and I had no cervesa and no chips por favor. Here is the BEST part, I did not miss a thing. remember my last time at the restaurant, the punishment soup, today was a different story. I felt like I had the best of it all. I had Mexican food and I had control. Yum-O.

Was it my love for my daughter that made it easier to order in my best interest? Was it my love for myself that made me order in my best interest? Either way it was a win/win.

Buenos Nochas Mi Amigos~

In The Mood For Food

2010-03-25T10:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I wrote about how the right equipment will make all the difference in your workout experience. Today, I want to talk about food.

Before I start, I want to give a big shout out to me; " go, me, your a rock star, go me, you got it going on", Today, Jill and I ran to the top of Hogsback. If you don't live here, then imaging a one mile or so, switch-backed dirt road that runs uphill the whole way. the thing is that the view from up there is soooooo beautiful. Truth be told, we ran/power walked the whole way and I vow to you that I ran more than I power walked, thanks to Jill who seemed to not fear seeing the vomit I assured her would come if she insisted on my running the whole thing.

I told Jill that I would be blogging about food today because I am steeped in food nowadays trying to shrink my thighs. When I was a fatty-fatty-two-by-four, can't get through the kitchen door, I had a lot of food habits that made me fat. When I set out to lose weight ten years ago, I did it the natural way. I did not join a weight loss club, take supplements or use shakes or any of that stuff. I made changes the natural way. I took thigs away and I incorporated things into my life.

It doesn't matter what items I took out of my life or what items I put into my life as much as the fact that I did it. I mean, initially, I cut out soda and condiments (mayo, ranch, bbq sauce, stuff like that) those changes made a huge difference for me. I used to drink a butt load (literally people, it was on my butt) of Mt. Dew. I also loved mayo and ranch. So, for me, cutting those things easily cut calories from my intake. For you, it may be something else that you should cut out. The point is to just cut a couple of things for now.

Now that you have cut something out, put something in. If the Lord can giveth and taketh away, so can you. I introduced a couple of foods that were healthier alternatives. Trying to reach back and remember what they were, I would honestly say they were probably apples and something else, but again it is not the issue, doing it is the issue.

After you have adjusted to the change, taketh something new away in a couple of weeks and add something new.

What happens in a pretty short amount of time is the change in diet, the change in exercise all comes together and you have this magnificent symphony of harmony developing in your body. You feel better and are looking better. It motivates you in so many ways.

I mean, here you are in your new shoes from Fleet Feet, hooked up with Jill at Body Projex, reading my blog about losing weight while I am writing a weight loss book and you are feeling really gooooooood. You are eating well and you are starting to lose some weight between your ears and getting the feel for winning the battle of the bulging mindset.

As Jill and I were running today, we were comparing tasty tricks we use to manage weight. I want to pass some on to anyone who might want to dabble on the healthy side and see that it can feel like you are cheating when you aren't.

First Yoplait makes a "whipped" yogurt that you can put into the freezer and eat when you want something sweet. There is something better about the whipped consistency over regular that makes this treat worth trying.

Also, if you like texture, Yoplait makes a thick and creamy light yogurt that is superior in quality to other non-fat yogurts. Try making a yummy snack or meal with vanilla yogurt, a few crushed walnuts, cinnamon and honey. You can also add blueberries or banana to make a fulfilling sweet treat.

One way to get yummy veggies is to buy a bag of pre-cut carrots, broccoli and cauliflower and cook using any of the Ms. Dash's no-salt seasonings. There are lots of flavors and it really makes the veggies yummy and there is no need for dip!

Try eating your next sandwich like a tostada. Take off one slice of bread, save some calories!

Also, I gotta tell ya, I discovered Veganaise at Raleys. Sounds gross, but it is yummy. If you love mayo and I do, it is a wonderful replacement. I eat a fresh tomato, spinach leaf, thin sliced provolone one bread sandwich every day with this stuff and I LOVE it.

More on food later. Take the step and remove something bad from your diet. Take the step and put something good into your diet. Take the step and run up a hill and look at the view. It is all better from the top.

You Gotta Have The Right Equipment

2010-03-24T12:03:00.000-07:00

When you are in the battle of the bulge, it is paramount that you honor your battle by getting the right equipment.

Working out is hard enough without making it harder than it has to be. One way that you can set yourself up for success is by getting the right shoes and clothes. Nothing will stop you short of your goals in weight loss like pain. Most people who quit, do so because it HURTS! part of that is the poor me factor, but part of it can be prevented.

If you do not have quality shoes and clothes, you invite pain and injury. Help yourself succeed by investing in good shoes and clothes. Just because you by a brand name, it doesn't mean you are getting what you need. You can by a Toyota Corolla and get down the road just fine, but the features in a Toyota Camry make the drive even better.

What I am saying is that Nike and Addida's and other brands make shoes allllllll across a spectrum. Just because they are running shoes it doesn't mean your running experience will be the same. It is important to take the time to find the right shoe for you to do the job you are asking of it.

When I first set out to lose weight a loooooooong time ago, I bought a pair of women's running shoes from Mervyn's (Oh how I miss Mervyn's) I set out to take my fat butt on a run and I ran and it hurt and I did it anyway. My knees hurt, my butt hurt and my mind hurt because my body hurt.

One day, someone told me what I am telling you. There are two ESSENTIAL items every woman needs when she wants to run. Good running shoes and a GREAT running bra. I found out about a store called Fleet Feet. Let me tell you how cool this store is. When you go to Fleet Feet, the have a treadmill and you get on the treadmill and they can tell what type of shoes you need. Next the show you all of the shoes that will meet your needs based on your situation: your size, your ability level, your pronation (big word for how your feet move when you run) and your budget.

I went from wearing a woman's fluff shoe to a men's Addida's Super Nova Classic (as shown above) Next, I found a bra that can handle what I have to manage. Did I politely and politically correctly say that I have a lot to be thankful for in the chest department?

So, I left the store with my new booty that should help me get a better booty. I laced up, and took my gear out for a run.

OK, imagine the heavens opening up, angels singing their praises and you having the most amazing time of your running life. No knee pain, no chest pain, no chest movement people! Yes. That is the power of good equipment. Once you see the difference, you will never buy anything less for yourself.

Fleet Feet is so cool that they even keep a pair of Super Nova's on hand for me because her is the key, my nimble shoppers~ you have to keep your equipment up to date. The stuff wears out. When you are pounding the heck out of your shoes, they will compress and over time you will need to replace them. They may still look new on the outside, but the inside may be done for. You will know by your pain level and your stamina. New shoes feel light as feathers and make you feel as though you have winged feet. Old shoes feel like lead. Your sales person can tell you the number of miles you can expect out of your shoes. Your bra, well, you'll just know when the time is up.

Here is another cool thing about Fleet Feet. when you get your new shoes, wash and bring in your old ones and they donate them to third world nations who need shoes. Your old shoes are someone else's new treasure! Help the world!!!!!!!

Ok, while you are there, buy wicking socks. Think of no blisters people. Also, if it is summer buy light socks. There is nothing worse than hot feet on that summer run. Hot feet will beat your mind before your body is beat.

A small investment in your success is all it takes to make your goals a reality.

Peace and light and pain free running to you~

Music Inspires Everyone

2010-03-23T20:30:00.000-07:00

Music inspires us. This is what inspires me to run when the pain comes. This is what I ask myself when I have to make a tough choice. What are you waiting for, you can walk on water too.

A Good Cry

2010-03-23T18:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was an interesting day. I cried at Fit camp. You would think it would be humiliating. You would think it would be a sign of weakness. It wasn't.

As a certified life coach, I have had people crying in their seats before the draft from the door shutting on their way in has dissipated. Crying is part of healing. If more people cried, more people would be, do and have the things that they want in life.

What prompted the cry? Still working on that one. I can tell you that the pain in my body trying to do what Jill and I were asking of it was part of it. It was HARD people. running, and lifting, and bending and sweating and maxing out and losing control of my body is hard. Seeing other women doing it, wanting to do it as well IS HARD. It is like a love/hate relationship. I love the women for being able to run with ease and I hate my circumstances for not being with them.

Jill, owner of Body Projex is an amazing woman. She understands that true fitness comes with change and each woman who passes through her doors is there to change their lives or they simply will not stay. Natural selection weeds them out. It is the same for me in my coaching practice. Theoretically, people want the goal, but in practicality, they don't want to do the work. They don't want to face the demons or the blocks, so they give up, drop out or make you out to be the bad guy.

So, what happens when a life coach sets out to get fitter? I say fitter because I have already lost 100 pounds. I am already a success and I need to remind myself of that. Note to self: Helllooooo, you lost a lot of weight, quit saying you are fat!!!!!!! (whew, thanks for the moment)

When I set out to do this Faydra Projex, I thought that it would be a simple marketing idea to write a blog while I am writing a book about weight loss. I thought it would be great to show others that success is hard won. It isn't about the end result. It is about all it takes to get there. There are ugly days when the goal seems a hoax. When failure seems more likely than success. But there are also days that show you what you are really made of. I am no longer made of cookies and pasta sauce and condemnation. I am made of oatmeal and flax seed and positive thinking and a strong-willed desire to succeed.

So, back to the crying. Towards the end of the session, I began to break down emotionally as I broke down physically. Sucking wind and wiping the tears that I was trying so hard to hold back. I felt ashamed and weak to allow my vulnerability in public. I'm a life coach for goodness sake. What does this do to my credibility? I'll tell you what, it made me human and allowed me to allow others to fill me up with support for a change instead of me supporting others ALL THE TIME! quietly, women came to me one on one and told me how they used to get in their cars, drive around the corner and weep. One woman said she would go home from camp and curl up in a ball on the floor and sob.

The tears are hard to define. they are for the sadness that I do not have the fitness that I want, they are in recognition of the true and honest pain my body feels, they are a release for being proud that I am there fighting this fight, they are a joy that I am taking care of myself and changing, they are in appreciation for the women on this journey with me, "coaching the coach".

The best thing about yesterday was my new friend Deep. That is not her real name. I probably can't pronounce her real name, but she is my new friend. She is East Indian. I am fascinated by her culture and while we ran, she helped distract me by answering my barrage of questions about her and her family and her life. I want to be with her. I want to know her. I want to understand what she knows about cooking and family and her traditions. I wanted to talk to her, so I tried my best to keep up with her. she was my inspiration.

There is not doubt that in order to lose weight you must incorporate movement; meaningful movement. There is no doubt that it is hard, but here is the deal. If you do it, you are a stud. If you commit to it, you have discipline. If you conquer it, you have success. It takes the same skill sets to lose weight as it does to achieve anything. "Showing up is half the battle" that is what Allison says. It is the same way in life. Showing up puts you ahead of all those who stay at home.

Peace and Light and Kleenex to you all~

My Metaphorical Work Out

2010-03-20T09:40:00.000-07:00

So, today was a "body Blitz" work out at Body Projex. Now mind you, I KNOW that this work out is designed for more advanced people who have a bit more control of their limbs, core and breathing, but I am trying to meet my thrice times per week commitment to busting my butt.

What happened was that while the other, able bodied and more advanced people had their workout, I had a metaphorical workout.

You see literally everyone in the room but me had like zero percent body fat, they all had relatively strong bodies and were all relatively capable of doing anything that was asked of them. And then there is ME.

At one point in the workout, the slender Sarah (who is cute as a pixie) decides we are going to run wearing weighted vests. Seriously? Do I not look like I am already wearing my own weighted vest? To add insult to this, she tells me to do half the distance of the group, not because of exertion, but because, I will undoubtedly need three times as long to do the loop the others are doing. Bleh.

I started out and within five steps the others are ahead of me. This weekend group is very different than the regular weekday group. You see, there is not a lot of feel good sista hood bonding going on. This is work people. These people are in shape and are here to be challenged. So, as the gap widened between me and the least fit of the fit people. I started thinking.........

This workout is a metaphor for life. The haves and the have nots. The people in front of me "have" fitness they "have" command of their bodies and they "have" ability I do not have. I am a "have not". But here is the rub. I WANT what they have. What is more, I KNOW how to get what they have.

I am no victim, they are successful and I can be too. One of the women in the group was as, if not more, obese than me at one time in her life. She was a "have not" and is now a major "have". I will be too.

I am a "have" in a lot of ways and as a certified life coach, people come to me and pay me money to help them move from being a "have not" to a "have". I help them get there. I put on their weighted vest and make them to do the mental workouts. It is my turn to be the student and do the physical workouts so my outside is as fit as my inside.

While I was all alone in my vest running my modified course, I told myself to pick up the pace. I told myself that I can run with the pack and that I have what it takes to be as fit as anyone else here. I did not need a third person there to cheer me on or to push me, I did it. I know in my heart I gave my all in that moment. I saw the metaphor and knew that I will never be this person again. I am stronger today than I was yesterday physically and mentally.

Those who have, go get it. Those who have, do the work. Those who have, deserve to have it.

Can You Hold A Glass Of Water?

2010-03-18T10:34:00.000-07:00

Today was a great day! I met Jill for my personal training and it was amazing. I had to dig deep and I could not do all of the work all of the way, but let me tell you what. She lit a fire under my bootie.

When I lost 100 pounds ten years ago, I lost most of the weight running the hills near my house. If you follow my weekly column in the Red Bluff Daily News you may have seen me write columns like Be As The Blade Of Grass or Mind Over Minon. These columns came from my experiences at the hills. I love the hills. The hills are alive with the sound of weight loss, strength and inner conquest.

Today, I realized that I had allowed myself somewhere the last year or so to back slide. I had a hard time running this hill with Jill. The fact that I was running it with a twelve pound bar in my hands made it even worse. But you know what. This is exactly what I needed to get it in gear. Everything I have done with her up to today has been new and uncharted territory, but today was "stomping grounds for me" She made me hungry to conquer the hills. I will go to this hill and train everyday to show her that I can do this easily and often. I can't wait to show her what I am made of.

As I sit here, I can barely use my forearms to type from holding that bar, My hair is a matted mess of dried sweat and dirt and I have to use two hands to hold a glass of water to my lips, but I am a goddess and a stud. I am a wind sucking, chest heaving, getting in better shape woman.

When Jill and I work out it is a reciprocating process. The thoughts that flow are not lost on me being a life coach. Today, Jill and I spoke about the fact that goals are great, I am all about goals, but the truth is the journey is the important part. If you do not get the stuff you are supposed to. If you do not learn what you need to, dissect your issues and get real with your demons, the goal will be anti-climatic. The goal will not be as sweet.

It takes more than talent to achieve anything real. It takes the addition of skill. skill comes from honing a craft.

I want to be brutally honest with you right now. What makes me different from those of you who are not getting what you want? I am more willing than you are to make it. While you are sleeping, I am up. While you are giving up, I am trying one more time. While you are giving in, I am being disciplined. While you are discouraged, I am understanding my demons and conquering them.

I am not more talented, I am more devoted.

Losing weight between my ears

2010-03-17T19:58:00.000-07:00

I worked out so hard today that when I got home I thought I was going to throw up and I had to lie down. I bet if you asked Jill if my heart was into it today, she would have said a resounding YES. I feel like I have the heart of the lion and the body ability of a woman who has been recently awoke from a coma and has no command of her body.

I remain convinced that the fat between my ears is the most important weight I have to lose right now. You would not believe the thoughts that go through my head! I had an epiphany today on my way to fit camp at Body Projex. I think I felt myself lose five pounds of fat between my ears.

You see we all have blocks that keep us from achieving what we want. As a certified life coach, I am trained to help people identify those blocks and come up with solutions to be, do and have the things we want. No matter who you are and how successful you may be, you still have blocks in one area of life or another.

My blocks are defeating thoughts that come into my head, usually sparked by someone criticizing me. I hate haters and haters are my block to success. If someone takes a shot at me, I have a hard time knowing what to do with the information. It occurred to me today that this block is keeping me from getting to where I want to be. It is holding me back from taking risks and believing in myself.

I realized that we all have to learn to manage what we have in order to be able to mange more. I have to be able to manage my weight, my money and my mind. I have to manage my home, my kids and my reality before any of it can get bigger. If I can't take criticism on the small scale, I am not ready to manage the cruel world that lies out there.

Self awareness is the key to change. I faced my truth this morning and it feels good to know that now that I have identified my demon, I know who I am fighting. I can incorporate people into my fight. I can educate myself and learn ways to remove this block. I feel empowered.

Peace, light and constructive criticism to you all......

Fat Be Gone!

2010-03-15T08:29:00.000-07:00

I am proud to report that I got on my bike last night after my blogging and I rode and I rode until I could ride no more. The Ipod made all the difference. You may remember that my kids got me an Ipod for my birthday in February and loaded it with songs for me. It is like the gift that keeps giving because I put it on shuffle and I never know what is going to come up.

As I was riding the river trail outside my home, I peddled away to the "Tiger Song" from the soundtrack Hangover, Hard Knock Life from Jay-Z I think and some old school "momma songs" as my kids would say. The weather was great, but the BUGS! keep your mouth shut people or you will get some extra protein.

This morning was a new and better day. I put on my nylons and I must be shrinking because the waist band is staying up! You know what I mean, the waist is not rolling down and cutting into my fat! FAT BE GONE........ That is the sound of me casting out my fat demon :)

*Singing* Oh HAppy Dayyyyyyyyy...........

Sledgehammers and Hamburgers

2010-03-14T16:55:00.000-07:00

Well, today was an interesting day. What should have been a happy occasion going to church, ended up being a lot more than I bargained for.

My daughter and I met friends at church. My daughter went to the high school group and my friends and I went to the main service. With the worship music playing loudly, my friend leaned in and asked me to pray for her because tomorrow she finds out if she has to have back surgery and she is hoping that she will not have to. I asked her for some details and as she was telling me about her major illness, a woman leaned into me and started barraging me with insults telling me that I needed to be quiet and that I was being "disrespectful to God" and that "if I was going to be so rude that I should just leave right now." At this point my friend, who introduced me to this church, realized what was happening and she laid into the woman.

My thoughts flooded my as I sat there completely defeated. I felt angry, misunderstood and scolded unfairly. I mean, I get that maybe I should not have been talking, but the music was playing very loudly and my friend was asking me for help. My issue with this woman was how she used a sledgehammer to kill a fly. I mean, lean in and say something to the effect of "I can't concentrate with you talking" of "would you mind?" but to go on and on as she did really socked it to me. She is an example of why people like me get turned off to organized religion. I had to sit there is silence the rest of the time, not benefiting one bit from being there.

I preach that everything in life just is until you attach meaning to it. I realize that I did not have to be affected by her hammering me beyond necessity. I am the one who allowed her rudeness to overkill my feelings. My friend didn't seemed phased by the "talking to."

What I noticed in my body was that at the time she was beating me up, my adrenaline kicked in and I felt a flood of fight or flight chemicals release in my brain. As I sat there in the warm room post-scolding, I began to feel sleepy and depressed. It set the course for my day. I became introverted and uninterested in being happy no matter what good thing presented itself. I felt myself shift into "on" mode. You know, the mode where you pretend that everything is ok, but inside you want to cry.

So, after church, we all met at Red Robin for lunch. Insult added to injury, every one there ordered big burgers and fries and I being the disciplined one that I am ordered a bowl of chicken soup. It was tasty to be sure and I am glad I did not have a burger, but I felt as though I were grounded since I was a bad girl in church and I didn't deserve the burger anyway.

Here it is a beautiful day and my intellect is telling me shake this off, but I think it is important to look into this feeling and explore what it is about me that allows someone the authority to steal my joy. What credentials does this woman of God have to decimate me for talking in church. Where is the golden rule for her? If she wants to be treated the way she treats others then oh boy has she got a lot coming to her.

On the drive home, I told myself all of the cardio I can go do to release these feelings, but I can tell that the depressing chemicals in my brain are telling me go to sleep, lay about and lick your wounded soul.

I see how people can get robbed of their joy. I see how otherwise successful weight loss achievers can get derailed by the chemicals in our body. I feel it in this moment. I don't feel like the woman who was chasing Meaggan just yesterday. I feel like the little girl who talked to much in school and was made an example of by her teacher forcing her to wear a box on her head. Yeah, that really happened to me. I feel like my cyber haters will read this and lol at the fact that I was humiliated in the place where we are supposed to feel loved, church.

Though I do not want to, the mere fact that this is out on the web forces me to take action. I am going to go ride my bike with my Ipod and see if I can do anything to lighten this mood.

The purpose of this blog is to write about my weight loss as I write a book about weight loss. It is to show everyone that success is not all about wining all the time. Though this is just a day and it will pass, it is because of days like this that we overcome our issues. It is about facing what makes us tick so we can make genuine change. What is it about a woman like that affecting me this way that has to do with my weight? I turned that issue into a self punishment about a food choice, denying myself something. I should have chose the chicken soup because it was the healthy choice, not because I felt I was in trouble with that woman and quite possibly God.

Certainly something to think about........

Stay tuned........